My Friend Rennie. Merry Christmas!

Fifel might be cute, but I would still kill him

I got my car fixed and it turned out to only be about $70 worth of wiring a rat had chewed thru. Still, annoying. I had my car parked for less than 24 hours and they were back at work. Only this time they decided to eat thru a sensor which is a pretty penny. I don't get it, why my car? I wish they would find a new place to live and something better to eat.

It was high school winter camp this past weekend and God moved in a huge way in my own life. For the past two months it's been like a hide and seek game with God, except that I didn't really want to play and I was about to give up trying to find him. He allowed me to encounter him in new ways and reminded me that I have to know he's at my side even if I don't hear him. He's given me so much in the past few days it's been refreshing and eye opening. Have you ever experienced God in a new way and been like, that was weird!? Only it isn't really weird because God can communicate with you in so many ways but you're just awe struck when He chooses a new way. Yeah, that's where I've been and I kinda feel like a freak but I know it's him.

My family made it to church and I wasn't even there to hold their hand. Huge praise. I only hope this isn't a one time deal. I miss you all.

It's only been a week

It feels like this week has been a month long. I guess it's because I went to a concert, Hume Lake and I'm sitting in on a class today at The Master's College. Wess, maybe I'll be a big C after today. My car is breaking again. Not a surprise is it Aaron? Josh said I need to just get a new one but that stresses me out. I tried to sell it to him but it was an offer he could refuse. Hume was fun, Sarah and Mac got married. It was also overwhelming with all the Joshua kids I haven't seen in so long.

This week has probably felt so long because I'm still in a valley and feeling like I'm walking alone. It's gotten a little better but it still sucks. I wish I had a good friend here with me now.

Brutally Honest

This life seems like a waste of time. Why can't I just get to heaven where I don't have to deal with the things here on Earth? I'm mad. I feel abandoned and I that makes me feel selfish. Then I feel guilty. I'm being attacked big time and I don't know where to turn.

Happy Thanksgiving

There's much to say. Mexico was great even though I was a bit sick. The kids were amazing and I made a new friend named Laura. She was six and the most adorable thing ever! We played a lot and she even wanted me to teach her how to count in English. I only almost got into one accident in Mexico which I think is pretty darn good considering the traffic at the border.

Daniel came to visit me and we had the most fun picking out ugly outfits at REI and making him try them on. Nate and I laughed a lot. The blue hunting hat was the cherry on top of that outfit. We then went to Chili's for dinner but he wouldn't sing the baby back ribs song for me.

Beckett just called and wants to hang so I guess I'll check ya later.

Returning to the motherland

I'm leaving for Mexico in about 2 hours. I have a sinus infection and sore throat. I'll be playing at an orphanage all weekend. Pray for me :) I'm not really excited to go. I am excited for the 9 middle schoolers we're taking. I know God is good and will work in amazing ways.

Another Birthday Shout Out

I think nearly everyone I know was born in the month of November. I guess February really is the love month.

Here's to you, TTL II. Have a good one!

That's my Dawg!

Happy Birthday Maya! You're a beautiful, real, giving person who has taught me more than you know. I wish I was in Mississippi to celebrate with you. Have a blessed day friend. Thanks for always sticking by my side.

Glorious Day

In-N-Out now takes debit and credit cards. Life has been revolutionized.

Truth Be Told

Happy birthday Jasen. Had to give that quick shout out.

I titled my entry "Truth Be Told" because I need you to know how true this is. Lately it feels as if I'm surrounded by people and I'm still so lonely. I've kept myself busy so I don't have to face what life is dishing out or even deal with business that needs to be taken care of. I've used being busy as an excuse to protect myself from the hurt, anger and fear that plagues me. But really, that's how I feel. Hurt, angry and afraid. At the same time I've seen God deliver me in a huge way this week.

For the past week I've been having really bad dreams. Detailed, gory and disgusting dreams that wake me up at 3 am feeling heaviness and darkness around me. I brought it up to some friends and even though I felt ridiculous talking about it they supported me through prayer (man, why do I still feel so alone?). I've been driven to God's word and worship in a serious way so I'm thankful for the fear I've had to overcome. God is a mighty warrior and I've experienced that this week.

Ethiopia has kind of taken a backseat in my thoughts. That makes me sad. I've been so caught up in what life could be like if only...And it isn't reality. Or maybe it could be but I'm not bold enough to pursue that. I was reading an article in Relevant today about this woman's month in Africa and I guess that's what sparked all these thoughts and realizations. Here are some quotes that I resonated with.

"It's hard to unpack. It's all wrinkled and smelly in my mind as I try to iron it out, clean it up and present it to you. I am hesitant to focus on the devastation of poverty. I fear that you will label Africans as victims or you will run and try to fix the problem yourself without considering the consequences of what happens when we are compulsively stirred by our need to immediately alleviate a problem. And I hesitate to focus on the joy and richness that are rooted in the lives of so many in Africa because I fear you will hear that and justify their suffering with the 'even though they have so little, they are so happy' statement and that you will make it an excuse for our inaction."

"But as Africa becomes more topical, it can be easy to make Africans a cause that is advertised on a wristband or T-shirt or guitar case instead of people who reflect God's image just as we do. It's hard when all we see are the staggering statistics and the children with bloated bellies and flies on their faces. In our attempts to be advocates for Africa, it is difficult to reach beyond simple awareness. And although awareness is a vital first breath in the conversation about injustice, the Gospel calls us to something more transformational. It provokes us to the uncomfortable act of knowing and to the intentional decision to be present in the suffering of a person whose shoes walk daily on the battlefield where hope and death, life and despair wage their unyielding war."

I'm planning on returning August 2006 if anyone wants to come along. It'll only be about a 2 week trip. That again makes me sad. I want to go and stay.

N is for...

November. Yep, it's here and that means it's almost Christmas. I love Christmas. Not because I get showered with gifts by my mom but because I get to spend time with my family. I love waking up on Christmas morning and watching my little brother rip through his gifts. And his reaction to what Santa brings is always great, every year.

Ninety. It's freakin hot out. What's up with that? I actually wanted to ditch work and go to the beach today. I got to give the shorts and tank top one last hu-rah!

Nitwit. What boys mean to me.

Identity Crisis

"I am not who you think I am. I am not who I think I am. I am who I think you think I am." Dr. Shelly Cunningham

Nerdy Rivers.

Weezer Rock My Socks

Saturday night was probably one of the greatest nights ever! I got to hang out with cool people and see Weezer along with the Foo Fighters in Long Beach. It seriously was a great show, the flying W, “Say it ain’t so” and acoustic “Island in the sun.” Who doesn’t love nerdy Rivers? Wess, I was doing my drunk step mom dance when you called…to Weezer!

Treasure from the CSUN campus

I can never say Nate doesn’t think of me. On Thursday we were watching TV and suddenly he gets up and runs to his car. He came back with this CD he found on the ground at school and he handed it to me. It was called “LA Playaz” and with songs like “Spanish Butterfly” and “Drinkin and Smokin” I knew I was in for a treat. He said he saw it and there was nobody around so he picked it up and thought I would LOVE it. It’s the most horrific thing I've ever listened to. But it has provided a ton of laughs and we get stares from the people next to us at the stoplights.

Lamenting lender

Because today seems to last forever I decided to post once again. This time I'm venting.

Settlers is an addicting game. It's just so good! I'm kind of like a drug dealer in that I've now got others addicted and I'm the only one with the supply...Well, until Trent dropped the money for it too. But I'm the only one Nate feels like he can rip off. So, he went into my house (okay, home is where the heart is. So what if it's a trailer?) and "borrowed" Settlers while I was gone last week. I got a call one evening from him and he asked if I had heard about the tragedy. Tragedy? Yeah, he spilt water all over the game. So pretty much the minute I got home I marched next door to get the game and count the pieces. He thought I was ridiculous but a red road is missing! Okay, I'm done and my game is incomplete :(

Raining and Pouring

The week is coming to an end and I haven't had time to really even think about anything of importance. I want to journal so bad but can't seem to get the hour it's going to take me to get thoughts on paper. So here's my story since I can't really share my heart now.

I was driving home on Monday from Reedley/Fresno area and it was pouring on the grapevine. I mean, I couldn't even see 5 feet in front of me and I had slowed to about 35 mph just to feel a little more in control. I saw these 2 cars go into each other on the left so I moved to the right side and my brakes locked and I begin to hydroplane. Luckily there was nobody around because I moved to the right quick. Once I got into the right lane I realized it's flooded and now I'm moving slower and really feel like at any moment someone is bound to ram right into the back of my car. I looked in the mirror to see if I could move into a middle lane and all I see it this car spinning out of control and then off the side of the road. I kept going down the road, praying out loud because I was so scared and then to my right another car goes into an embankment. A few minutes down the road a semi jacknifed, half his trailer flips and now all traffic is moving to the right. Once I got home I felt the tension that had been building in my body. It was stressful!

