MIA

I'm sure you've been dying for a post lately. I've tried to post but blogger wouldn't let me, kept giving me errors and I didn't have the patience to try and work it out. School has consumed most of my time, I'm sure that's what you expected to see me write. I'm almost done though and I'm looking forward to visiting Fillmore, San Diego, Seattle...and where ever else I decide to get in my car and drive to. Probably Reedley, maybe Morgan Hill?

I'm ready for a break but school has been great. I decided to apply for a Navy scholarship. Not sure how that'll work out. Part of me gets excited thinking about it, part of me hopes I get rejected and don't have to make that decision about joining the military.

Church has been awesome. School and church combined have been helping me grow in tremendous ways. I'm grateful for the insights I've been given and the challenging encouragement I've received. It's been fun to make new friends and feel more comfortable at school.

Tonight our cohort is having our own Christmas party. I'm excited to debut my ugly Christmas sweater and hopefully score a treasure in our white elephant gift exchange. 2 finals left & I'm free for a few weeks!!!

It's just right

Rosemead '15

I should be writing about Mahler's Stages of Development. I'm obviously procrastinating. Doing the reading to write this paper though has freaked me out about ever even thinking about becoming a parent and has helped explain some of my neurosis. I guess we're all bound to be a little bit crazy.

This week has been redeeming for me and my confidence. I needed some encouragement with school and it came on Monday and Tuesday after doing pretty well on exams. I'm not thinking I'll fail out of my first semester after all :) I did have a professor call me out on how hard I am on myself. He doesn't even know me well and yet could pin in down in 5 minutes of talking to him. Yeah, I don't hide that well. My mom says I don't hide any of my emotions well. I'd like to disagree but maybe she's right.

I went to a taping of The Price is Right with some of my cohort members on Wednesday. I'm not at liberty to say what happened, but the show airs on December 9th. I had fun with them and am really thankful for such fun-loving classmates. I feel my guard coming down around them more and more everyday. I'm glad too, I want a genuine friendship with them. On our way to the CBS studios we saw some of the cast of Modern Family walking into a restaurant to tape. It was so fun just to catch a glimpse of Jay, Manny, and Cam.

I've been helping out with the college group, 1825, at my new church in Long Beach. It's been so fun getting to know students and staff better. This last week was super special. I just feel grateful to be serving alongside awesome people and for the opportunity to see how God is moving in the lives of students and even in myself. It's a nice change from the last 2 years of wandering and feeling disconnected. Lately just thinking about this makes me cry. God is good.

School on the Brain

This week I have a stats exam, a paper due, sessions to watch and comment on, a client to see and prep for next week. When I'll have an IQ test to administer, a client to see, another tape to watch, another exam, paper, and on and on. I'm stressed, mostly because I doubt myself. I don't think I'm very smart and I'm often scared I can't pull this doctorate thing off. But the stress isn't good. My hair falls out, my body aches, my eyes dry up, I require more sleep and the lupus is in full effect. My mom talks to me like she wants me to quit. Last week I wanted to. Last week I really wanted to. It only took 6 weeks for me to feel this way and I still have 4 3/4 years to go. I was talking to a 5th year this weekend who gave me some encouraging words. I think part of it is I feel disconnected from my cohort. It's hard jumping in and seeing clients during the first semester. Sometimes I wish I would've just stuck with the cohort but sometimes I think maybe I can do this in 4 years. School is the only thing on the brain.

Successful Surgery

My mom and I had a great week together. Well, at least I enjoyed her waiting on my every need. She would help me get in and out of bed, get me food, water, drugs. My mom is the best. Our stay in San Diego wasn't that great. The first hotel room we were assigned to was dirty and I quickly got on the phone and let them know this wasn't cool. We got another room and a discount and I guess that was good enough to keep us.

Monday morning I wasn't nervous at all, I truly could feel the prayers of protection around me. The last thing I remember before surgery was going into the operating room, looking at the lights, moving to the table and then it was lights out. After waking in the recovery room I could move my mouth enough to say water, and after falling back asleep I once again woke up for juice boxes and graham crackers. Yes, I did feel like a kid but I also felt a lot of pain. My mom took me back to the hotel, I made a few drugged up phone calls and went to sleep.

