Another week of thanks

10 - Completed an exam pretty successfully
11 - a 24 hour Walmart
12 - Sleeping in & UFC fight nights
13 - the Salvation Army bus ministry at 1BL
14 - having the courage to speak up about certain issues in class
15 - Maya & her birthday!
16 - Trent & his birthday!
17 - Rosie Thomas is going to release a new album. I'm also thankful I finally got to do grocery shopping & I have food to eat now!

This Week's Thanksgivings

I'm really bad at getting on here daily. I have many things to be thankful for today.

6 - Sunday afternoon football
7 - a valid MMPI result :)
8 - Friends to laugh with on a very crappy day
9 - Answered prayers!!!

Day 4

I knew I'd be bad at posting what I'm thankful for every day this month...I'll go ahead and post the 4th & 5th:

I'm thankful for good & honest conversations. I'm also thankful for sleeping in tomorrow.

I'm obviously a 2nd year

I haven't posted since the first day of school...yeah, it's been that busy. Some days are a bit overwhelming, some days I wonder what I would do if I wasn't so busy. School is hard and I'm learning a lot, but it's hard. Did I mention it's hard? 2nd year is over 1/4 of the way done! I'm in the process of trying to pick classes for next semester and I've made 2 different master plans. In my first plan I take 16-18 units each semester and apply to internship a year early. In the second plan I take 9-16 units a semester and apply to internship on time. The possibility of getting out of school a year early is enticing. I just don't know how prepared I feel to be applying for internship and venturing out in the clinical workplace on my own. I think since I first started school I thought I would put my nose to the grind and finish early. Now that the time has come to really make those decisions, I'm scared. It's sorta difficult to allow myself to take my time. I've always felt like I have to know what I want to do, have a plan, and not waiver. Staying another year feels like wavering...

I've definitely been isolated, spending time in my room, the library, the student lounge, working away. I haven't been involved at church much this semester, which has been difficult to be away from. It's also sort of outta sight, outta mind. Nobody really reaches out to me to see how things are going. Makes me think everyone is tired of hearing about school. Maybe they are, I don't know. At least my therapist listens to me :)

My health has been up and down this semester. I'm still way better than I was this summer, but I'm definitely not at my normal functioning level. I have to go to the doctor again this month. I hate this part of my life.

Well, we'll see when I get to another post. Maybe Thanksgiving :) Actually, I'd like to do this month of thanks I see so many friends doing. I'll start a day late but I'll start with this:

I'm thankful for a perfect God who loves my imperfections.

I'm a 2nd year!

School started today but all of my classes were postponed, so what did I do? I watched soaps and trashy TV, went to walmart, and then had to go to the counseling center. I know, productive. I have class tomorrow morning and then the madness of 18 units, TAing, client hours, supervision, consultation, my own therapy, and church stuff are ready to take my life. I've been trying to decide if I should continue to be a part of the college ministry at my church. It was a good thing for me this last year, but I know I won't have the time to really invest this semester. I've been praying about it, but I don't have a clear answer yet. I'd appreciate prayers, advice, and wisdom!

My Soul Must Sing!

Well, I thought with time during the summer I would post more often. Obviously that didn't happen. I thought I would do a lot of things this summer, but my plans were thwarted by a series of health issues. Most of the summer I've dealt with an inflamed sciatic nerve. It's the most painful thing I've ever felt, and it seems to be a yearly occurrence. I've spent a lot of time trying to get comfortable standing, sitting, laying...not much was bearable. It's been a bummer having to spend so much of the summer being inactive and on ice packs. I recently went to a new rheumatologist, since I haven't seen a doctor in nearly a year. He sent me to have specific blood tests done for scleroderma. Basically, it's another autoimmune disease, but this one sounded much scarier because symptoms are much more severe than what I'm currently dealing with with the lupus diagnosis. I went to the lab, had blood drawn, peed in a cup, and left for a week at Hume Lake, leaving me to think about this for the next week.

Hume had some highs and lows. It was great to be back at a place I called home for a while. I hadn't been to the camp since I moved to San Diego and then La Mirada, about 4 years. It was also great being there with new and old friends. It was hard being in a cabin of high school girls that didn't know me, or one another very well. My one on one conversations were pretty awesome and I felt encouraged by them, but when we would have cabin time, they would shut up like clams and not share at all. It was also difficult feeling so vulnerable with God and questioning so much. I felt like I needed to get my junk in order to be with these girls, at the same time, I was a mess inside. Thankfully I had friends who lifted me up in prayer, which is the only way I made it through the week.

I was able to spend time in scripture and writing in my journal while at Hume. I had forgotten how great and valuable that time is for me and my relationship with God. As I read through various passages I was comforted in knowing that the things I am facing, physically, mentally, and spiritually, are nothing compared to the suffering Christ endured through the cross. Yet, like Paul, I should long to share in that suffering. That really put things into perspective and has been a source of strength in the last few days of waiting for test results.

I went to the doctor this afternoon and my test results were about as good as I could hope for. I tested negative for scleroderma, but that doesn't mean I'm in the clear. The doctor said this is something that can just explode one day. He's heard of cases where there were no symptoms or positive test results and then one day a patient will wake up unable to move. My lupus antibodies were still positive, but for now my blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood count levels were excellent. It's a little reassuring to me and my doctor that as of now, there is no affect on my internal organs. So, I'll continue to sit an lay on ice and hope the pain goes away before school starts next week.

