babies galore

I've been around California and held a lot of babies this week. It's been fun, here's my recap.

Saturday I traveled to Morgan Hill and hung with the Richters. Sarah and Justin are fantastic and have a beautiful 4 month old girl. Grace has got to be the best baby I've ever been around, she hardly fussed and is always stylin'. While I was in Morgan Hill I also got to catch up with the Hauges. I've known Chris and Joy for over 15 years now, they were the ones to really introduce me to Christ and they hauled me to church for a few years when nobody else wanted to take me. I've always been thankful for their encouragement and example. They have a 6 month old boy, Silas (bringing their total to 6 kids). Silas is a monster which is only funny because all the other kids are so small. Grace and Silas are already betrothed.

I left Morgan Hill on Monday and met up with AJ. We had a good breakfast and even better time laughing and talking. The highlight was definitely when he barked in the restaurant. He blames me for his craziness but I don't receive that, it comes from his core. After I said goodbye to Nor Cal I headed to Fresno to see baby #3. JT and I went to dinner at the Pullens that night and played a "fast moving tile game" called Rummikub. Don't be fooled, it isn't fast, but I do like it. Grant and Erin are the parents to Benji, who already loves football as an infant.

Tuesday was another day of driving and I ended up in Chatsworth to eat and play games with my old student ministries friends. On Wednesday I finally finished my tour-o-babies with Dee Ann and Tim's kids, Ryan and Natalie.

My mom asked how my trip was and I just described it as feeling like my heart was full. It was so great tojavascript:void(0) see new and old friends, feel completely at ease doing nothing, laughing so hard I cried and talking about issues so deep I cried. It really was what I needed to finish out 2009 and I hope for more of this feeling in 2010.

Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas! One of my favorite Christmas traditions is opening up stockings in the morning before any gifts are handed out and ripped open. I'm always a little surprised when I hear people say they've never done stockings before. I also always feel a little sorry for these people. It's the time of the year when I get new underwear, socks, and stock up on toothpaste, etc. I always look forward to the stocking. Santa also left us all snuggies this year so we took sibling pictures in them in front of the tree. I'll definitely post these soon.

My mom thought she was so clever with mine and Robbie's gift. I'll give it to her, it was good. She had told us not to expect many gifts this year but after looking under the tree I thought I was going to make out pretty well. I opened a bag first and it had dollar bills crumpled in it. The next bag did too. There were a few bags like this and I wasn't complaining. I am a little weird about my money though, it has to be organized. I like my bills in numerical order, facing the same way and as straight as possible. So, these gifts took me a while to get through. After the bags were done I started on the boxes and it was the same thing, cash. It was a good gift, I like cash.

Christmas was different this year. Probably because it was quiet for the most part and if you've ever been around my family you know they aren't quiet people. I once again fell asleep in the middle of the festivities and I'm soon heading to bed. I'm driving north tomorrow and I'm super excited about this trip. I'll be meeting Grace, Silas, and Benjamin for the first time this weekend. Those are all the babes born in the last few months. I plan on doing a lot of baby holding in the next few days!

Christmas Eve Flare

Christmas eve is reserved for my Dad and his family. When I was a kid it was a big family gathering, with cousins coming from all over Southern California and lots of tamales being steamed. We'd have to wait until midnight to open gifts and it always drove us kids crazy. Now that gathering is small and we don't wait until midnight anymore (thank goodness) but we still have lots of tamales.

I haven't been feeling well. What a time for a flare. I'm sleeping a lot and feeling very sore in my joints. During family time on Christmas eve I actually fell asleep at the table. It probably doesn't help I haven't been consistent with my medication lately. My bad. Maybe this should be my resolution for 2010.

So far So good

Vacation started on Friday at 2 and it's been a great vacation so far. I was able to enjoy some great food (sorry pumpkin pancakes, the eggnog pancakes at IHOP are now my favorite)and spend time with friends. I laughed a whole lot and got to play games and I hadn't even left San Diego yet.

Saturday night was the first annual ugly Christmas sweater party at the Milnik/Kilroy residence. It led me to ask the question, is there such a thing as a pretty Christmas sweater? I don't know if I've ever seen one. I wish I had Jacob Barena's "Wise men still seek him" sweatshirt he would wear around Joshua but I improvised and pinned an "official mistletoe tester" button on my rather plain sweater. Milnik was the only one who wanted to take me up on the offer. He also happens to be the only one who knows no personal boundaries. They had a live band and I played the maracas while Nathan screamed the lyrics to a Rage Against the Machine song. The cops shut down "Nasty Nate's Nightclub" so we took awkward pictures with Santa and his helper and watched as random people came through the party. Oh how I love people watching.

Sunday was the second annual Christmas tea and cookie party at the Venizelos household. I ate so much sugar I thought I was gonna go into a diabetic coma but it was fun to see friends and again...watch people. Katie and I met up with Danny and Kelly and had a delightful dinner at Pizza Cookery. The boys even paid for our dinner but I told Kelly he could only hug me at the end of the evening. Katie kept commenting on how unsanitary kissing is and Kelly assured us kissing through saran wrap worked. Oh my awkward friends. We watched Avatar which I actually liked. I'm not a big sci-fi fan (unless it's Outter Space Astronauts of course)and I'm definitely not a fan of 3 hour movies, but this kept my attention and was a good movie overall. The best part of the night had to be seeing this guy fall down the escalator. Now, before you go on thinking I'm just some evil person who delights in others' pain, let me tell you he thought is was funny to go down the up side. He fell so hard and just kept rolling. I thought stuff like that only happened on the movies!

I finally made my way to Fillmore and even though I've been here less than a day, I'm ready to choke JD. He was in everything in my room today, reading my text messages, playing with my ipod, but the most annoying thing was when he put the dog on my bed. I love our Christy but I hate her hair on my bed. I took a long run (about an hour)and it felt good but now my heel hurts and I'm sure I need new shoes. As I ran along the Sespe river I couldn't help but stop and look at the orchards, the sun setting on the valley and think about how amazing the Lord, Creator is. I stopped and said thanks and am inspired to hike tomorrow for some quiet time.

I have this urge to get in my car next week and drive somewhere new. I have friends all over California, I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find a place to stay, but I also know I have limited time with Danny and Katie.

This weekend...

I've enjoyed the following things in no particular order:

The rain, hanging out with Ethan, UFC fights at Caz's, processing with Mel, my San Diego Christmas, Lego Rock Band, cooking, sleeping, my Christmas tree, arts and crafts, breakfast with Ryanne, the Glee soundtrack, Pastor Miles' sense of humor, the TRUTH of scripture, clean laundry, Hot Tamales, finally getting an oil change for my car, and confirmation my application to the University of Oregon & NYU is complete.