I didn't realize what kind of pain I had been living with. My back always hurt, especially on my left side. On Tuesday I woke up with no back pain. The doctor told my mom they had removed golf ball sized cysts from both ovaries. No doubt the cysts was making my back hurt. I'm still sore, unable to wear anything but sweatpants, and walk like an old lady, but I know this will be so much better soon.

Thanks for the prayers, calls, text messages, and especially to my mom for taking such great care of me!

Like an overdue book

Where I spend most of my days. Or just across the walk way in the library.

I knew once school started the posting would become more difficult. The last 2 weeks of school have felt like months, both in good and bad ways. I've found myself wondering if I can keep this commitment to be married to school for the next 5 years. It's hard to not think about the things I could be doing with my time and resources. It's also very exciting being in school again. I know I haven't been out for very long but this process just seems so much bigger. No doubt because of what I have to go through to get to the end. This cohort experience has been MUCH different than CBB. It's so academically focused in this first year that we are still relating to one another on a very surface level. I don't do surface too well. I'm reminded of that while meeting all the new people at school and at church. But I recognize it's a safe place for a lot of folks and you have to go through this layer to build those relationships you can take deeper.

I'm LOVING classes (except stats. blah.) and my classmates have been fun to be around. I had this idea I would come in and be labeled the heathen, judged for some of my views and choices I've made in life, and have to keep a big part of who I am to myself. I came in guarded. I've never liked being wrong, but in this case, I'm so glad I'm wrong. I've already had to wrestle with some big questions about me, my faith, my future profession. I've had to accept that I have to take the next week off for surgery and I might fall behind. My professors and TAs have been awesome though, meeting with me outside of class to prep me on what I'll be missing, giving me extensions, and postponing exams for me.

I've spent a lot of time in the library but I've also spent a lot of time with people. In San Diego I hung with a few friends pretty consistently but one thing I was missing there were people who shared my faith, or at least wanted to be real about their faith journey. I've been able to jump in with a new college ministry and volunteer. I've joined friends in a weekly discussion group about life, faith, and random silliness. It's been good for me and my soul, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I haven't figured it out yet.

I'm leaving tomorrow for San Diego. I'm having surgery at Green Hospital in La Jolla on Monday morning at 7:30 am. If you think about it, please pray for me. I'm not nervous yet. I'm mostly nervous about the recovery. Last time I went under anesthesia I came out of it depressed for a few weeks. Hopefully I won't have to spend the night in the hospital but like my doctor said, there are risks in surgery. He gave a great pep talk about how he does his best work in the morning. Maybe I should bring him some Starbucks.

Big Oops

I keep trying to upload pictures but it obviously isn't working. I'm not sure if I just haven't had a good internet connection or if my computer is jacked. With my luck, the computer is jacked.

Yesterday I found a packet of reading in my grad mail box that said, "Alyssa, you missed class today at 1. Please meet me in my office next week." I think my heart stopped beating and my stomach did back flips. I quickly pulled out my schedule and even though I knew I didn't have class, I had to double check. Sure enough, my schedule was totally clear. I ran into the assistant dean who asked how things were going and I showed her the papers. She looked at me and apologized. She forgot to tell me I had to enroll in that class. The program is challenging in the coursework but I think it's even more challenging in the way it's operated. So now I'm stuck taking 18 grad units in my first semester. I'm hoping this helps me graduate early because it's a lot of work up front.

I've been getting involved with a church in Long Beach. New things are always awkward for me but I'm so genuinely happy right now. As I was falling sleep last night I just couldn't help but feel and know I was in the Lord's hands and that I was exactly where I should be. It's comforting to know that despite the trials, stretches, and pain, I'm safe and loved and known.

Pray for the Saizas

If you follow me on twitter you probably know how I really feel about the family I'm living with. They're really nice and have a great house, but they're two things I hate in a living situation, messy and loud. This past Friday there was a major accident here and they could really use prayer. The 16 year old, Daniel, passed out in the pool and was found at the bottom. He was unconscious and pulled out by a friend. He's now awake and in ICU and has no brain damage, but he has some major lung problems and that'll most likely be permanent. He's a very active kid and had hopes of going into the military. He isn't a believer, nobody in the family is. Pray the Lord will use this to bring Daniel and the family to Him. Pray Daniel will recover and they will find hope in this traumatic experience.