Another Quiz...

You Are A: Pony!

Who doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.

You were almost a: Bear Cub or a Monkey
You are least like a: Groundhog or a TurtleThe Cute Animals Quiz

English 101

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

15% Yankee

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Habitat and Hume

Hume Lake is a refuge...Hume Lake. I joined the Joshua 06 class for their Habitat for Humanity trip in Livermore this week. It was tiring, hot, full of hard work and smashed fingers but it was great! I had a ton of fun with the new kids and the staff. It's always fun hanging out with Darin. We went to a concert on Friday night at The Fillmore in San Francisco and that was a ton of fun. Turns out Mikey and his band The Shiny Toy Guns were the opening band. It was phenomenal! Bob Mould is amazing and the 40 year olds moshing was the best part.

There were so many funny stories but I'll only share one of my favorites. We had to wait an hour one day for the showers to open so we decided to go to a park. There were a few teens in the park and they stared as 60 people invaded the area. These 2 girls were laying on top of one another in the grass and they were looking at Darin and myself as we sat reading. One girl yells, "Hey, are you gay?" Darin looks at her and says, "you talking to me?" "Yeah." "No. If I was gay my wife would probably be pissed." I hid my face in my book as I cried my eyes out. Oh man, it was so funny.

I'm still at the good ol' JWI building and now they have high speed internet...No more dial up. And it only took them 3 years to put it in. I remember them saying we would have it at the beginning of my Joshua year. Anyway, it's sweet...And I love Hume.

Released to Rule

I'm taking my time with The Divine Conspiracy. I have to think a lot when I read it so I'm only done with one chapter :) Yeah, so I started a month ago...I haven't spent time reading, only playing Settlers.

I've been thinking about how once I release control of something to God I usually find myself with more rule over that thing. Does that make sense? I've just felt like a failure lately even though I haven't tried to achieve. And I haven't tried to achieve because I'm afraid of failure. What a crappy cycle to be caught in.

It relates to bigger issues in my life but here is the small one I'm trying to work through now. So, I like a guy...Yeah, he's still around. I've liked him for a few months, we've become friends and we spend time together. He's great! He's fun and smart and we get along well...So why hasn't he got the clue? Everyone around me is telling me to just lay it out there. I feel like if I spill my guts I'm going to end up picking them up and putting them back in once he's ripped into me. But I haven't tried and I don't even know for sure if it would end this way. I'm just too scared. I know in my head that God will be there to be my comfort if it doesn't go the way I'd like it to and I know God really is the only one I need to be satisfied with and by. But I can't make my heart feel that and I can't get the words out of my mouth. So how do I release this to God and rule over these feeling? It's probably by spending time with God, reading my Bible, journaling about these things. Maybe it's harder than that though. Maybe I totally need to change my thinking. Maybe I just need to open my mouth, stumble over my words and see where I land.

I just feel like writing

I don't know if I have anything worth writing about this morning but I just feel like writing. I'm starting to come out of my feeling ugly in every way stage. It probably has to do with me getting back into the word. I've had no desire to even read scripture over the past week or so but Tuesday night I just couldn't get enough of it. After I realized how late it was and that I needed to go to bed I laid there and thought about what an idiot I am. Why can't I remember how good it is to be in communion with God? Maybe it's because I'm lazy or I have poor time management skills. Joshua took care of a lot of those problems though. I guess a 9 month program can't do everything for you.

Speaking of Joshua...I get to go on their first trip with them. I'm pretty stoked about that. Darin called and needed a driver so it's all working out for me to go. It should be fun, we're going to the bay area to work with Habitat for Humanity. So, it's not really vacation because I plan on working hard but it should be grand. I get to see The Bob Mould Band at the Fillmore...Who ever that is. Darin just said to buy the ticket. Shiny Toy Guns is opening for them though and my friend Mikey is the drummer and he's been bugging me to go to one of his shows. Works out well I think.

Now, speaking of shows...I've become addicted to Ticketmaster. I know you can sign up for Ticketmaster to email you about shows and all that but they've failed me so far. I can't depend on their emails so I've been searching a lot lately. I've found an Iron and Wine show this month and since I don't know anyone cool enough around here who likes the music I'm in search of a friend (or friends) who can make it to the Wiltern on the 18th. I also can't wait until the 22nd when I get to see Weezer and the Foo Fighters in Long Beach. I'm mostly excited about Weezer...Okay, I'm amped about Weezer.

I guess I'm done rambling. Oh yeah, this morning there were 4 fire trucks rushing up my street with sirens and everything. Not gonna lie, it made me nervous.

I have a clear sight of the valley now.

The fire has left the rodents homeless. This one tried to get into our office but the door got closed on his face and killed him! What a way to go.

The wind has been kicking up ash and I sound like a 50 year old smoker because I've been breathing it in.

From the church parking lot.

The fire came all the way up to the gate you see in the background.

the entrance to the baseball field and my house.

A fireman was told to get off the hill but he refused to let the cross burn.

Saving our property

across from the church

Here is the baseball field I live by. If you've ever been to my house you know exactly how close this came.

My trailer is at the bottom of this mountain.

Catan Crazy

I've been playing a whole lot of this board game. If you've never played, I'm sorry you're missing out on some great action. But it's probably for the best because you become addicted. It might not be so great for friendships either :) I knew I was crazy when I got evacuated and was sad Settlers of Catan got left in the trailer.

I've got some pictures of the fire damage and the post will come soon. The fire came so stinking close! It was probably 10 or 15 yards from my trailer. It burnt all around our property and it's a little creepy now because the rodents have no place to live. Seriously, the biggest rats are everywhere and I think one got into my trailer last night. Nikki, you still want to visit:)? I'm in the process of extinguishing the smoke smell from my trailer, although it's gonna take a while since it still smells outside. Deep cleaning Monday, here I come!

Santa Paula kiss my...

Well, if you're from Fillmore you know. Santa Paula is our rival. And when I say rival, I mean RIVAL! Tonight marked the 95th (ninety fiveth according to the Santa Paula announcer) meeting between the two teams and it's always exciting. Mostly because there's the potential for violence. I remember one year I was cheering and one of the Santa Paula cheerleaders got hit in the face with a bottle...awesome. This year we worked them over, rolled them up and smoked them. Man, it was such a great game. I love me some football.

JD plays tomorrow. Little kids, homecoming, more football. I doubt I have a voice left after tomorrow.

Evacuation complete

I got an email yesterday saying a fire had started and then about 2 minutes later another came saying we had to leave. The smoke was so strong, I really thought the office was on fire. I grabbed a few things from the office and was on my way home when they asked me to drive a van of preschool children to our evacuation site. I had to leave my car and everything else I own. I was pretty freaked out because when I drove off in the church van our church property was burning. As I got on the pass towards Simi Valley the flames were all around my house. I really thought I was going to lose everything. I got a call from Nate saying our houses and yes, my trailer was on the news. The fire was burning our property but not the structures. The skate park across the lot was a loss but at least my house is okay. I still can't get home and even if I could there is no power so I headed to Fillmore. I'm still rollin' 15 deep with the big church van, anyone wanna take a road trip? Kidding.

My favorite scar

This post is dedicated to Heather Nunn. She's been bugging me for months now to post about her. Probably because she knows I'm popular and people with read this...Only kidding. Since she's feeling down I thought I would brighten her day.

Top 10 reasons there are Nunn better than Heather:

10.She got rid of her cats.
9. She's a great driver. Especially in the snow with chains. I don't know why you kept going Heather :) Haven't you learned to not listen to me?
8. She's always up for adventure. We even rolled down the Joshua hill together.
7. We make a great team. We conquered the "hell hill" and did an amazing job with library maintenance.
6. She's faithful in calling to check in on you. She pretty much keeps tabs on everyone she knows.
5. She's my African sister in Christ.
4. She really is a Bible thumper. She once threw the Bible at my leg and left a bruise for over a year.
3. She's a pirate. She had to wear an eye patch during Joshua because she scratched her lens.
2. Her laugh is so great! It was entertaining every night at dinner in the J-dub building.
1. She truly is a genuine, caring and loving person.

Heather, I love you! Smile!

Crazy Church Girl

I've mentioned already that I'm feeling pretty darn unlovable and undesirable lately. Yesterday made me feel even better about myself. A guy in the office made the comment that I was a crazy church girl boys wanted to stay away from. It made me cry a lot. Even after I went home I cried a bit more, okay a lot. Wow, my eyes burn from all that crying. Please tell me I'm not crazy!

Can everything be rosie?

Rosie Thomas has become my great friend. She knows how to pen the words that are sitting on my heart. Thank you Rosie.