Laugh it Off

Part of my process in CBB included me having to put myself out there more often, learning to be open and sometimes dependable on others. This took time but eventually happened with my cohort and practicum members but my advisors wanted to challenge me to do it with strangers. I know most of you wouldn’t say I’m a shy person but I am and you probably know I can be an extreme introvert. I was often asked why I was so willing to talk about certain areas of my life but others (relationships and dating) was off limits. So, in February I went speed dating for the first time and it was actually fun. I figured people like to talk about themselves so I just had to ask questions. I went speed dating again this week with a friend and it was such a horrible experience, I really just laughed a whole lot. While I sat there listening to these guys talk I just kept thinking about how I really don’t want to meet someone speed dating and really, did these guys even remember I was sitting there? I think they thought they were on dates with themselves because they didn’t try to find out a whole lot about me. This experience led to an interesting conversation with a coworker the next day. She had made some observations about me, and while they were mostly true, it made me feel sad, angry, and a little bitter towards her. It sounded like she was blaming me for not opening up. I thought why can’t I choose who I open up to? But then it brought me back to sitting in the CBB circle and I felt like the self-awareness and progress I had made in that year of school was really not much progress at all. I’m refusing to jump into my craziness and start blaming myself. Maybe this is the wrong assumption to make, but if someone wanted to get to know me, wouldn’t they want to spend time with me? Ask me about my thoughts, experiences, and myself? I thought that’s what you did when you wanted to know someone.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

I went to a different church on Sunday and so many people came to mind throughout my visit. I thought of my Joshua-ites from 2003 as one of the welcome team members spoke about their unbelief in infant baptism. I could hear Heather laughing, Marisa saying something along the lines of her sarcastic, elongated, "suuuurrree." I thought of Sarah screaming the word infant baptism right along with the words she yelled after seeing what the deputies did to her room. I'll censor her for my reader's sake but trust me, it was hilarious. I thought of Wes as I'm sure he'd appreciate this "big C" church but he definitely wouldn't fit in with all the Asians. As much as I thought about all these other people, I also thought about what was being preached and what God had brought me to this church for on that morning. I was afraid I wouldn't fit in (it is a predominantly Korean church) and begged AJ (it's his home church) not to leave me alone in awkward situations. He was great, took care of me, and guess what? The people were nice. I'm semi kidding, I just didn't know what to expect. Since church I've been thinking about how most churches have been so dependent on a format of preaching that includes 3 points, lots of alliteration and irrelevant Internet feel good stories. This wasn't what I got at church on Sunday and it was good to have something different. I also thought about the people I met and the lack of relationships in my own church. That can be another post.

After church we came to my house to put dinner in the crock pot and then headed to Balboa Park for "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." I also really wanted a Christmas tree for my apartment but decided to put gas in my car instead of buying a tree. AJ knew how bummed I was so he surprised me with the tree I wanted and we even decorated it. It's small but mighty and beautiful. I love my tree and looking at it every night. It makes me feel like I really am at home in my apartment.

AJ, thank you for being incredibly thoughtful. I always have fun when I'm with you.

Recent Readings

I've been reading Francis Chan's latest, Forgotten God. I'm almost done with it but I kinda don't want to be. I might just re-read it as soon as I'm done because I'm sure there is so much I'm still missing out on. Every time I pick it up I have a wide range of thoughts and emotions. I'm often convicted and incredibly thankful for the Holy Spirit dwelling IN me. It's had me thinking a lot about the ways I express my creator.

I've recently been bogged down by what I've been calling rejection. Not getting the right job, not being in a committed relationship, not making friends at church, etc. I know there's a lot of fear wrapped up in this and a lot of ungratefulness. I read this last night and started to put things in perspective:

We often choose to face life's issues and circumstances in exactly the same way as someone without the Spirit of God. We worry, strive, and grieve no differently than unbelievers. While it is true that we are humans like everyone else, it is also true that we are humans with the Spirit of God dwelling in us. Yet, whether consciously or not, we essentially say to God, 'I know You raised Christ from the dead; but the fact is my problems are just too much for You and I need to deal with them by myself.

The facts are, I am a born again Christian and I have the Holy Spirit residing in me. He is infinitely great, all powerful, and waiting for me to come to Him with these things that burden me. I've decided instead of complaining to anyone who will listen, I'm going to Him with it. And I invite my brothers and sisters to call me out when I'm not doing this. Help me be a woman of my word :)

My Christmas Wish List

I thought it might be a bratty thing to do, post my list for Santa. I figured it would only be bratty if I asked you to buy me the things on my list. I won't do that...but if you feel so inclined :)

If Santa brought me a Kindle, Wii, or iPhone, I wouldn't be mad. I also love gift cards (itunes, Starbucks, Amazon, Trader Joe's, even Subway). Movie tickets might make me go to the movies more often. For the last few years I've been thinking it would be nice if I had my car detailed. I still think that would be nice. And of course, a new gi or headgear would be fantastic.

I know Santa has also been hit by the recession so I'm not holding my breath. It'll be good to see family and friends and have extra time to train. I'll keep telling myself that.

Happy Birthday Donny Sue

I met Donneta Sue (then Aguilar, now Smallwood) on March 24th, 1980. It was the day she gave birth to me. Today she turned 51 but could easily pass for 40 :) My mom and I have had an up and down relationship but since about 1995 it's been on the up and up. She is a hard working, caring, funny woman and I know she would do anything she could for me. Even though I don't look a whole lot like my mom, I'd like to think I inherited some of her awesomeness. She's never afraid to get on the dance floor and she loves a good corona. My mom speaks with honesty and sincerity and can be counted on by friends and family. Join me in celebrating my mama's birthday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Maya turned 30 this month. We first met during Summer Bridge at UCSD and remained tight throughout the years. Our friendship began like many preschoolers begin theirs; I had never been away from my tiny town of Fillmore and cried as my mom and grandma dropped me off in a new place, far from home. Maya didn't want me to feel sad so she invited me to the dinning hall with her and reassured me that it would be okay. She even taught me how to ride the city buses. In my defense, we can walk from one side of town to the other around Fillmore.

Maya, thank you for always being honest and vulnerable with me. I'm glad I can be an extension of your conscience :) You're my dawg.

It's also Thanksgiving, so here a few things I'm thankful for this year:

*FAMILY*Finishing my Master's (with honors)*Discovering the sport and art of jiu jitsu*FRIENDS*good music*pumpkin flavored treats*sleep*Laughter*my apartment*great co-workers*SCRIPTURE*going to church consistently*journaling a bit more*scrap booking* random TEXT MESSAGES*feeling butterflies in my stomach*following blogs*my car*more confidence to pursue my dreams*my crock pot*ETHAN LEE DRAKE (and his parents, of course)*therapy*Yankees winning the World Series*DISNEYLAND*In-N-Out*trying new foods*So You Think You Can Dance*and soon, being done with my personal statement!

I'm a Champ

This isn't the best picture ever...but look at those trophies. I competed in a Grappling X tournament this weekend here in San Diego. I took first in the no-gi and gi divisions and got my first submission in a tournament. It definitely was a confidence boost and I'm looking forward to more tournaments next year.