Doctor's Orders

I'm having surgery on September 13th. If you think of it, please pray for a smooth procedure and quick recovery. The timing sucks with school just starting but after a positive meeting with the Assistant Dean, I'm sure my professors will be understanding.

I've been trying to post for the last few weeks but internet sucks at home. Most things suck in my current living situation but I won't talk about that now. I've been on Baby Tour 2010 and have pictures to share.
I started the baby visits with the Quiogues. Elijah and I are buds and we like pizza just like his mom. I'll continue the pictures when I have a better internet connection.

I started classes today. Wednesdays are pre-practicum days and I'm excited to start seeing clients again. I'm a little sad I'm jumping ahead of my cohort but I'll have other classes with them. I just know a lot happens in practicums that I'll miss out on. I'm hoping in some way this will help me finish early. Doubt it though.

Reproduction & Road Rage

Ah, I'm finally feeling settled. Well, except my new housing situation has not been what I expected and I'm trying to see how long this will last. I'm hoping I meet a really great girl at school who needs a roommate and wants to share a place. This room is small but I've unpacked a lot into it. I really don't want to move again but probably will sometime in the near future.

I'm on Baby Tour 2010 and will post pictures soon. Seems like lots of people are reproducing right now. It's fun and makes me want and not want to have my own children all at the same time.

I chopped my hair, saw my family, and had really great hang time with friends in Westwood today. I love that so many of my circles are so close right now and I hope to continue to have the meaningful and intentional time together over the next few years.

I had to pick JD up at the Burbank airport yesterday. I was driving my mom's car, with my mom in it and I had a realization. I drive like her. And she has road rage. Maybe living in LA will teach me something. Hopefully it's how to navigate all the not so traveled freeways and side streets. I'll be a freeway ninja by the time I become a doctor.

Classes start in 1 week! I'm still waiting on financial aid to come through. Let's see how this works out.

Not much to worry about

I saw another doctor today and after reviewing my ultrasound, he thinks that I most likely have a fibroid (ball of muscle) in my uterus and cyst on my ovary. He said he can be sure after the MRI next week but he was pretty confident I didn't have much more to worry about. I might still need surgery but it looks like I'm "healthy."

My mom drove all the way down to San Diego for this appointment that lasted maybe 30 minutes. I told her not to come but I'm glad she did. She said she was really worried and had cried a lot. I don't doubt my mom's love for me but I every time we had spoken on the phone she seemed like it wasn't such a big deal. I'm thankful for her.

I'm also thankful for my friends who've called to check on me, offer their support in special ways and all those who've prayed. It all made/makes a difference. Now to pack and scrub my house clean. I'm moving to LA this weekend...

Blurb

I've had a lot of blogging ideas lately, just no time to write. I've spent most of my time packing; it's a slow process. Right now the inflammation in my left shoulder is so bad I can hardly raise it high enough to get stuff off a shelf and into a box. I know it's because of stress but it's a little hard not to stress when I'm in the place I'm in. My mom is coming on Wednesday because I'm seeing a specialist, it'll be nice to have some help. Hopefully he'll get my doctor to move on my MRI. I swear I have to call those people everyday. They hate me but whatever, it's my health and one thing I learned with the lupus stuff is nobody is going to be my advocate in this. I have to speak up, call every day, do what I have to do to get seen. Not like me at all in any other area of life, it's another side most people will never experience.

I've been reading some good books lately. You should read Three Cups of Tea and stay far away from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Gotta get my fun reading out of the way because in 3 weeks I'll be reading long text books and doing DSM-IV flashcards. I'm nervous about school.

I had dinner with a CBB friend tonight and we were talking about the places we're in right now. She asked what this apparent regression was all about. I find myself playing the same mental games I've played for most of my life. Worrying I won't measure up in all aspects: academics, social, financial, spiritual. I'm looking forward to getting back into therapy, I have some fresh wounds that need tending to.