Can you just imagine this scene with those hay stacks on fire?

I got new pictures from Ethiopia and thought I would share the beautiful children with you.

Feeling Like The Ugly Duckling

I took a short trip to Fillmore this weekend. It’s football season again so I’ll get to see my family a lot more which is a good thing. I got to see my dad this weekend, which was great, haven’t seen him in a few months actually. My mom and David were in a motorcycle accident on Saturday. They were both thrown into the back of a van from their bike. Luckily the only real damage done was to the bike. The witness who saw the accident said she didn’t know how they were walking away from it.

I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately. I actually woke up at 2:58 am to the dogs howling and I got freaked out. Anyone seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose? It wasn’t gory but haunting. I forget so often that there is a spiritual battle going on.

I’ve been feeling pretty ugly lately. Not only physically but in every way possible. I keep thinking about how much more I could be doing. More studying, more cleaning, more journaling, more serving, more running, more smiling…I keep thinking shopping will solve these problems but I know it won’t. Actually it’ll only add to an already existing problem, debt.

Needs Time To Process

The introvert in me is dying to regain control. I hit the ground running this summer and it hasn't slowed yet. I went on a staff retreat but didn't get much down time. I think I came back more exhausted than anything. It was a great time and I think we all learned a whole lot about each other. I've always felt bad and somewhat stupid for needing a lot of time to process and give input or feedback. Well, I'm starting to accept that it's just part of my personality.

Amanda and Jasen's wedding was great fun. It was good to see people and talk to a few. It's always a bit awkward for me to talk to the bride and groom on their wedding day. I don't really know why but I just don't know what to say. I mean, congrats and all...Some times I don't think that cuts it.

I got to see the new installment of The Christian Real World...a.k.a Joshua. We dropped Meghan off and saw the newest member of the McW clan too. She is so precious! It was good to be on the mountain for a while and Nate and I had a great trip together.

I hate spam

What is up with this junk on my blog? I know you're all experiencing it too so I don't feel so bad but come on! I'll quit! Okay, maybe I'm too addicted.

**Explicit**

You probably think I'm talking about profanities and I am. But it was an accident! I accidentally bought the explicit version of a Kanye West album on I-tunes. The thing that sucks is that I already own the clean version. Oh well.

I went to check out a church last night in Vista and that was pretty cool. Tonight I get to chill, maybe watch some Netflixed movies. I'm starting The Divine Conspiracy so maybe I'll just read.

I feel like I've been going so fast with little time to reflect. I need my introvert time.

The topic running through my head as of late has been the idea of character. Not just because it's a topic being covered in staff meetings but because I sometimes wonder about how people view me, how I view people and if I really have discernment there. I think I can spot shady people, not a problem but how do I deal with that in ministry. I guess I've been a little discouraged by people claiming to be something they aren't. I guess we're all like that though.

Crazy kids

I love my brothers

My paper heart

I decided to stay at the church. I know it's the right decision and I'm confident this next year will be great. I just couldn't leave the way things were. I didn't want to be bitter at church ministry because of the first year experience. I know all things take time to adjust to, I just didn't think it would take a year. The money was a huge incentive to leave but after making the decision I didn't really think about the money again.

Does any one agree with me when I say liking someone can be so confusing? I'm joining a convent.

Ahh it's Friday

Friday and a long weekend ahead. Maya drove up to visit and I'm stoked about that. We're gonna chill and hopefully hang with some friends. I've discovered a large rat in my trailer although I haven't actually seen him, he did set off the trap without getting caught. He'll be dead soon...I'm out for him.

I feel like the crappiest human ever right now because of all this hurricane stuff and I really don't care to catch up on the news. I'm compassionate...Not.

Summer is over :(

Vernal Falls

The 2 Clan

A conversation that might change my life

Have you ever had a conversation with a person and then realize just how amazing they are?

Shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to

RIP Aaliah.

It's been way too long since I've let you into the mind of Alyssa Aguilar. I came home from Ethiopia, had about a week and then left for middle school summer camp. If you left me voice mail or even email, my apologies for not getting back to you yet. Life was thrown into a whirlwind Tuesday. I got offered a job and actually took it seriously. It was unexpected but a great opportunity. So yesterday I wrestled with the big questions. Like, am I called to ministry? What would I gain in this other job? Where am I even going? It took a lot out of me but I had the chance to get some good insight from people. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but I'm sure it'll be clear soon.

My house is a mess and I don't care

My poor trailer. I walk in and I'm saddened at how messy it is right now. I say I don't care but I really do because yesterday I tripped over a suitcase and I might just brake my arm tomorrow if I don't get it cleaned. I'm leaving again on Sunday. Time for jr. high summer camp. Man, is life ever going to slow down so I can clean my house?

Last night I had the chance to share with the high schoolers about my trips to Ethiopia and how God is changing my heart about missions, life and all that good stuff. It was fun, I was excited to share. I only hope they listened to half of it.

Yesterday I felt completely attacked. I hated the feeling and I tried to fight the anger that was welling up inside of me. I just couldn't handle listening to people complain about the glasses they have to wear or the jobs they have to hold while going to school. I wanted to punch someone in the face. I wanted to be in Ethiopia.

Me and Tamrat, my new found Ethiopian friend. You know they're your friend when they hold your hand. He is such a great guy and I can't wait until he visits in December.

Me and Hezekiah. He asked me to stay and do missions with him. He also gave me a sweetheart card. Man, the Ethiopians know where it's at!

This is Mohammad. He waited with our van every morning until we left for work and he was the first to greet us after a hard day of work. Mohammad made a decision to follow the Lord this week and it was pretty amazing. He was such a sweet kid and definitely one I looked forward to seeing everyday. I'll miss his smile, it was a great one.

My first morning in Addis Ababa and I couldn't sleep. I got to see a ton of sunrises on this trip. I spent the morning on the balcony overlooking the city and couldn't help but cry. I don't know why God has given me such a passion for this place and these people. It's pretty amazing though and it felt like it hadn't been 3 years since I've been there. I can't wait to go back.

Butajira sunrise

My friend Getachew

Candy...Yum

discover what candy you are @ quiz me>

Grant's wedding

We like Sheep. Hume Lake 2005.

8th grade road trip. Halfdome.

Pimpin' all over the world...just kidding

Ethiopia pictures to come

I had the chance to post a few pictures from the summer. I can't believe it's almost over. I didn't even get to see a week of Pondi! What the heck!?

I'm still adjusting to being home. I woke up this morning at 2 am and couldn't go back to sleep. My body was telling me it was 12 pm on Monday morning in Ethiopia and it was time to get up. I read half of Tuesdays with Morrie and watched Shall we dance? The movie was alright, I could have lived without seeing it. It was something to do at 3 am though.

I'm in Fillmore at the moment. God has done some amazing work while I've been gone. It's been hard to think it's only been a week. Some week...I saw over 400 people come to Christ, 11 new churches planted in Ethiopia and my family commit to the Lord. David is promising to be a dad again and he's been sober for 2 weeks. They're going back to church and my mom said she's giving her entire life to Christ! Praise the Lord!

I'm overwhelmed by his goodness.

A lot of writing to happen

I just want to give a warning, I plan on writing a whole lot in the next week. I have so much to talk about and pictures to show. I'm back from Ethiopia against my wishes for sure. I tried to extend my ticket but the planes were full so I had to leave on the 13th. I think August 13th was the longest day of my life. I left Ethiopia on the 13th at midnight and got to LAX at 9 pm on the 13th. Still somehow I traveled for over a day. Filling out customs paperwork was a task seeing that I couldn't get days straight. Anyway, I'm back and I'm tired. It's been an amazing week and I'll share later. God is so good and overwhelms me...

Wise at age 11

My brother JD has had a rough year of life. I wish no kid had to experience the things he has but I've had no control over the events in his life. His dad brings disappointment, his family brings embarrassment and now he has to think about the possibility of moving out of the house he's called home forever. That's a lot for an 11 year old. I remember being in his shoes and I hated it. An 11 year old wasn't supposed to do the cooking, cleaning and put themselves to bed. At least none of my other friends were doing that. I wish I could take away the pain, confusion and uncertainty he must be feeling. On the other hand, the kid has his act together. I've never heard such wisdom from someone and it was so simple. He brought tears to my eyes and made me think, really think about friends.

I've been so completely hurt lately by people. I don't even know if they know how deeply they've hurt me because they shrug it off like nothing. JD said, "Friends don't treat you that way and they don't make you feel that way. Why do you call her a friend?" Great question kid. I guess I don't call her friend.

Tidwell and Rachel came to visit from Sonora and that was great fun. We did Korean BBQ and Diddy Riese, yum. Last night I had a great game of "Ninja Burger" with Ryan and Danny. Maya, you would like this game. Hopefully we can play some "Settlers" when I come down...I need it! Heather, I'll call. That's it for my shout outs now. I'm off to "hell-mart" as we've coined it.