Trent's Tribute

Trent turned thirty. TTL2 is not only hilarious (you should watch him at Comedy Sportz), but he's also a very honest, insightful, and challenging friend. We first met at Hume where I think his team schooled my team in Yhatzee and we became friends as we worked in ministry at a church that shall not be named. Some of my favorite moments with Trent have occurred while watching TV (particularly 24. "I have special delivery"), playing games ("Happy New Year! Can I get some freakin' wheat?"), or just driving around Chatsworth (there are lots of cats behind the Denny's on Mason and Devonshire). We don't need a whole lot to entertain us, but it is always fun going to Disneyland with him. He has a huge heart for the Lord and it's obvious in his work with students, passion for Uganda, and in the messages he preaches. It was always fun running youth events or doing camps with him and I miss seeing him on a daily basis. He's probably the only person I would spend an hour on the phone with on a regular basis, that boy can talk. Or it's more like, he finds humor in keeping me on the phone late at night when I'm complaining about how little sleep I'll be getting because of him. Oh, and it's really fun to turn his name into a bad word. Whatever, TRENT. I like his nickname for me and I'm glad I help fulfill his quota of Mexican friends.

Trent, you are a ridiculously awesome man and I'm blessed to call you friend. I'm sorry I wasn't there to accept your pomegranate smoothie.

Tribute to Peter Strong

My friend Peter and I met at Hume Lake when we both moved into the Joshua Wilderness Institute and we've hung around each other ever since. I'm lucky because he's one of the funniest, most genuine guys I've been blessed to have in my life. He got married this weekend to Elena, the love of his life. I'm so glad too, she's absolutely perfect for him.

Here's one of my favorite Peter Strong stories:

It was a cold, snowy, Hume Lake grunting day. Grunting days were horrible in the winter because we had to walk up and down the Joshua "hell" hill (as Heather Nunn named it) and it got so icy. Peter was done with his assignment down the hill and was trying to get a hold of someone at the building. He called what he thought was the Joshua building but it was really Todd, the video guy's house. Todd's wife's name is Eliza and when she answered the phone, Peter thought she said, "Alyssa." Peter then said to Eliza, "Listen woman, get someone to come down here and pick me up...NOW!" She had no idea who was on the phone but Peter soon realized he wasn't talking to the person he thought he was. Being the nice guy he is, he apologized and explained he thought he was calling the Joshua building. When he finally trekked back up to the building his face wasn't just red from the cold, he was so embarrassed for harassing a staff member's wife. Oh, classic Peter.

My Champions

For, in the baseball world, that’s what the Yankees are. They are the nemesis to most, the nuisance to others, the toast of the town and the source of frustration. They may have bought this championship, and they may do it again. The people change and so do the bosses and even the Bosses. The Yankees don’t and won’t come up with some new identity because theirs is so patently obvious.

“I’ll put it in perspective,” Jeter said. “Read that sign right there.”

Champions, it said. Now and forever. (Read the full article here)

It's November...

I feel like a crazy person this week. I keep misplacing or losing things, feeling irritated and unmotivated. I've asked myself, "What the heck am I doing? Thinking? Feeling?" a lot lately. I miss CBB. I miss having a place where I could be Alyssa and have someone genuinely listen to me. I miss JWI and those feelings of being inspired. I feel like I'm aiming too high right now. How the heck does someone do that? I guess I'm just totally unsure about this doctorate thing and feel pressured to produce a magical personal statement that will convince some admissions people and professors that I'm worthy of their time and resources. Maybe that's it...I feel like I'm always having to prove myself. It's my craziness, I know this. Today I'm super thankful I have a Father in heaven who loves me. I'm thankful I have a savior who doesn't require me to prove myself. I'm thankful I have the Holy Spirit to nudge me along the rough path. Today I'm super thankful for the body of believers and for the new people that have been placed in my life.

Happy Halloween

I should've done this for Halloween.

SD Debut

I know I dropped a bomb on some of you (okay, Marisa at least) when I said there was no more gym crush. Now there's no more tournament. I knew I had two weddings in November but thought they were in the middle of month, turns out they're at the beginning. Oh well, the SD debut will just have to be postponed.

On another note: God is good and even though I feel like there are a lot of things that could be stressing me out right now, I'm at ease with a lot of ambiguity in my life. And for me, that's a huge growth spurt.

Quick thoughts

I've been encouraged by people in my life seeking me out to talk to me. I've also been drained by the weight of their stories, problems, and issues. I'm glad I'm feeling good enough for some bjj work outs because it really is a place to release some of the tension I've been feeling.

I'm competing on November 7th. Yeah, that's coming up quick. My coach just told me about the tournament and it's in San Diego, I'm excited to possibly have some friends watch me fight.

My gym crush came back yesterday. He's been gone for a couple of months and I was fine with that. I admit I did miss our hours of phone conversations, it's nice to feel like someone likes talking with you. Anyway...he called me last night and we talked for a while. This time our conversation made me feel depressed. Just thought you should know, I no longer have a gym crush.

Back to the Bronx

They just couldn't finish it yesterday. So now my Yankees are heading back to the Bronx and I'm hoping they finish the Angels off tomorrow.

I've been working on my personal statement for NYU. It's been rough but good at the same time. I'm definitely thinking a lot about potential research I would love to complete.

My Barnes and Nobel box came and now I have even more books to read. I just started CS Lewis' A Grief Observed. Seems fitting right now, 3 of my coworkers have lost significant people in their lives in the last 3 weeks.

Secret Wishes

I posted about my secret wish to stay at the Career Center for a while longer yesterday and today they asked me to extend my stay until the end of the quarter. This is fantastic news, now I have work through December. I was starting to think I was going to have to leave San Diego soon but it looks like that's not happening. Now my secret wish is to stay temping until the fall of 2010 and then go to a full time doctorate program. I know that won't be answered tomorrow but I'll put it out there.

The Heart That Holds On

Let's see...another month passes and I've been pretty slacking on the blog. I wish I could just take snapshots of what I've been doing over the last few weeks because I feel like pictures would be way more entertaining than what I share with words.

Work: I've been temping at the Career Center and it's been awesome. It was only a 6 week appointment but turned into 11. I'm secretly hoping I get renewed again because I really do love it there. Not the work so much, that part is pretty boring, but the people I'm around are great. I sit at the front desk with AJ, I wish you all could meet him because he makes my day so much brighter. He's a Christian and very eager in his faith which always leads to great conversations. Plus, he thinks I'm hilarious and I always like people who think I'm funny.

Health: I was sick with a cough for THREE weeks and finally gave in and went to urgent care. Being a temp doesn't come with any benefits so I tried to avoid the medical expense. Luckily I have a mom and step dad who don't want me to suffer and they convinced me to see the doctor. I'm done with that nasty cough but it left me drained and I think it flared my lupus. I've been able to get some sleep on weekends and am finally starting to feel my strength come back but my joints are still swollen and sore.