Some of What I Needed

Saturday was what I needed. I got up and boxed with Mel, something I've been missing BIG time. Although, she still won't spar with me. I don't get it :) We worked out, chatted for a bit and said our see ya laters. I came home, showered and got ready for my favorite family in San Diego: THE DRAKES! After such a rough week I was craving some family time and they're the closest I have here in San Diego (along with Peter and Maya) and so we all had dinner together and just hung out. Once I got home and collected my mail that night I saw a letter from my doctor's office. I thought it was another random survey that they seem to send me every time I go to their office and almost blew it off. As I sat on my couch and started to unwind I opened the mail and it turns out what I got was a letter from the lab. It said that my initial test was negative for cancer and that while sometimes there are false negatives, I will have follow up from my doctor. It was a relief to say the least. And I had just had blood tests done for my rhuematologist and knew my white blood cells were in the healthy range which also brought some ease. It's still a waiting game for the MRI but I'm not as scared. I know this peace isn't just from my results, but from my time in the Word of God, the prayers, love, and support from my friends and family. I know many women deal with these things, but that doesn't make it easier. Thanks for your understanding and for just allowing me to be me, whatever emotional state that might be at the time.

It's not good when the doctor calls

**WARNING: some of this material is regarding feminine issues. Not explicit but you get the point.**

I was almost off of work but I couldn't take the phone call from an 858 number I didn't know. Once off work I listened to the message and heard my doctor's nurse telling me to call her about my test results from Monday. I knew it couldn't be good if they were calling, especially so soon. Last Friday I saw my doctor because I've been having a period about every two weeks. For some of you less educated on women, that isn't normal. My doctor asked some questions, checked on some stuff and ordered me to the hospital on Monday. He also took me off of one of my medications for lupus because a side effect is bleeding and wanted to see how that I responded to that.

Monday I anxiously got into my fly looking hospital gown and matching robe, hopped on an ultrasound table and had an internal and external test done. It was uncomfortable, sometimes painful and scary because the technician kept making faces, marking things on the screen, going back and forth, back and forth. It took longer than they said it would and when he said he wanted to take additional pictures I knew something was up but quickly excused it for something else. On a side note: it's totally unfair that they make you drink so much water before this exam, don't allow you to pee, and then proceed to press into your bladder.

Wednesday the call came. The nurse said there were abnormalities on both ovaries and in the uterus and it could be a number of things. She mentioned a few, cysts, fibroids, something starting with an E, and then said, "or something else." My mind immediately filled that with CANCER and fast forwarded not to my funeral but to me never being able to conceive. Even when I was diagnosed with lupus I wasn't scared about the dying part, it was the bullet point that said I might never be able to carry a child to full term that made me sob in the hospital lobby. Even though I'm not a girly girl or even have a completely traditional view of what my life should or would look like as a woman, I still long to be a mom. I know, I'm jumping to conclusions and even if having my own children is never a possibility there are options. But it's what's scaring me the most right now.

Yesterday morning I meditated on 2 Corinthians 5. Not because of this but because of another heartbreak I was feeling but this was so applicable to the afternoon too. It's a reminder that I long for heaven and eternity with my Father because He has paid an incredible price for me, his beloved.

Next comes more pokes, prods, and tests. I have to wait for my insurance to allow me to have an MRI to have a better idea of what is going on inside me. I guess this is never news you want to hear but it makes it much harder being a month away from my doctorate program beginning, moving out of San Diego and to La Mirada, and losing my insurance in August because my benefits came through work. I could use some prayer.

Marisela is the BEST!

The last 2 weeks have been horrible. I really mean horrible. I've had new health issues come up, been stressed, sad, and angry. I've tried to stay positive, diving into prayer and the Word. It's just one of those times where you know God is with you and He won't disappoint you but situations just suck and you wonder how much more you can take. In my last post I said I wanted one of these. Marisela delivered. I love her a lot. Not just because she brought me a baseball mickey candy apple but because she's always been an encouraging, supportive, and honest friend. And she knows how to cheer me up :) Thanks Mars!