Beach Reach and my tan looks great

I spent the entire day at the beach yesterday. It was great! My cheeks got rosy but my tan is doing fine. I'm about as dark as an Ethiopian now. Maybe I'll fit it :) I started the malaria meds today and I'm curious to see if I have the strange dreams I did last time. I used to think the news reports about people killing and doing other insane things while on these meds were false but after taking the meds for 2 months I can see how it would jack you up. Don't worry, I'm sure I won't doing anything crazy in the next month or so.

This morning Emily and I got our nails done and I've decided that I'm gonna start recycling to treat myself every month to the nail place. It was so relaxing. That plan will probably change once I get back from Ethiopia. That place has a way of putting things in perspective.

Abort operation Pondi Pines

It's a no go folks. Sorry about that but I spoke to Nikki yesterday and it just seemed like it would be a rushed visit and what not. I promise to come up as soon as I get back from Ethiopia and I plan on staying a few days. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I hope those bratty twins aren't at jr.s week this year.

Curse Heather Nunn

Why is it that you can stop crying and now I've started. Remember, I'm the tough one! Pondo Peeps, can I visit this weekend?

Wess called

I got a phone call from my great friend Wess in North Dakota today. He told me to stop being a weenie and start being a servant. So here is my apology for being so stupid. Gosh!

I wanna be like Mike

You don't hear that slogan much anymore but there is a reason I've brought it back. Mike Misfeldt is a volunteer staff member in Wildlife and has become my all time favorite co-pilot while driving vans. This guy is just hilarious. Wess, you and Kaleb would crack up at the things that come out of his mouth.

While we were in Yosemite we stopped at Glacier Point. From this point Half Dome is right in front of you and the waterfalls surround it. It's amazing. There is also a map of what you are seeing posted in front of the view point. Mike walked up to the map and pointed out Half Dome to us. The people around thought he was an idiot, who wouldn't be able to just look out and see that the huge rock in front of us was Half Dome? But it provided thousands of laughs and made me think of something those crazy Missouri kids would do. I guess you had to be there.

Road Trips Galore

The 8th grade road trip went extremely well. Nate and I sat back on Saturday morning before the students were awake and were amazed by everything God did and used us to do. I'll post pictures sometime in the next few months :) That's the way life is feeling right now.

We started off in Chatsworth and went to Santa Barbara. We got lost and told the kids we were going to Neverland Ranch. They weren't so excited about that idea. We did a team building exercise at the pier and had lunch quickly. We then drove to Pismo beach where we spent the day and evening. It was such a nice beach, I have never felt sand like that before. We had a bonfire and Nate taught. We spent the night in Atascadero and drove to Yosemite the next morning. That was one of the highlights of the trip. I stood in awe of what God has created. I'll post funny stories later. We spent the night in Sonora and split guys and girls for Friday. This was the most challenging day for me. I was overwhelmed by God early that morning and cried for a good 15 minutes. I also had to teach that day and that was so important to me. As I prayed before I started I just started crying again, things sat so heavy on my heart. We paddle boated, rock jumped and had a BBQ at the Milnik's home. It was so great! The best part about the trip was seeing kids overcome obstacles they didn't think they could do and the way they had to trust the other kids to help them out was awesome.

I spent the day at Knott's with Wildlife yesterday. Whew, I'm reminded of Dr. Krabbendam when I say I feel like I've been hit by a mac truck. I had a good time with students and more and more I think Jr. high students are alright :)

In danger of disappointment

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night. The Oompa Loompa sorta freaked me out. I think they got the choreography from Dance 360 because I definitely saw the raising the roof on one leg move. It was a good movie with even better company. I might be setting myself up for disappointment but what's life without the risks right now?

The road trip kicks off tomorrow and Nate and I spent an hour in Costco. He cracks me up, I love shopping with him. He almost took out an old lady with the cart but made friends with Thelma who handed out samples of veggie chips. We are pretty much the best shoppers ever, we had $20 left over.

I have to pack, run some errands and hopefully hang out with cool people. We'll see. I can't wait to visit Yosemite this weekend!

Back from Hume and hitting the road again

Here is where I apologize to Aaron and the Pondo peeps for not yet making it for a visit. I promise to get up there this summer, it just might be late in the summer. Man, summer isn't long enough!

Hume Lake was great! I got beat up and worked out but it was all worth it. Our cabin was at the top of the mountain and we had 8 girls for 6 beds. I slept on the floor and got eaten up by something while I slept all week. I had a great cabin of girls and I got to spend time with Joshua friends. I came home with a black eye and jacked up knee, I take recreation serious...Or I fell really hard. The theme this summer is "We like sheep" and it was hilarious! I enjoyed the opener and the videos all week but I mostly enjoyed and appreciated the message conveyed through it all. It was such a great reminder that I am a dumb sheep in need of a shepherd. All week I was pointed back to the shepherd and His amazing love for His flock and the goodness He has in store for those who follow His lead.

I'm heading out Wednesday for a road trip with 8th grade leaders and I'm so stoked for this event. I'm sure I'll come back exhausted but at least I'll have a week before heading out to Ethiopia. There's so much going on right now but it's all so exciting.

No time to breathe

This is gonna be short. I've been BUSY as I recover from Hume (which was awesome), my injuries (I got a black eye) and plan for the 8th grade road trip next week. I have a message to write, meals to plan and some team building stuff to get done. Life hasn't stopped and even though it's tough with family and work I'm loving every minute of it right now. I feel like I'm on the brink of something great and I can't wait to be pushed over the edge.

I miss you Pondo peeps and hope to visit soon.

Camp

A week of Hume Lake.

A week of blue eyes.

A week of him still not knowing.

Wicked

My mom and I spent the afternoon walking Hollywood Blvd. We had dinner at CPK with the Hollywood sign overlooking us, true celebrity status right there ladies and gentlemen. We shopped and walked and walked and walked. I had such a good time with my mom and it was fun being able to treat her to dinner and a show.

Wicked was awesome! I love live theatre. My mom asked where I "got cultured" and I said UCSD. That's what the diploma is mostly about. Not so much the academics but the life lessons learned. The show was great, mom had a good time and I found this cool store called American Vintage. I picked up this cute quilted skirt, not really Alyssa but I'm rockin it.

I can't wait for the HLCC!

War of the Worlds

I saw the movie last night. Gonna be honest, not too impressed. Maybe it's because I'm not into the alien thing, I wasn't scared or tense. It was just okay. The best part of the movie was sitting next to blue eyes :)

You might have thought he was gone because I haven't really mentioned him lately but nope. I still wonder if I should have hope. I think he's pretty dope. Wow, what a rhyme!

Hume Lake Here I Come

Grant got married over the weekend...I'm so happy for him but man, it's a bummer when your students get married before you. I got to hang with TJ and JT and that was a blast. Unfortunately we had to leave before the dancing began but I did have a long trek back to so Cal.

That trip to Fresno made me to stoked for Hume Lake. I'm leaving on Sunday and will have an entire week! Sweet action!

Tomorrow I'm going to Hollywood to watch Wicked at the Pantages. I'm excited for that too. The only thing about all the excitement in my life lately is that it costs mula...And I'm broke. It's sad when you're still broke on payday :)

Wonder where the week went?

It's been a week and I can't really remember what happened although I know it wasn't anything special. I've been busy but I feel like I've had a lot of free time. Too much time maybe and that's why my mind is on overload.

Have you ever had a week where you know you're exactly where God wants you to be and being obedient to the things He's called you to only to be completely lost and confused the next week? That's what life has been like. I don't like it so much that's for sure.

I have to go to a wedding this weekend in Fresno. Woohoo! I hope there's dancing.

Time for our middle school swim party. I'll think of something a little more clever to write about later...oh wait, I went fire chasing with Kelly today. It was a bonding experience, one I'm glad I shared with him.

"Squat like a catcher and pee in this cup"

I had to go to urgent care this week to renew my medical certificate for my class B license. It was a funny process and I'm glad I went with people I work with because it made it go by fast. It kinda makes me nervous about who they pass on these things though. I was put on the scale (always traumatic for every woman) and they had me read the eye chart. I seriously made some letters up but hey, I have 20/20 vision. Score! Yeah, there's that peeing in a cup. I've never done it into a dixie cup though. I spent more time waiting longer for the doctor to come than I actually spent with him. He told me to squat like a catcher and touch my toes. Why squat like a catcher? Maybe he saw I work with youth and thought I should be ready for a pick up game of softball, you never know when you'll need a catcher.

I saw Batman Begins last night. Pretty good movie, really great company :) Work has been pretty chill and this week I've had some time off and sorta clueless as to how to use the extra time. Okay, that isn't entirely true. I did laundry, read a book and so on.