Family: I had to go home last weekend for some family events, my cousin Shane is getting married and there was a wedding shower to attend. I had so much fun with my mom and I'm so thankful for the restoration of our relationship, I know it's only because I gave my life to the Lord that our relationship was saved. JD (my 15 year old brother) has been this spark plug in my family lately, getting them back into church and really stepping up to claim his relationship with Jesus as his own. It's so encouraging and humbling to see. My step dad told me it was because I've been a faithful example and although it was supposed to be a compliment, I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't good enough. While we were in church the band played a Matt Redman song that sings of a theme in my life and I cried my eyes out. One part of the song says, "I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on" and I'm clutching to the truth that the Lord will return and deliver me from the trials I face here. I've been spending a lot more time in the word and in prayer and even though I'm still struggling, I feel a little more hopeful everyday. God's also been showing me that He has way more grace for me than I have for myself. I've realized in the last year just how much I beat myself up. I know it's not edifying to me and it's not glorifying to God, something I'm working on.

Jiu jitsu: Being sick for 3 weeks limited my workouts. I have been able to train with an 8th degree black belt a few weeks ago and this past weekend I trained with Bill Cooper, a 22 time Grappler's Quest Champion...and he's only 22 years old. It was cool to meet some new people in the bjj community and improve my game. I'm not sure when I'll be able to compete again, it looks like December is the next tournament. I just hope I have a full time, permanent position by then and then I'll be able to afford to compete.

Randomness: I'm applying to doctorate programs at the moment. I've decided on 3 schools that I would want to go to should I get in. If nothing happens there I'll probably pick a few more programs for the next year to apply to. I'm working on apps for NYU. University of Oregon, and Rosemead (Biola). Personal statements are tough and asking people for letters of recommendations isn't the easiest thing either. We'll see what happens.

Random Happenings

It's been a while so here is a rundown of life.

I'm temping at UCSD and have loved it. I got the new Jay-Z album and love it. I baked pumpkin scones tonight and loved the one I ate. I wanted to eat them all but showed self-restraint.

I went to a concert this week and saw Taking Back Sunday, Weezer, and Blink 182. Weezer was by far my favorite but Travis Barker is pretty entertaining on the drums.

I got really sick this last week and even spent a whole day in bed. I'm feeling better now but I'm still a little weak and haven't been able to do jiu jitsu at all. I had no energy for boxing either.

I'm on a mission to find the best pumpkin spice latte around. I had one at Peet's tonight and it wasn't good at all. Won't be hard to beat. In case you weren't aware, I love pumpkin.

I'm applying (well, figuring out where to apply) to doctorate programs. So far I've decided I'm definitely applying to Rosemead (at Biola), University of Oregon, NYU, and probably Alliant (in San Diego). I'm also thinking about University of Michigan, Columbia, and maybe a UC. I don't know if I'll get into any of the programs, doctorate programs are EXTREMELY competitive, but so am I. NYU has about 200 applicants and only 4 or 5 are accepted. Yeah, not very good odds :/ But we'll see...

Man Whore

I love baseball and I love Derek Jeter. I've been in love with both of these things for a long time but I have to admit, Jeter is kind of a man whore.

Reasons I'm tough

Luis, Eric, Alyssa, Robbie, Brianna

These are my stepbrothers, my real brother and his fiance. We're hardly ever all together so this was cool to celebrate my dad's birthday together. Luis said he'd hook me and Rob up with tattoos. You can't see from the picture, but he's COVERED in them. If you've ever wondered why I'm so tough, it's because I grew up with these fools trying to pick fights with me.

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

It's 2 am and I want a quesadilla. I thought about a crunchy taco from Taco Bell but I didn't want to wait in the drive thru and I went out tonight and didn't spend money so I thought I'd keep that theme going. Went and saw "Inglorious Basterds" with my gym crush and his friend who I've met a couple of times. I figured it was safe to go since it was me and two dudes and he had showered since we boxed earlier.

I'm heading to Simi Valley for my dad's birthday party in about 10 hours. My camera is broken so unless I get my hands on one in the next day, there will be no pictures of my drunken family. Sorry to disappoint.

If you like The Office

you should read this. Guaranteed a laugh.

Aches & Pains

I think I popped a blood vessel in my wrist. It kinda hurts and is all bruised. The new guy in class kneed me really hard in the nose. Everyone thought it was the mouth but it was definitely the nose. I really shouldn't be doing this without insurance.

No Shame in my Game

I filed for unemployment today. I normally would be embarrassed to say something like that, especially since I have a freshly printed MA on my wall. But times are hard and I can't help that my department ran out of money to pay me. So I'm trying to take advantage of all the social services I've paid into for over 10 years and am hoping I get hooked up with a full time job with benefits soon. I applied to a job I really want and it's here in San Diego so I wouldn't have to move. It's an intense application process but I can endure the heat for this job. I take it as their way of weeding out those who aren't serious about the position.

Before my last day at the old job the boss asked me for my phone number. I "forgot" to give it to her because I know the type of person she is and she would be calling me everyday for every little thing. I've already received at least 3 emails a day from her office asking me about things they could figure out on their own. So I got another email today asking for my phone number and decided I would just call the office and not send it. Too bad I forgot the number pops us...should've blocked it! Doh. Turns out the boss wants to pay me out of her own pocket for the next 2 days. I almost said no because it seriously ruined my plans to work out and lay on the beach reading Harry Potter. But I figured if I didn't take it, I couldn't complain later and complaining is a specialty of mine so I took the offer. It isn't much money but it's only a few hours of work. The beach will have to wait until next week.

Confessions of a gym-aholic

Friday was my last day at work. I was a contract employee in my department and budget cuts have forced my department to not renew my contract. It sucks, not gonna lie. I think the most frustrating part is knowing that I've been actively applying to jobs since April. I'm hoping this unemployment thing is short lived and I can stay in San Diego. If I don't find a job in the next two months I'll have to move back to Fillmore and I don't really want to do that.

So this next week I've decided to get hard core with my workouts and strict with my diet. I've been at almost the same weight for the last 5 months and although it looks like I've lost weight, I've only really lost inches. I'm okay with inches, at least I haven't gained. But I was thinking now that I have some free time I'm going to work really hard to cut weight for my next tournament. It's seems almost impossible but I'm going to try and see what happens. At least I'll have something to focus on and not just mope around the house feeling sorry for myself.