Summer Plans

I decided in May to start my 3rd year practicum this summer (I'm a year ahead in practicums) for a lot of reasons. Practicums run a year long, so starting in June means I'll be done in June of 2012. It also means I don't really get a summer break, but it seemed like a good choice since next summer I'll be taking comprehensive exams and will be able to focus on that. This all seems to be going so quickly. I guess it's a good thing, but I feel like I have so much to learn still. For example, today I learned I'll be seeing couples now! This sort of freaks me out and makes me scared. What do I know about couples!? At least my supervisor has confidence in me :)

Since I'm at practicum I can't travel too far away from home but I'm hoping to get to San Diego and will be back in Fillmore next weekend. I really want to go to the bay, we'll see if that happens.

Let Freedom Ring!

It's almost June. I realize I haven't posted since February and nobody probably looks at this anymore. That's okay. I just need to declare I am done with my first year as a doctoral student and tomorrow begins my third year practicum and Friday brings a summer class on Relational Psychoanalysis...but summer will be much lighter! Yes, I'm skipping second year practicum because I'm just that awesome. Not really, I was just able to transfer in units :) Now I'm looking for a flexible summer time gig that will earn me gas money so I can visit some of you this summer. It isn't looking so great, I can't even get babysitting jobs with a BA & MA. Hopefully something works out very soon! I hope to update a little more this summer, maybe take time and space to reflect on what the last 9 months of school has been like. Stay tuned...

Loneliness & Boredom

I went away to Big Bear last weekend with our college group from church. It was a rough trip for me because of how I was feeling, the amount of school work that needed to get done, and my lack of motivation. Saturday morning I broke down in tears. I knew it would happen, I just didn't want anyone to see it. It was humbling to not have a place to go and hide and cry my eyes out, but God taught me a good lesson in that moment. He reminded me that I needed to be vulnerable and that I needed to allow others to care for me. I was able to share just a bit of what has been going on with me with some of the girls in my group and I realized that as their leader, I felt like a failure. I mean, I was supposed to be the one with my act together. I was supposed to counsel them and let them cry. But here I was, needing people to process with. While I didn't get into my whole story, I see how it brought me closer to the body of Christ and that deserves a whole mess of praise.

It's still hard, I'm still not feeling well. That on top of a boring load of reading I have to do has made me more than irritable, I've been angry a lot. I told my mom I was looking for a therapist and she didn't understand. Lately it feels like nobody does and that's exactly why I need a therapist :) I'm only slightly joking here. But I wait and hope and try to look forward to what's to come. One thing I am excited about: MOVING!!!

Where's my healing?

Mark 10:46-52

Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

The sermon this Sunday was on this passage. They were talking about it with a missions perspective and I found it challenging to think about the ways I follow (or don't) after Jesus and the expectations I have for our relationship. I know there is one great fear I have in following Him and I really have been praying through this in the past 2 days.

I'm also wrestling with this passage from a different perspective. Most of you know, I have been living with lupus for the last 3 years (it seems like so much longer) and have had my ups and downs with the disease. Right now I'm on a downward slope, feeling achy in my hands, feet, and back. Being so tired I could literally fall asleep one minute and then finally getting in bed only to toss and turn for hours. It's a pain in the ass right now. So while reading this I think about Bartimaeus shouting out to Jesus and being given what he asked for, sight. I've prayed for Jesus to heal me. To take away the uncertainty of this disease, to give me a body that is able to train for marathons, compete in jiu jitsu tournaments, and not require 10 hours of sleep at a time. I've prayed for the emotional mess that comes with a chronic illness to be taken from me. But it's still here and I wonder, am I calling loud enough? Am I lacking in faith? Belief? I know I'm not perfect but I know God can heal me, so why doesn't he? While I feel like I'm in the deep dark of something, I also am reminded that God works for His glory. So, while I don't understand this right now, there has to be His glory in it somewhere. It's just tough accept tonight.

Humbled

Today I was at the counseling center and noticed they failed to put the M.A. after my name on my name plate. It really bothered me and I had to stop for a minute and evaluate why. I think part of it is because others have their M.A. proudly stamped on their name plates and I want to show my degree off too. Part of it is because I've doubted so much that I'm capable and deserving to be where I am and get to the end goal. I then came home to an email from another grad student regarding grades and I had a realization; my clients won't know if I had a 4.0 or a 3.5. They won't know I got a B+ in stats but aced my psychopathology final. They won't care if I was the best of the best in my program. What they will care about is if I'm helpful and capable of walking through crap with them.

I had a moment tonight at church where I was able to talk to a student who is in a lot of pain. As I sat there with them I thought, you are a horrible counselor and you don't have the right words. As soon as those thoughts came to mind I also was reminded of what our group had just been talking about, blessings. I might not have had the exact words she needed to hear but I think tonight was a blessing.

I'm continually humbled by God, by the ways in which He works for His glory and allows me to join in on it. I'm blessed by the communities at church and at school.

2011 excitement

Blogger refused to let me post for a while. I don't know what was up with all the error messages but I finally gave up. I'm trying again, mostly in avoidance of reading the most boring books this semester. I think all of my professors got together and liked the idea of reaction papers due every week...seems like that's what my semester will be. I got pretty good at cranking out 5-8 pages of writing a night thanks to my interterm class that nearly killed me. I'm not saying any of the writing was quality, I was just about quantity. Anyway, the biggest bummer about reaction papers is I have to read in order to have something to react to. Booo to hundreds of pages of reading a week.

Well, it's 2011 and I think I want to go to 1 new place a month. This doesn't necessarily have to be far, but looking at new towns. January held a trip to Seattle. Oh man is that a cool place. I just loved walking around and checking things out, drinking coffee and looking at art. I'm not sure where I'll go in February but thanks to the holidays I have the next 2 Mondays off. Maybe I'll finally go out to Brea or something :) Any suggestions on where to travel to this year?