Monday Monday

Today was a great day which makes me feel great because last week sucked. I woke up around 8 am but fell back asleep and finally rolled out of bed at 10:30. I was tired! I went to a wedding on Friday, rafting on Saturday and church all day on Sunday.

Rafting was amazing! I've never had such an adrenaline rush. JR took us on a class 5 run down the Kern river and I got thrown from the boat and pulled behind the boat across rocks. I finally got pulled into the boat and was laughing so hard because my shorts were coming down.

I decided to come to good old Fillmore this morning because I've missed my family. My stepdad told our family this week he was ready to be done with us. It's been really hard on my brother and mom. I got to town and he wanted to come see JD so I decided to go for a run. I miss Fillmore a lot. I sat in a park for a while and had some time with God. I finished the run and hung out with JD and Robbie. I sat with my mom for a while and we talked. Yup, today has been a pretty good day.

Check out Olivia and Vote!

I had to post it...

As I read it this afternoon I couldn't think of anything better to post than this. My words wouldn't suffice but His do.

Lamentations 3:1-33
I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin and my flesh grow old and has broken my bones. He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked. Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help. He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrows. He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver. I became the laughingstock of all my people; they mock me in song all day long. He has filled me with bitter herbs and sated me with gall. He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled me in the dust. I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD." I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Surrender

Have you ever given something over to God only to have Him hand it right back to you? That's how I felt this morning. He's pretty hilarious.

Sunless Tanning

When I was a senior in high school I had a halter prom dress. You all know prom comes at the end of the year which was also the end of track season. After being in the scorching Fillmore heat everyday of the week on the track I was a darkie. Except my tank top tan didn't match so well with the backless dress. So my mom thought I should try the sunless tanning lotion, the answer to all my problems. Instead it turned my skin orange and it rubbed off on my dress. Good thing I didn't care as long as I was dancing. That was the 90's though and here in 2005 I trust the sunless tanning scientists have perfected their chemical equation because I have a wedding to go to this weekend and I have a strapless dress. It probably still won't matter because I'll be dancing.

Maybe it's because I'm listening to Dashboard

Or it could just be this emptiness I feel surrounding me and sucking me in deep. I'm not satisfied with where life is. I keep thinking, maybe I am where I am because God knows I can't be trusted with something else. I doubt myself too much. Have you ever had the thought, "I could walk away from everything in my life right now" and then sit back and contemplate what that life would be like? Then you realize how stupid and pointless that life would be. That's where I was not long ago and I moved away from that place quickly, but it seems like it hasn't taken long for me to travel down that road again. The thing is, I know how completely sucky that life would be and how dumb it is to even think about a life without my church, my friends, family and especially my God. But I have. I don't post this so you worry, I do it because you're my friends and I want to be honest. I think it's time to retreat.

The little house

Dave gave me this "house" for mice. They walk in and can't get out. I think there might be one in the house now.

I'm already sad I'm not at camp. I hope you all are having fun.

Things I liked about today...

*sleeping in a comfy bed*taking a nice warm shower (not army style)*doing laundry at a house*free lunch*the puppet show*the burning question from kevin and bean*getting the questionaire done*receiving 2 new netflixed movies*email from friends*comments on my blog*my conversation with ryan about staples*knowing that I might get to sleep in tomorrow*

The Long Weekend

I'm house sitting for Cliff and Kitty this weekend and last night was my first night. It went smoothly, nothing out of the usual BUT this morning was a different story. I honestly thought the dog was dying and it freaked me out. Really, how would you feel if someone entrusted their pet (really like a child) to you and it died on your watch? I checked the dog this afternoon and it was jumping around and as happy as can be. In my mind I gave the dog the finger for making me look like a liar.

Joy is coming into town tonight. She called last night and needed a place to stay so as long as she doesn't mind the trailer she'll be hanging for a couple days or so.

I have no plans for the long weekend. I guess it's when most people get together and bar-b-que because beer is on sale but that ain't my thing. I'd rather sit outside and read. I know, I'm a huge nerd. But I still haven't seen Star Wars!

Fundraising is a drag

I hate fundraising. It's one of the major reasons I never even gave IV staff a second thought. There would be no way I could raise the thousands of dollars you guys raise. I admire you Maya! But I have the chance to go to Ethiopia this summer and I'm stoked on that. You have no idea how badly I've been begging God to go back there and now the door is open. BUT, I have to raise $3,100. Why am I called to such an expensive trip? :)

Last night our high school ministry put on a stunt show and although short, I liked the stunts. That air ramp was sick! Heather called me right before the show. There Heather, you're mentioned. I went to get candy for the event and Nate came with me. We had a blast spending $250 on candy. That guy makes me laugh!

Thursday mornings are always tough. I usually stay up until 12, 1 am on Wednesday nights/ Thursday mornings because of youth group and all that hanging out I like to do with staff, but I have Life group on Thursday mornings at 6:30 am. I have so much fun with these guys. I'm surrounded by some pretty funny people. You all would laugh a lot too. Off to the many things I have to accomplish today. It's a tough job trying to change the world.

"24" and fireworks

Wildnight came and went quick. It was some hard work but I had a lot of fun doing it and it was pretty organized. It was a blessing to see 400 kids on our property playing games, skating, paintballing and riding go-carts. We also had a 50 cc motorcycle demo and one of the guys ate it so hard trying to do a back flip off a ramp. I’ve seen some nasty stuff on TV but to be there and see his neck snap back as he hit the pavement...and the blood. Whew, that drew a crowd. I’d say 120 plus kids made decisions for Christ. I’m the skeptical one, I always doubt those decisions were genuine but I do know that the Holy Spirit was at work.

Thanks for your call Wess but so what if I’m an emo kid? It’s actually been good and freeing to be honest with myself. Sometimes life does suck and sometimes I am lonely but I know it’ll pass. A huge part of it is the 4 wedding invitations on my fridge and the 4 I know are on the way. Marisa, I really am excited for you. I know you’ve put in your time with Dave :)

I had a 2 hour lunch with a fantastic woman who’s walked the path I’m on right now. It was great to get her insight, advice and hear her story. She’s encouraging me to find those outlets where I don’t have to be a staff worker or counselor but I can just be me. So where do I go?

One group I totally cherish is my Monday night TV friends. The season finale of “24” was last night and I don’t want to wait until January for the next season! I guess we’ll find another show to watch on Monday nights. As we watched the show I saw fireworks. I mean real fireworks, outside of the apartment complex. It was so odd but for some reason I also thought it was hilarious.

I’m cooking a lot more now and I have to admit that I’m getting good. Last night I made this mushroom chicken bake and steamed veggies. As I sat down to dinner I came full circle with my day…cooking for one sucks.

In the words of Jack Johnson, "It's such a crying shame"

Funny how life doesn’t work out the way I think it’s going to. I guess it’s like one of the ladies at church said, “Man plans, God laughs.” I thought finally my car woes had disappeared but it doesn’t seem so. The “check engine light” has been on for the last 2 days and I fear the worst. The day the engine light went on the Jeep reappeared after being gone from the lot for a month. Maybe it’s time for a fun vehicle? I just keep thanking God for the ways He’s provided transportation and praying my car doesn’t die anytime soon. Someone asked me on Monday if I had a name for the car and I said no. A friend made the comment between chuckles, “call her lucky.” Argh!

Maya called me on Tuesday night and we had a great conversation. I’m sure she enjoyed listening to me cry about things I had no idea were bothering me. It’s just, I have so many desires and they’re becoming stronger every day but I don’t know what to do with these things. I want to go back to school so bad and start working on my Masters degree. I can’t stand the thought of more debt though and I have no idea where I’ll even go. Now more than ever I want to have someone to do life with. Man, living at Hume was so much easier. A relationship wasn’t even an option up there but now that I’m in the “real” world I wonder what’s wrong with me for not having that significant other. It doesn’t help when every other day I get a call from the Joshua update line (that’s what I’ll call her…you know who) and some other 20 year old from our class is getting married. I was really excited about this “Blue eyes” friendship that has been going on. It’s still a whole lot of fun spending time with him but he has no idea how I feel and I’m feeling so impatient. What’s my deal?

I’d say I’m a pretty confident woman. Yeah I have my insecurities but why am I so afraid to pursue these things in life? Why don’t I just apply to school and see what happens? Why don’t I just tell him how I feel? Why don’t I just go check out the Jeep? Why do I think through EVERY little detail? There are 2 things nobody likes, confrontation and rejection and I think those are 2 things I’d have to face in all the decisions laying ahead of me. I just don’t know what to do.

Olivia the Band

My car before $2000 worth of work. I felt so ghetto driving this thing around!

Not a closet fan...