Today I worked on my tan and spent almost 8 hours at the beach. It was nice out and I played a lot of volleyball. I went with people from my gym and from another gym here in San Diego. I've been hanging out with people from my gym a lot more and I've had mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I think the things they talk about are stupid. I'm not impressed by how drunk they can get and how many bars they get thrown out of. But most of the guys are impressed by these stories, so I'm thinking I'll just make mine up. I actually do have a gym crush and he's not the kind of guy I would ever think about being with but I know I impress him with my boxing skills. I have enough guts to go head to head with him and enjoy it. Yeah, sounds like we'd have a jacked up relationship. For now he'll remain my gym crush and not know anything about my secret name for him, but we have been spending time together outside the gym and he calls me a lot. Is it still a crush when you talk on the phone for 4 hours?

Saturday in SD

Today I got a sunburn and my MA diploma. It was a good day.

I Know I'm Not Alone

I've felt pretty alone the last few weeks. It's been tough looking for a job and I keep hearing, "you aren't the only one" but that doesn't bring me any comfort. I'm trying to be thankful for the next 2 weeks of work that I do have but I hate coming to work and sitting in front of a computer all day. The professor I'm working for right now might have something I'm interested in but she won't know until she hears about her funding. Right now funding across education sucks, I'm sure you know that.

I have a big window in my living room that has a great view. I've been getting up early, sitting on my couch, looking out the window, and praying I would trust God. That's all my prayer has consisted of because I know if I can get that down, everything else will be okay. The last few mornings I've just been driven to tears but then I think about how lucky I am to be His child. It's still hard and scary and I'm still getting caught up in the worrying of not having money, but I'm celebrating the fact I'm going to my heavenly father instead of allowing my self to get stuck in this yucky place.

Jiu Jitsu has been amazing for me. Helps keep me busy and my coaches and training partners are awesome. I feel like I have a family there and get support and encouragement. I'm fighting on August 9th in Long Beach. If any of you are in the area, please come. I'm nervous about having people watch, especially since my training has been toned down due to a knee injury. Robbie (my brother) is fighting in the morning and I'm fighting in the afternoon. This will be my first competition in my gi (traditional Brazilian Jiu Jistu) and it's double elimination so I'll have at least 4 fights (gi and no-gi). I think it's $10 to get in and there is a martial arts festival along with it. That probably means free junk :)

Another Weekend in Vegas

I just realized I haven't written about my last weekend in Vegas. It was a fun and exciting weekend and I had some good, very tough fights. I fought some beastly women (if you think I'm a beast, I'm nothing compared to one of the ladies), unfortunately my camera was broken so I'll have to get pictures from a teammate. I ended up taking 3rd in my division and standing on the podium to get my medal felt awesome. Competing is definitely motivation to train harder and get better. I've been working out about 2 hours a night, 5 days a week and now that I'm working on my weight training and diet I've been dropping weight pretty consistently. It's a good feeling for sure. My coach texted me today telling me she wants me to compete in a few weeks in a tournament in Long Beach. I don't know if it will happen since my brother is fighting the same weekend but we might actually be going to the same place. Still trying to figure it out, but if it happens I'll post about it so you can actually see me in action. Having people there might actually help me fight harder too. I'm hoping to post a video of one of my fights, stay tuned.

The Americana

I tapped out multiple people with this move tonight. Dang it feels good to be a gangsta. Now, let's hope I can pull off some submissions this weekend.

Evidence I'm a Nerd

When I was in elementary school I would request additional homework. When the teacher said to do only the odds or only the evens, I still did all of the problems. After the school year was over and the teachers had done some summer cleaning, I would dumpster dive at the school. I would hunt for worksheets, assignments, anything to keep me busy with school for the six weeks of summer (we were on a year around schedule). I know I’m a nerd. I was just reminded of this today when a professor brought in these textbooks she was getting rid of. I looked through them and then I did it…I took two of them. She said it was okay, but I felt like a nerd. At least now I have some reading on Adolescent Psychology and Development and a book about Human Intimacy and Family Relationships. The overachieving habit has helped get me a master’s degree; I’m hoping my new reading helps me get a job and a husband.

I'm a winner

I check this give away blog almost everyday. They're based out of Utah, but that doesn't stop me from entering for the drawings :) I finally came out victorious and won a great scrapbooking package. There isn't a whole lot for guys, sorry. But here's an idea for you guys out there: craigslist that junk! Or use it to woo ladies (if you're in need of a lady).

Triangle Chokes

I was talking to a friend this weekend who was interested in my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) training but had no idea what it was. I posted a picture of an arm bar submission yesterday and while reading through my blog list today I found this picture. The guy on the bottom is attempting a submission via triangle choke. Basically you use your legs and their arm to cut off air and blood flow. Awesome, I know. I just learned this submission about a week ago and have already used it a few times. It could become my favorite move.

Good laughs & good fights.

Ross Pearson pulls off an arm bar submission. Yep, I know how to do this too.

This is Ross Pearson, the newest member of the UFC. I've been rooting for him as he fought his way through this last season of "The Ultimate Fighter" and was glad to see him pull out the win over Andre Winner.

I've been missing my family a whole lot and realized I haven't been home since March, so I decided to visit over the weekend. I headed out to Long Beach and dropped in on the McWatters family for a bit. It was nice to see them and their hilarious kids, I'm glad they live much closer now. The drive from Long Beach to LA was horrible but I made it to Fillmore in time for dinner and satisfied my craving for Margaret's Cocina. Saturday we had a BBQ and what was supposed to be a "graduation party" turned out to an awkward interaction with friends and family. It wasn't bad, just, well, awkward. It did remind me of how much I love my brothers though, they crack me up. Later that night Robbie, JD, Brianna (Rob's fiance), and I watched the TUF finale and some really good fights. I was excited to see more jiu jitsu mixed in with the boxing, making for more technical fighting. I slept in on Sunday, paid a visit to my dad and then went to Comedy Sportz. It felt a little weird being there without my other friends in the audience, like I was a creepy groupie or something. Luckily Andrew befriended me and I didn't feel like a dork during the break all alone. Here's a funny conversation we had after the show, it went something like this:

Trent: You guys decide where we're going. I'm gonna change [He leaves].
Me: Do you have anywhere in particular you want to go?
Andrew: Somewhere I don't have to pay for parking [he talks about parking a bit more]. I had Wahoos today for the first time. Ever been there?
Me: No, I hear they have good tacos.
Andrew: I had a burrito. I wasn't impressed.
Me: I have Mexican food in my trunk, we can just eat there.
Andrew: [looks at me and smiles] Wait, are you serious? Or is that some type of stereotype because you're Mexican?
Me: No, I really have Mexican food in my trunk.
Andrew: Oh, because I thought you were messing around with me. Why do you have Mexican food in your trunk?

We ended up at The Waffle and I had a $7 root beer float. Not impressed...again. I got into San Diego at about 1 am and fell right to sleep. I'm not too tired today but my boss comes back from vacation tomorrow and I know by the end of the week I'll be exhausted.