I'm a Hanson fan. I have been for a long time and I do own every album. Yes, even the Christmas one. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I listen to this great band. I don't care if I get ridiculed for it.

Whew, now that I got that out of the way...How the heck are ya?

These last few weeks have been super busy, sometimes trying but overall pretty okay. We hosted a concert and that was stressful because when it was time to work nearly everyone disappeared. I got stuck doing a whole lot but the evening went great. I got to meet all the bands and even hang with some of them. Olivia was the best! These guys are from Hawaii and have such a heart for not only good music but ministry. The kids totally loved them and it was neat to see. KJ-52 was another "band" we had come. He's a rapper, some of you probably know who he is. He put on a great show and the guy is super funny. I hung out with Olivia at another show that weekend and it was kind of cool to feel like their friend.

Kristin graduated from A.P.U.! Woohoo for her. Slavich, Katie, Marisa and I had a good time together but I don't know how much those around us appreciated our laughing, joking and Sarah's paper airplanes. By the way Marisa, Danny called the game "cops and robbers."

I've been doing some reading about envy lately. It's interesting to see how sin entered the world through Adam and Eve and yet envy doesn't really show up until Cain and Able. Why do brothers and sisters fall into envy so quickly? I've been guilty of it lately and actually had to do some apologizing. I feel like I've been doing a lot of apologizing to people who should be apologizing to me. What is that about? Man, humility is such a hard thing.

I finished my 10 week course in the Crown Financial Bible Study and I proudly announce my hope to be out of debt by 2010. Ugh! It makes me sick to think it might take that long.

I'm stoked summer is around the corner but I confess I am super uber sad I won't be at Pondo. I hope to visit though.

I need to keep up with this so they aren't such long entries. If you've made it to the end, cheers!

A Great Update to Come

It should be here tomorrow, complete with pictures and all.

Just one highlight. I got my car back on Monday! Woohoo!

My Day Off

This weekend was so fun. It was the first weekend our new pastor spoke and he did a phenomenal job. I really enjoyed it and we even had a picnic for him and his family after church yesterday. There were so many people there. We had a chili cook off and it was the youth department's job to judge the chili. I got the coolest hat to wear. Wess, I think I might have to send it to you though.

Today is my day off and yet I'm stuck in this office for a few. I was told yesterday that I had to teach a seminar on Sunday (and for the next 4 Sundays) on hermeneutics. Plus I was asked to drive on a rafting trip for the high school seniors this weekend. We'll see what happens. I think it's be pretty dope to go rafting this weekend.

My car might be ready tomorrow, if she pays up. The only down side to that is I don't have an excuse to get rides from blue eyes now. I got to hang with him all weekend and that was fun. The more time I spend with him and the more I learn about him the more I like him...Maybe I should stop.

Kung Fu Hustle

I went to dance class last night and got my butt kicked. The dance was so fast! I had to improvise, there was no way any of us could do the dance that fast. So after dance Katie and I went to her house and watched some home videos. Home videos are the greatest, as long as I'm not in them. It's funny to see other people growing up, especially when you didn't know them back then. We decided we needed to actually leave the house and called Danny. We went and saw Kung Fu Hustle after having some yummy ice cream. It was great fun. I seriously enjoyed that movie so much.

It's J.D.'s 11th birthday. Kids, they grow like weeds. I get to spend the day in good ol' Fillmore.

Which character are you?

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it. I'm so, so, scared! You know you remember that episode. I wonder why Jessie and Zac never got together?


Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

The Greatest of All

This morning opened my eyes to a lot of things. I had lifegroup at 6:30 am and after only about 4 hours of sleep I was not so willing to get out of bed and go. But I did and I'm glad I did. I casually mentioned how I wish one of the guys would hang out with some of the guys I hang with so that they might learn some manners from him. This has been bugging me for the last week. It's not that I want to be miss princess but I see the man opening doors and what not as a sign of respect and that doesn't happen so much around here. Anyway, after an hour and a half of conversation about this I've come to the conclusion that it isn't just about manners. It's about servanthood and putting others before our self. It is about character, but not just because he's the man and that's what he should do to show respect and good character. He should do it because he wants to serve. Man, this makes it even a bigger deal. I also realize that I can't have a judgmental attitude about it and I don't think I do but wow...

Last night was youth group and all that jazz. The night went well and although I tried to stalk the girls we thought were smoking in the bathroom I had no luck catching them. So it's still a mystery, who is smoking in the bathroom? We went to Friday's after and I got to talk to blue eyes all night...He doesn't open doors though...That's another issue :) At around midnight we were ready to go except my boss thought it was a great night to take some of us to "gravity hill." It was windy, dark and a cemetery. I wasn't scared really, there was one point I was a little creeped out though. Out of nowhere this guy appears on the side of the road. He came out of the bushes with his dog and had this creepy smile. So there's this tree you have to get out and touch. Really, not a big deal and I willingly did it first. It was fun but I'm tired now!

I've fallen in love...With a jeep. Oh man she's a beaut! The girl who hit my car has finally agreed on a body shop and now I'm just praying I don't get jipped in some way. I was thinking about maybe selling the car once it's fixed and taking a look at this sweet jeep. Oh, it's gorgeous!

Now listening to "Guero" by Beck

That's what's on the I-pod at the moment. It's a good record, check it out. I'm still dealing with the girl who hit my car. Urgh! There hasn't been too much going on with me. Right now I have this feeling like life sucks. You know? But it's been awesome to see and know that knowing God is a true source of joy. Joy isn't dependent on circumstances. My family is going through a hard time, I'd appreciate prayers for them. That's all I really have time for right now. PeAcE.

My nightmare

So this whole accident thing has given me a headache and I've had to deal with a not so nice or loving person. So my question this morning at lifegroup was, can I take her to court? That's what it's looking like. I'll just drive with the duct tape until God provides something else.

Last night I was asked to sit on a panel in the high school group and do some apologetics. I was so nervous! It wasn't like I was scared to answer these questions but I was so nervous being up there. The good ol' question of is drinking alcohol a sin came up. One person spoke up quickly with a yes and I spoke up just as quickly with a no. Maybe now I'll be known as the lush but I think I defended my position pretty well.

I hung out with friends last night and we caught up on some t.v. we had missed while on spring break camp. I really enjoy this group of friends...But I wonder why I'm the only girl invited?

I think I'm gonna take some time off today. I have errands to run and things to do. I'd love to just sit and read too. Is anyone reading anything good right now? I'm almost done with Donald Miller...Good stuff.

A Quick Note Before I Go

I leave tomorrow for good ol' Blithe, CA. We're taking our high school students on a spring break trip. I'm in charge of driving to the go-kart track and the river everyday. Sweet deal. It should be fun, camping under the stars, teaching dance classes and getting to know blue eyes better :) Yeah so I have a little crush.

One student asked if I was teaching dance classes at this camp and I told him I would if he took the class. The high school director said he'd let them perform in front of everyone if there were at least 3 people who learned the routine. It's gonna be great. Nikki, I wish I had your input here! I think we'd teach the bomb diggity dance class together.

I've decided I'm never visiting Darin McWatters again. Every time I see that guy something bad happens to my car! Today I went down to Hollywood to have lunch and go to the record store. We had a great lunch, we both found killer deals on some music and then our visit was over. We were going back to The Oasis and I was making the left into the parking lot when this girl tried to pass me on the left (she crossed a double yellow to do it too) and she ran right into me. She nearly took off the front bumper and now it's duct taped together. That's right folks, I've become even MORE WT...I live in a trailer and my car is taped together. Thank God for duct tape but curses on young actresses late for their set time! Ugh, Hollywood.

Beverly Hills

If you haven't heard the new Weezer single, "Beverly Hills" then you should check it out on i-tunes. Oh man, it's so dope.

Searching for God knows what

That's the title of the new book I'm reading (compliments of Milnik) and I love it! You all should seriously purchase a copy for yourself. It has made me think about Adam and Eve a whole lot lately. I mean, he brings up such a good point. We are born sinners but they were made perfect. They knew that true union with God and they screwed it up. We don't even know how it felt to have it perfectly made you know? Can you imagine how Adam and Eve felt after they realized they were naked and now ashamed? His thoughts on scripture are so comforting too. Lately I've been reading the Bible and not really studying it but mostly just reading it and you know what? It's pretty amazing. Miller points out in his book just how much we get caught up in making everything into a formula. Follow points A,B,C and do 1,2,3 and you'll get it. But let's be honest, sometimes that doesn't work and then we get all distraught because the plan failed us. Man, I'm enjoying this.

This weekend I killed another mouse and a whole army of ants. I'm a good housekeeper...I mean, trailer keeper. My mom saw my trailer for the first time last week and she was impressed by the fancy pad I have set up for myself.