Friday Morning Conversation

I've been doing skills testing all week on candidates for the Coordinator position. Some have been late, completely odd, and unprofessional, but some have been nice and capable. Today’s candidate, while trying to sound encouraging and chipper, completely rubbed me the wrong way. Here’s how our conversation went:

Her: So, how many people did you call for this job?
Me: A group. I have to admit I was a little surprised by the number of people still looking for a job since applying in March.
Her: Yeah, but the market is starting to pick up. This last month has finally started moving for me.
Me: That’s great to hear. I was starting to get a bit worried since I’m leaving here in August.
Her: Oh, would I be filling your position?
Me: Yeah. I was a student employee but they hired me on as a temp for the summer.
Her: That’s great. Will you go back to being a state student in the fall?
Me: No, I just graduated. I’m looking for jobs now too so it’s nice to hear you’re getting interviews.
Her: Well, congratulations. I’m sure you’ll have a much easier time. People like to hire new graduates because they come out eager and fresh. They like helping people start their careers.
Me: Yeah, well, I was a graduate student here. I just finished my masters so I’m pretty sure I know what I want to do and what they should give me to do it.
Her: Oh. You aren’t new then [fake smile].
Me: Well, here are your tests. You have an hour and a half.
Me [in my head]: Thanks for thinking I look young. By the way, you’re a total brat.

Mid-Week Update

I’ve been sitting in the office for the last week, bored out of my mind. We’re doing skills testing on the candidates for the position I’m currently in and I’m glad they decided to do these tests because some of these applicants either lied or really think they have skills they don’t. Maybe I’m too critical and a perfectionist, but I would never show up 30 minutes late and not follow instructions when trying to get a job. One of the applicants asked me yesterday why I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to tell her it was because I’m bored every day, am tired of answering phones and pushing papers across my desk. Not that this type of work isn’t necessary, I just don’t want to be the one to do it anymore. I just told her I was training to become a cage fighter.

I need to decide if I’m competing in Vegas next month. Last tournament I just “jumped into the fire” as my coach put it. But this time she’s asking me to kick up the training and I’m thinking, “I already train 5 days a week!” I don’t know if my body can handle anymore, the lupus is starting to flare. I definitely want to compete because 1. It’s taking place at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center where UFC 100 will also take place, 2. UFC 100 is that weekend and Vegas will be busy, 3. I’ll probably have to stop training in August when my contract with the gym is up and I’m unemployed. I don’t want to go because I don’t really have the money and I already have concert tickets to see Ray LaMontagne and Jenny Lewis at the Hollywood Bowl that weekend.

I’m headed to Fillmore this weekend for a graduation party my Granny is hosting for me. I secretly just want my family members to give me money but I won’t hold my breath for that. I’m hoping to get out of the office early on Friday so I can make a stop in Long Beach to see the new McW pad.

Job update: still sucky

The job hunt stinks. I’ve broadened my search circle to include everything between San Diego and Santa Barbara but I really don’t want to go outside of that circle. I keep thinking about school next year (fall 10) and how I am considering a program in Oregon, but I don’t know if I could be that far from my family. A friend suggested international counseling and while it sounds like an adventure, I’m wondering if I’m really just ready to plant roots somewhere. Thinking about moving makes me tired and having to make new friends sounds difficult. Today I’m just wishing I knew what was coming and when it was going to happen.

The Sleepless Hangover Weekend

Inappropriate and hilarious. Just the way I like it.

I had a great weekend.  It was tiring and not extra ordinary but so refreshing at the same time.  I headed to Long Beach on Friday to catch the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) World Championships at CSULB.  A teammate was competing in the juvenile division and we were all pretty sure she would win.  She's only 17 and now the BJJ Female Juvenile Lightweight World Champion.  I couldn't think of a young lady more deserving either.  Liz is one of the sweetest high school girls I've ever met and she trains so hard.  She has 8 brothers and sisters and the entire family (excluding mom) trains in BJJ.  They're definitely a huge part of what makes my gym so great.  She's already a stick figure and cut 12 pounds for this competition so we celebrated by digging into chocolate cake right after her fight.  It was funny to watch people looking at her as she walked around with an entire cake and fork in her hands.  

After watching a few additional fights I cruised over to First Baptist Lakewood where my friend Trent is the Middle School Pastor.  They were having a grad night all nighter and I willingly volunteered to stay up for over 26 hours.  I haven't been around middle school ministry for a few years now.  Actually, I haven't been around a whole lot of ministry in a few years.  Since leaving RP I haven't been too plugged in at any church and only recently decided to make Rock Church my church here in SD.  It was tiring and there were little tiffs after 4 am when kids were exhausted, but it was refreshing to be around.  I got to talk with one 8th grader who heard the Gospel and decided she wanted salvation.  It was a great reminder of my purpose, my gifts, and what I really love doing.  

After a few hours of sleep I had the chance to hang in Long Beach and just enjoy being with my friend.  I admit, moving to Long Beach seems like such a great alternative for me right now.  I haven't been to the movies is a long time, I can't even remember what I last saw in the theater.  I had the chance to see The Hangover and all I really knew was that Robbie really wants to see it.  I knew it would probably be inappropriate if Robbie was that eager to see it, but I figured it would also be funny.  It didn't disappoint either.  With only a few uncomfortable shots, I laughed through the movie and would see it again with the right group of people.  

My sleep schedule is way off now but it was all worth it.  I valued every moment in the LBC.  

I've been training in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for a few months now and have even been to Vegas to compete in a tournament.  I'm considering another fight in July but it's a really big deal because it's tied to UFC 100.  It would be pretty cool to fight in that atmosphere but honestly, I get so nervous even going to the dojo to train.  I don't know what it is but I get butterflies in my stomach and a shortness of breath.  I thought that's what happened when you fell in love.  Maybe I've found my love :)  Kidding.  But I have come to love my teammates and my gym family.  They've been an encouragement and huge support to me in the last few months.  Plus, I get to train with the best female grappler in the world.  How about that!?  I didn't just join a gym, I stumbled into training with the best.  Just watch the beginning of this video to hear how bad ass my coach is.  

P.S. I'm not gonna lie, there are perks to belonging to the #1 womens team 3 years in a row (even though I've been a member for a few months).  This guy at the fight shop asked me where I trained and when I told him he struck up a conversation about worlds and I got 5% off my purchase.  It also helps because he was cute :)

I'm a Master

Left to Right: Jasmine, Alyssa, Krystle, Jose V.

Graduation was great.  I had to wake up early to get to campus at 7:15 am and I nearly thought my grandma was going to make me late.  It all worked out though, I've learned from CBB not to worry too much about time schedules and deadlines :)  The first ceremony was grad and undergrad students and that took a long time but I had fun sitting next to Mel and Aaron and chatting it up with Caz about UFC 98 the night before.  Walking across the stage and having them put the master's hood on was cool, I only wish more friends could've been there.  The second ceremony was more intimate and CBB was the rowdy bunch.  It was great to be with my cohort and faculty members one last time.  I was also grateful for my family and how proud they were of me.  I was selected as one of the speakers to represent CBB and although speech writing was frustrating, I think it turned out okay.  I heard from a few people that I'm a natural public speaker.  I had lunch with Maya and my family downtown and that was funny to see all the small town Fillmore folks surrounded by so many people and such big buildings.  My family left that afternoon but Robbie and Brianna stayed to spend a little more time with me.  I'm glad they did, I would've felt incredibly lonely if not for them.  We mostly hung around North Park, had good Mexican food and did some boxing and Robbie did jiu jitsu.  I think that's the only reason he really stayed behind, he wanted to hang out at the dojo.  I know he's jealous I get to learn BJJ from an actual black belt in a legit gym.  