25 and white hair

I went and saw The Ring 2 on Wednesday night so I got to bed around 1:30 am and then had to get up for a 6:30 am meeting on my birthday. It was fun times though so I didn't mind. As I was doing my hair that morning I found 2 white hairs. Really, it isn't such a big deal, I've had white hair since I was in high school but why did I have to find these 2 on my 25th? I had to laugh...It was that or cry about it.

I usually hate birthdays but this one wasn't bad at all. I was very blessed and felt very loved throughout the day. My mom and stepdad and brother even drove to Northridge to have dinner with me.

Again there is nobody in the office today. I'm going shopping! I'd like to have a study Bible so I'm going to cruise the Bible bookstore for an hour before going to a Good Friday service.

Mars and David, sorry I didn't get any of your calls last night. I love you guys so much and truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your gift of love. I cried when I opened my gift, it was such a blessing.

I've been M.I.A.

So I haven't been around much and you've probably noticed because you check for my thrilling update often. Let's see...Christie and Dave got married and I always love a wedding with music because I get to show off the hottest new move on the dance floor with the hopes of wooing some equally hot dancer. Although I never woo, I do have a splendid time. I don't think people at this church will look at me the same. Oh, they didn't know I have the moves. Speaking of moves, I'm taking a dance class and I love it. It's the greatest thing and I have so much fun. I almost didn't go to the first one because I can be shy. It was fun and the class is small. I guess me and the other 7 girls in the class don't have a life on Friday evenings huh?

I had a great weekend at Hume Lake (it's a refuge). I "red coated" for the jr. high weekend and Darin was the speaker. I got to spend some time with the McW crew and his teaching was phenomenal. For you ex-JW members, have you really ever recognized all in Philippians 3? I mean, we had to memorize that entire book and I don't think I ever realized just what Paul was saying. I was challenged and he was speaking to the jr. highers! My heart was heavy with many things over the weekend and I asked God a lot of ,"why?" and his responses humbled me, "because I'm God." It's amazing.

I turn 25 tomorrow and what am I doing? Working and probably trying to jump into another hip hop class. I have nothing better to do. I hate birthdays because the people I think should care the most often forget it. I think my dad has forgotten every year since I turned 15. He called me on Monday and was like, "Oh hey, your birthday is this week right?" I'm like, "Yes and thanks for calling way in advance to cover your butt." Maybe I shouldn't be so bitter, at least he got the week right instead of that year he missed it by a month. I guess I mention this all as my desperate attempt to get comments on the blog and to remind you all so I can feel better about myself.

Becky, JT and I in my bedroom. To the right is the closet and on the left is the bathroom. Remember I live in a 5th wheel.

"Just give me Jesus"

Last night I had a mentoring meeting and we listened to Anne Graham Lotz read from her book. There was something that made me tear up as I heard the southern drawl repeating, "just give me Jesus." That's it...What I need. Not a bigger heart or more compassion or patience. Just Jesus.

I joined a gym. I wasn't gonna do it, I just wanted to try it out but they hook you in as soon as you walk in those doors. I was pretty intimidated at first because well, I didn't want to be surrounded by all these beautiful people working to keep their perfect shapes and flirting with one another and you know, the gym scene. It hasn't been like that, granted I've only been for 2 days but I like it. It's chill, the atmosphere is cool and it's a really nice place. On top of all that I found 2 hip hop classes that I can go to there. Sweet deal! Watch out for my new moves.

Christie and Dave are getting married this weekend so there will be lots of friends in town. That's exciting. Graham and Sarah-Louise are getting married too but I can't go to Australia to be there. Best wishes to all.

Oh, just so you know Aaron, I check your blog first all the time. I hope you feel special :)

I need a bigger heart or something...

I tried to post over the weekend but blogger wouldn't let me so the bathroom junk is fixed and actually I'm moving again. This time they can move my entire house without me even moving my stuff. How great is that? Maybe I'll live in a trailer for the rest of my life so I'll never have to deal with moving my junk again.

I've been reading a lot lately. A lot of scripture, a lot of books, a lot of your blogs. Life wants to overwhelm me. On Sunday in the college group Mike wanted us to evaluate our sin and be broken and come to the table of communion. I couldn't go. Not because I'm not broken over my sin but because I felt like I had to do some pleading with God. I've been loving, trusting and trying harder than I ever have and yet I'm continually knocked down. I just sat and cried before my Father. Why is my family life crappy? Why can't I love Him more? Why can't I show more compassion?

My mom has had it hard lately. Her husband isn't loving her, caring for her or even trying. She has to have surgery today on both hands for carpal tunnel, her pinky is being cut to the first joint because of cancer. She's in pain, physically, emotionally, spiritually and I feel like there's nothing I can do. My mom doesn't know God the way I do and yet she's so strong and I question Him everyday! Why?

I look at people around me and I want to love them so much. I want to give all that I am and all that I have. I want them to see that and want that from me. I hear from some of you and I wish I could put my arms around you and show you how much I care. I want to give so much more but I feel like I have nothing to give. Maybe I just need a bigger heart or something.

Urgh!

Why do I sit here and try to update only to be denied and rejected by blogger?

I don't live in an airplane

But it sure feels like it when you have to use the bathroom. My toilet is the only part about my house that makes me feel like I'm always camping instead of living everyday life. I wish that made me feel like I was always on a vacation but nope, it doesn't. Instead, it scares me every time I have to use the bathroom. You go to flush and the hole opens and there goes your waste. I had a party this week with some of the girls I work with. It was a ton of fun to have a place to bring friends to hang out but I don't think my toilet liked it because now it's acting backed up. I don't really know what to do either. It isn't like I can plunge it, how do you plunge a hole? I think I started to believe there really was this black hole that stuff just fell into and disappeared, now I'm not so sure about living on the septic system. Anyone know what to do?

Potty stories aside, this last week has been alright. I had the chance to sit with my boss and put things on his radar that will need addressing once he returns from his month long honeymoon. My job description just got totally reworked and that's okay with me. Instead of doing these retreats I'm going to be focusing on developing our staff and small group leaders. I think this is a great thing because the need is so great. He wanted me to do this and that but I sorta let him know that that won't be possible. I can't do EVERYTHING excellent, just most of it :) Only kidding.

This weekend we as a church are voting on a new senior pastor. This guy is cool, we'll see how things go. I've had the chance to hear him share about himself this week but I'm really looking forward to hearing him bring the Word...I want to be at a church where I'm constantly being challenged by the truth of the scriptures.

Josh is in Germany this week with Hume Lake doing camps for missionary kids. If you think about it pray for him. Also, pray for my mom. She's having surgery this week on both hands and they're cutting part of her pinky off (they found cancer on it) and she won't have use of her hands for a few weeks. Can you imagine not being able to cook, clean or wash yourself? Love you.

I'm from South Africa and these are real pants!

Peter got a new car. Maybe someday he'll come visit me.

I miss these kids...

It's been a while

It's been a rough 2 weeks, obviously I haven't had much time to write. We did a leadership retreat last weekend and it went alright but the first one was better. I hung out with awesome friends and made some new ones. We had our "Main event" with Wildlife and after days of building this dumb maze I saw it all being torn down and put away for another year in 20 minutes.

This last weekend was one of the first weekends I had alone time. I enjoy my alone time but this was too much for me. I guess I just miss having close friends around. The only people who really know what is going on with me and my family around here are the guys I work with but, well boys, you just aren't that great at listening or comforting. Things with my family are hard and sometimes things seem so hopeless. I know that God is good though and I have to press on toward the goal.

Just so you all know, I miss camp.

Annoying is no more

I killed him. I set the trap, put some peanut butter on it because that's what everyone told me they liked and sure enough he took the bait. At least he isn't roaming my house while I'm sleeping. I think he had a motorcyle and that's how he got around. Do you remember that mouse that had the motorcycle? I think his name was Ralph. I'm sure he died too.

I'm doing my second leadership retreat this weekend...We'll see how it goes. It's been a frustrating week with all this prep. I didn't think I would get our follow up material done but here I am, 2 hours before our staff meeting and I'm ready to go. Check me out. I've come to the conclusion that communication in our office and to our volunteers SUCKS! People around here wait until the last minute to do everything and in this particular instance it's made me look like an idiot. I'm about to start speaking up a whole lot more. I don't know if they'll like that though.

Writer's Block Will Kill Me

So I'm sitting at my desk where I've been for the last oh, 3 hours and I have yet to write one word on the oh so important curriculum that is due tomorrow. Take me now Jesus! I just can't seem to get going. There's no motivation, insight or encouragement coming. I've got nothing. I read different scriptures, what others have written on discipleship and I'm even contemplating plagiarism but still it all seems so ugh! Maybe I'll pack up the computer and go home where there's nothing else to do but read and write. Nah, I'm sure I'll find distractions there too.