I took today off and wanted to take the entire week off but the professor wasn't up for that.  I hate my job and I realize I say that often but I have anxiety attacks when I think about having to go to work there.  I know I need another job but it's been tough searching.  I've applied to many jobs in the San Diego area but I keep getting rejected and so I've broadened my search to the Long Beach and Ventura county areas.  I think they'd be nice places to live and work, not too far from Disneyland and closer to my family.  I miss them a lot already.

P.S. I'll post more grad pictures but my camera broke that morning and so I'm depending on others to share :)  Maya was kind enough to be my picture taker during the second ceremony. 

I'm an official grappler

It's blurry but you get the idea. 

I went to Vegas this last weekend to compete in Grappler's Quest.  I guess since I've competed in a tournament I can say I'm an official grappler.  It was a great learning experience and my coaches were right, it's playing over and over in my head and I'm seeing what I did wrong, where I could improve, what I did right and how I can change things up for the next tournament.  Wait, did I just say the next tournament?  I guess I enjoyed the experience a whole lot despite nerves that didn't let me eat for two days and sent me to the bathroom every five minutes.  Was that TMI?  My schedule is starting to lighten up so that means I have more time for training but we'll see what happens.  I have to remind myself I'm not in my early 20s anymore, even though I'm in way better shape now than I was then.  

In other news, I'm graduating in 10 days and I have one more paper to turn in.  It's so close to being done but it's been hard to tie up the loose ends in it.  I've been staring at it for the last hour and that's why I'm blogging now :)  

4 Week Sprint

Some of my CBB cohort members. L-R: Vinh, Ricardo, Krystle, Joe, America, Jasmine, Alicia, Me, Maria, Mel, Sany, Jose, Caz

I talk a lot about these folks.  They've been all up in my business this last year and I know all their crap as well.  I've come to understand more about myself through my work with them and made friendships I never expected.  CBB is coming to an end and like most endings, it's bittersweet.  I have a ton of work to get done this weekend and I really don't know how it will all get done if I sleep at all this weekend, but then again, it's CBB and we can do pretty much what we want.  Hopefully that includes extensions on papers.  

I like when my friends write about me

http://www.mcwatterblogged.com/blog/2009/4/10/alyssa.html

Last few weeks

I've been swamped with school the last few weeks.  A few more projects and I'll be done.  It's exciting and scary.  Finding a job is a lot of work.  Anyway, I have taken a little time to do some fun things.  

It's baseball season!  My favorite time of the year (besides Christmas).  Hanna, Maria and I cheered on the Dodgers here in San Diego as they took on the Padres. 

Marisela has a huge heart for children with special needs.  I joined her and her family for the Race for Autism in Balboa Park.  Isn't Ethan freaking adorable!?

Robbie has followed in my footsteps and taken on MMA.  Kidding, I think it was the other way around.  Anyway, he had his first fight last weekend and did pretty well.  It made me think I might want to compete in a tournament in a few months.  I need to work on getting health insurance first.  

Calling Current College Students

I admit, I'm a little behind on my research project. If you're a current college student, please fill out my survey. If you know a current student, direct them to my page and ask them to fill out my survey.

Thanks!

Click Here to take survey

A week being 29

Well, it hasn't been a week yet.  Close enough.  I think I've been sore everyday since my birthday.  Could it be my age?  I think it's more of the training I'm doing.  Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes.  My birthday itself was alright.  I went to Disneyland and remembered how much I hate having a birthday during spring break.  But I did get to ride Tower of Terror twice and once with Dana, who was a newbie to Disney California.  

When I was younger my parents threw me good birthday parties.  For the first ten years of life or so, birthdays were a fun thing.  Now I don't really look forward to them.  Not because I'm getting older and la la la but because since ten, I don't remember having a good birthday.  Let's see, 13...nobody showed up to my party. 16...dad forgot and I was stuck in a car crossing the border all day with him.  18...uh, some pizza with friends but no big deal.  21...dinner with my family.  

I've been pretty lazy with school work so the next month is going to pound me.  I'm almost done!  Graduation is in May!  I was just invited to be inducted into Phi Kappa Phi, the National Honor Society (my mom thought I was joining a sorority).  I guess that's cool (the honor society, not the sorority).  By the way, I do a lot of minimizing in my life.  

I've been needing a lot of alone time.  I've been really torn with my CBB community.  I love them but I've been hurt by some of them a lot lately.  The whole Christians hate gays mentality has kept me from expressing my views because sometimes it doesn't seem worth the breath.  I mean, would they openly listen to my thoughts?  From what I've seen, I doubt it.  It makes me sad too because some of these people have become so close to me and yet I can't share "Christian Alyssa" with them.  I know, this probably sounds bad.

I've had people trying to boss me around a lot too.  Telling me what to do, how to do it.  I'm a grown woman...thanks for your input but I'll just stay over here in my own world.  Wow, now I'm sounding angry.  Good thing I see my therapist tomorrow.  

Happy Birthday Danny

Today is Danny's birthday and tomorrow is mine.  We've known each other for 29 years!

Same Ol' G

This is Don Francisco.  We used to visit him and his wife, Dona Cuca in Mexico.  I'm a gangsta in my ET shirt.  

Me and Danny

I thought it was time for another picture.  I met a Danny tonight who was really cool.  It made me think of the Danny's in my life.  Pretty good guys for the most part.  This is Danny Nunez and he was my best friend growing up.  His birthday is exactly one year and one day before mine.  His mom and my mom were best friends growing up and we still see one another every once in a while.  He has three kids now.  How time flies.  

Angry Face

I tried to call the guy who hit my car because his insurance has denied him coverage.  Now I have to try and get almost $600 out of him and there's a slight problem.  His phone number doesn't work and I don't know about going to the address he gave me.  Any suggestions?  I'm thinking I might know enough jiu jitsu to knock on his door, but that could be dangerous.  I think today I'm making the same face as I was in this picture.  I'm mad, sad, and Robbie isn't here to put his arm around me. 

Naked

I still love me some Oreo cookies.

My first day of life

I'm working on a development project for a class and got a bunch of old pictures from my dad this weekend.  I had never seen a picture of me as a newborn before.  Damn, I'm cute. 