I saw Gavin on Thursday. We're on a first name basis now. He's simply uh-maze-ing! The guy seriously is breath taking. It was Josh's first concert experience ever and I'm glad the drunk girl decided to do her sexy dance next to him. He started laughing so hard he had to walk away for a song. It was quite hilarious, I wish I had moves and tattoos like her.

JT spent the weekend in my bling-bling trailer and we had good times. I even invited boys in. I'm still not sure if that was okay but I did it anyway! I had a great time with Nate, Daniel and Tim too. Saw "Hitch," it was enjoyable and almost killed the mouse this weekend. He's just too fast! Becky came out to visit and we reminisced about fun camping/beach stories. It was even better because Nate didn't understand any of it and resorted to reading Real Simple. Watched "Garden State" and enjoyed that. Overall it was a good weekend, even if certain friends say they want to hang out with you and that they'll call and never do. I'm constantly reminded that those aren't friends. Oh yeah, I saw Curtis too and man he has a sweet beard. That guy cracks me up!

Rejected, Slain, Risen

I was reading "True Spirituality" by Francis Schaeffer this morning and something he pointed out that I tend to forget is that there is no death like Jesus' death. His call to die to self and pick up our cross is a huge call...The cross has splinters, it's painful! We're people who love to put ourselves at the center of everything, we don't like to say no unless it makes us abundant in other areas of life. I'm such a selfish person! I can't truly enjoy the risen aspect until I recognize and accept that before the risen part comes the rejection and death. To die to self...Whew, that's big. So Jasen proposed participating in Lent this season and I think it's a great idea. I remember growing up in the Catholic church where it was don't eat meat on Fridays and give up candy or something like that. It means so much more now and I see the value in the practice. So what will I sacrifice? I told Jasen I would give up an hour of every day to be still before God. That's going to be a challenge but I'd appreciate the accountability from you my friends.

I have a new roommate

His name is annoying and he moved in over the weekend while I was at Hume Lake. He's small and gray and a field mouse. Last night he knocked over some pills on the counter and it gave me the idea. What if I left a pill out for him to nibble on? Would that kill him? I mean, it's only a very strong pain killer from when I had surgery. I heard him in a cupboard as I sat at my table last night and when I opened the cupboard door holding a hammer he jammed into the tiniest crack ever. He's going to die very soon. I don't want roommates!

Tomorrow is a big day. I'll be joining Jen and Josh for Gavin Degraw, it should be glorious.

Turn it on, Turn it up, Necessito la la la

Hume Lake is a refuge. Unless you take 110 middle school students! I've never been to camp with that many students to care for and it was an experience. I love Hume though and it was great to see friends and spend time with some of our students. The speaker was, ehhh, I was disappointed but the band was great! I can't wait to red coat in March. I had dinner with Darin and that was fun, he cracks me up.

Last night was my 3rd night in the trailer and well, there's this cupboard that hangs over my bed and I've been thinking, one night I'm gonna nail my head on it. Sure enough, last night was the night. I woke up around 3am because it was stinking freezing in my place (colder than Hume I kid not) and sat up, smack. I grabbed my sweatshirt and laid down and smack. I was out of tears already (story to come tomorrow) so I just laid down and went to bed. Good times in the new place.

Read This

My friend Darin McWatters is one funny, whitty and very smart guy. Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage. Not that I want to get married now, someday maybe, but mostly I've been saddened by the hurt I see in so many families (mine included). I think Darin makes a great argument. Check it out at http://www.humelake.org/content/re_humenews.php?nidd=58&dyr=04&dqtr=4#article

Aren't we intimidating?

You need to bring back that hair cut and the pink shirt.

I miss it much

This week as I went about work and all that jazz I stopped for a moment and thought...I really miss camping ministry. I'm so sad I won't be going back to Pondo this summer, especially since all the cool kids are doing it. I'm glad I'm only 2 hours away (when my car doesn't brake) so I can visit. Then I thought, they're starting Hume Lake East. What if I went there? What if I just up and moved to Ethiopia? Why am I so scared? Right now things seem so good. I enjoy sharing the office with Nate and Dre. I like working with the youth. I just moved into a sweet trailer (pictures to come). I have this fear that if I did go to Ethiopia I would do it alone and that's how life would be...Tonight Mike asked if we would be willing to go and do because God said to, not for anything we'd get out of it. I'd have to say yes, of course I would. Then I thought, please don't send me to Ethiopia alone, and God, I have so much debt! I'm so dumb! Who knows where God will lead?

Congratulations are in order for Amanda and Jasen. I'm happy for you two and I love you very much.

I'm Deb

Deb
(Please rate my quiz)


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

She's back...

My little beavis is back. $700 and a trip to San Bernardino later my car is finally back in my possession. Despite the money issue it was a total blessing that my car broke down. It allowed people to serve and love me (that sounds selfish, I know) but it taught me a lot about where my heart is with the things I own and the things I don't have control over. It also taught me a lot about having to allow others to serve me, that isn't something I do well. I was also able to have an awesome conversation with my brother on our drive out to get the car. Plus my mom has been blown away at how "grown up" I am. I would've come up the mountain Pondo Peeps but I had to get back to work. Bummer dude.

On another note...My trailer is almost ready! That's right, it's been almost 5 months so that means I'm moving again. This time I'll be at this address for a longer period of time (Lord willing). Hit me up for my new address. I'll let you know when the trailer warming party takes place for any of you interested.

Check Check it Out

Hey folks, my friend Nate just joined the blogging world. Check this kid out, he's a smart one but also probably one of the funniest people ever. www.milnik.blogspot.com

This will get feedback...

So just a question because you all know me and hopefully love me. Would I be out of line to ask a boy what the heck is his deal?

Provision

I thought I was going to have a fun time at Pondo this weekend, see friends and have some great hang time. Those plans were ruined when my car broke down next to the depot. At least I got to stare at all the mountain traffic and the Deer Lick Car Wash. Mountain people scare me. I wish they didn't speak their own language. Curt was our tow-truck driver and after his mumblings I finally figured out he was telling me he knew the guys at the lumber yard. So they towed my poor car to San Bernardino and Josh was inconvenienced by my troubles. I did get to spend a few minutes with friends and that was great. Through all this mess God has proven his greatness and I've realized there is no need to stress. Josh drove me to Azusa (big time shout out to him) and Sarah drove me home (much love to Mo Hill). She dropped me off Sunday and I was prepared to camp out for the night until I could find a ride home. Dan West came up to me after church and asked why my face was red...I'd been crying thank you very much. He gave me his car keys and said take it. Oh man what a blessing. Anyway, there's the weekend in a nut shell. Thanks Pondo for being so great.

Hiatus

It's been a while but I'm not sure if anyone is even reading this anymore seeing that other blogs haven't beed updated in a while. There's lots to tell but I really just want to give a big fat full of love shout out to my brother Robbie. Happy Birthday bro!

Random Writings

I have no order to the things I've been thinking about lately. I'm not sure why but I feel so confused about life. Mostly I feel like there is this huge section of my brain that I have yet to tap into and I'm not sure how to get there. Does that make any sense? I mean, I'd say I'm an intelligent person, I have critical thinking skills. So why do I feel like I'm not using them at all? Man! Maybe it's because I've been trying to wrap my mind around some huge ideas.

I had coffee with a good friend yesterday and we had an awesome talk. I love hanging out. I've had the chance to spend time with different staff this week and it's been great. This is truly what I see as my job and ministry.

Yesterday I also went to the batting cages with Bre and now I'm sore. It sure was fun though.

My friend Veronica had a baby...Strange! Landon was born 3 months early and he'll be in the NICU for a few months but God has been so good in strengthening him and his parents.

I went to San Diego. Oh man, it was a great time except for the fact that it seems like the season to be or get engaged. I don't get it. I'm just being patient.

Those are some thoughts. Stay tuned for more to come...

Happy New Year

I rung in the new year with some new friends and although they're great I really missed the other friends I haven't seen in so long. Did anyone make a resolution for 2005? I haven't really thought about it but I would love to spend more time with friends, doing more reading, less t.v. I'm also on the mission of finding that balance between work and home. I'm just going to burn myself out if I stay at the office all of the time.

I went to Hume on the 28th with our Youth Ministries Staff and it was fabulous! We did a short retreat/planning time. There were so many students from last year there it was a little overwhelming for me. I would have loved to spend more time with the JWI kids but our staff meetings were important and we got a lot of work done. It snowed so much while we were there, it was beautiful.

During our retreat I had the chance to spend time with Chenille, the only female intern. We had some great talks! Oh man, it was so cool to see how our relationship grew from those hours in the car and staying in the same room. We didn't sleep much but it was fun. One thing we were talking about is how girls ALWAYS compare themselves with others. We were wondering if boys did that too. What do you think? Fellas, any feedback?