I'm Rolling

I was rolling on Thursday in my grappling class and had my first mat injury.  I was in the mount position (on top of the other person), was trying to keep that position and was using my left leg for leverage.  Can you picture it?   The person underneath moved so I moved with her but my toenail didn't move.  In fact, I heard it tear away from the flesh under the nail and it was hanging there.  The girl under me was more disgusted and the couple next to us stopped rolling to see what was going on.  I ran to the bathroom, cleaned it, taped it up and lucky for me class was over.  I couldn't put a shoe on for 4 days and I missed my softball double header that night.  I was bummed.  While I was watching the UFC fights this weekend in Fillmore one guy looked at my toe and asked what happened.  I said I lost it on the mat.  The other guys were pretty impressed but this smart alec asked if the mat bit me.  I have street cred now.  

I started a new job.  Hate it.  I don't want to work.  Ever.  

My neighbor came over and said her doctor told her to give up drinking so she wanted to donate the booze in her house to my cause.  I said okay, seeing that I entertain every once in a while (even if Katie makes me drink sangria alone).  She came over with a LOT of alcohol.  I told classmates the story and said I didn't know what to do with it.  They said, "Invite us over!"  

Uh, that's about it for now.  I'm sleepy.

What a D-Bag!

I've followed this season of The Bachelor from the beginning.  I've never done it before, but I liked Jason and thought he would be a good guy to watch.  He was.  Until the after show.  What a douche, that's all I have to say.  Check out the hard time Jimmy Kimmel gives him.  

How I Play Softball Part 2

My leg, 3 days later. It's massive. 

How I Play Softball

My leg, an hour after the game. 

Don't Let Robbie Cut Your Hair

JD asked Robbie to cut his hair. The clippers eventually "fell" off and JD ended up bald.

Damaged

This is what $3000 in damage looks like after someone ran their stop sign and right into me.

The Way I See it #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." Anne Morriss

Reading the Starbucks cups has become a favorite past time of mine. I haven't been to coffee in a while and a good friend offered to buy and I don't say no to free macchiatos. Anyway, this cup had me thinking about a couple of situations in my life and particular people. It also made me think about my walk with God lately. I haven't been going to a church. Mostly because I like to waste my time. Also because I have no friends that go to church in the area and I'm tired of feeling so alone when I go places. But you know, maybe I should stop making excuses and find a church I like. And be committed to it. Because we all commit to things, I've just been committed to myself and life isn't worth living like that.

Last night I woke up a couple of times. I don't usually sleep through the night, waking up with some random pain, needing to use the bathroom, or just slight noises can wake me. But last night was scary because I woke up out of fear. I had a dream (and have been having depressing dreams lately) that made me wake up with this heavy, dark feeling around me. It reminded me of a few years back when I was going through big time spiritual warfare and I hated it. I immediately started praying and hoping I would fall back asleep. It took about 2 hours to finally feel peaceful and now I'm a bit afraid of what will happen tonight. You can pray for me.

"You're a Beast!"

I don't think girls really like to be called beastly. Today I was thinking maybe I should just embrace the beast-like tendencies I have. Last week in class we looked at different scales of gender, sexuality, gender identity, and gender expression. To me, the gender part seemed pretty clear but I guess it always isn't. The other areas were a bit hard to look at. I've realized a lot of the social constructs that play into my identity and expression and while I am, feel and express myself as a woman, I am somewhat of a tomboy. I've always done the things the boys do. This is partly because I grew up with brothers, nearly all boy cousins, and had to play baseball with the boys from the time I was 5 until I went to high school. Sometimes I'm proud of my strength (have you done a complete 26.2 marathon or leg press 270 pounds?) and other times I'm embarrassed (I've been told have the perfect shoulders to be a line backer) but I've found a few new hobbies. I'm doing this with women but they're definitely male dominated sports, boxing and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I'm mostly looking forward to being able to defend myself against my brothers, although Robbie knows a lot of submissions already. In a weird way it's also making me very comfortable with my body and with others.

The Way I See It #141

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, 'Hi.' They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word." -Augusten Burroughs

I'm sure you've seen these on the Starbucks coffee cups. I got this cup last Saturday. Vinh, Maria and I were headed to Aaron's and stopped to get coffee and as I read the cup I thought about the upcoming week. This was going to be an intense week, full of me putting myself out there in new ways and with new people.

I had told myself I was going to go to church but I hadn't decided where I was going to go, so I was guessing I probably wasn't going to actually do it. I've had a lot of excuses for not going to church. After a conversation with a friend who served in missions for a time, I realized he was telling me the hard truth. Churches will disappoint and people will fail you but God is constant and good and wants me to be in a relationship with Him and His people. So I went to a new church and it was difficult. I wanted to immediately turn around and leave. I felt completely alone in this crowded room. I sat with that feeling and didn't really like the music but once the pastor started to teach, I was digging it. He taught with such conviction, passion and honesty. I loved it. After the teaching the music started again and they played this song that I know only through Everybody Duck, which brought back a lot of memories. So, church was good and bad and I'll go back Sunday because it was the first message in a new series and I'm interested in hearing what else is coming through the teaching.

Monday my client didn't show and I was bummed, but it allowed us more time to "do work" as it's called in the CBB circle. My supervisor has really challenged me to look at why I won't dare touch the subject of intimacy, sexuality, sex and relationships. I haven't told him why I don't want to work on it but I know he knows. It would be some really hard work. I brought it up on Monday night and the conversation went in a completely different direction then I thought it would and I didn't really get any work done. But I did come away with wondering why these issues are largely addressed in the church when it pertains to marriage. Why don't we have more open and honest conversations about these things? I still have a lot of work to do.

I was in an accident on Wednesday and this has thrown my entire week out of whack. It's getting worked out and it was the other guy's fault but insurance companies are a pain in the ass.

I haven't had a date in like 6 years. It's a little sad sometimes...other times I'm extremely grateful I only have to deal with my crap. But Thursday night I had 30 dates and it was a blast. I went speed dating. One guy asked me why I would choose this speed dating thing. I told him because I had multiple personalities and thought this would be the easiest thing for me. He laughed and I didn't care if he thought I was crazy. Then I told him I really was just curious about the whole thing and he said the same was true for him. So, I met a lot of interesting guys and some that I would go on a real date with but we'll see what happens. So there I am, putting myself out there a little more.

There is a lot more going on with me but since this has turned into a novel, I'll leave it at this.

P.S. I've begun my training for the San Diego Marathon and I'm possibly beginning Ju Jitsu classes. Ultimate Fighter, here I come. I actually just want to be able to defend myself around my brothers.

Tracks that played while writing: Single Ladies, Beyonce; Witness Blues, A.A. Bondy; She Moves in Her Own Way, The Kooks; La Vie Boheme, Rent; When the World Stops Turning, Matt Pryor; Get Back, Ludacris; You and Me, Lifehouse; 99 Problems, Jay Z; Must be Nice, Lyfe Jennings; Necessito, Some Girls