I'm having a not so fun procedure done on Monday at a hospital in San Diego. If you all think about it, please pray this will give my doctor some insight as to what is happening to me. It's not really a great time to find new issues with my body. I have fantastic doctors here in San Diego and I don't know what will happen to my health care once I leave UCSD. It's all kinda scary.

All Stars in CA

In honor of the MLB All Star game taking place tomorrow in Anaheim, Disneyland is making these candy apples. And I want one.

My Anxious Thoughts

While filing away papers today I had A LOT of time to think (there was A LOT of filing). I’ve had many things on my mind and I finally felt the anxiety that’s been brewing. My breath got shorter, my stomach started to turn, and I really felt the emotions inside myself. I’ve been wondering how this school thing is going to work out. I’ve got the financial aid to pay for it, just not to live off it. I need to figure money out…not a fun subject to talk or think about. But I’ve tried to not worry about it because the Lord provides EVERYTIME. I guess its money on top of moving (and not knowing where I’m going to live), and giving up training…the list of things that have me anxious could go on. The other BIG thing on my mind and causing some intense emotions involves having to say goodbye to friends (some probably forever). During CBB we spent two weeks saying goodbye to one another, now I have limited or no time to say my goodbyes. I’m hesitant to accept that some of my relationships here will change. I love boxing with Mel, sometimes seeing one another 5 days a week. I like Peter, Maya, Maria, Ian, and Brian calling me for random meals or just time together. I’m sad to move further from the Drakes, especially with a baby girl on the way and Ethan growing so fast. I’m a bit sad to leave the people at the gym, and the new people I’ve just started to get to know in the last couple of weeks at church. And even though AJ is also going to LA, I know we won’t see each other much and by the time I blink he’ll be back in San Diego. Yeah…I guess I don’t do change very well.

I'm an insecure girl

It finally hit me today...school starts in less than 8 weeks. As I realized this I also had an overwhelming sense of insecurity. I'm afraid I won't cut it. As a student, as a friend, as a Christian. When first considering Rosemead I was excited about taking theology classes, being around other believers, making new friends. Now, all of those things scare me. I know a lot of it has to do with where I'm at right now here in San Diego. I have little community and a few people I even talk about spiritual matters with. I often hold back a lot because of what I perceive to be an un-interested attitude from people in the body of Christ. It's made me think I don't want to be around Christians so much. We can be mean, hurtful people. It seems I've found more care outside of the Christian community which is also very disheartening. I'm afraid of what my dear San Diego relationships will become.

I remember feeling some of this towards the end of my first trip to Ethiopia. My leader, Mark, prayed over me and the journey I was coming home to (Joshua Wilderness Institute) and reassured me that it would be exciting. And it was. I'm looking for a Mark right now and leaning on the promise of God.

I'm praying for a change in my heart too. I know how wicked it is.

The Big Jump

I jumped from 40 meters off the bridge toward the water below. It was exhilarating to say the least.

On a high like never before. And such a dorky smile to prove it.

*Pictures by Jen Turner

I've been having horrible headaches and a hard time sleeping. With the time I have at night, I've wanted to blog about the rest of my NZed trip. It just hasn't happened because I'm afraid of what I might say when I'm loopy at 1:30 am. However, I did want to share these pictures of my jump off the Harbour bridge. This jump brought out so much excitement and joy I've been missing for a while and I'm glad it followed me home.

Since returning home I've jumped into a new temp job, began planning a baby shower for the newest Drake, and am trying to set my routine in SD for the next couple of weeks until I move to LA. It's been tough but it's been exciting. I'm starting to look for housing in the LA area and I'm not looking forward to that process but I'm totally stoked on school. If anyone has housing tips, options, offers, hit me up.

Naughty New Zealand

Yesterday we tackled NZ on our own. Jen drove Pip's car while she was at work and let's just say, the spaces in NZ are tight and driving on the other side of the road is difficult. Everything is the opposite from America, the light switches, driving, turn signals. So instead of a turn signal, Jen often set the wiper blades off and would get frustrated at first. By the end of our outing we just laughed at everything. And boy did we laugh yesterday.

We successfully made it back to Pip's work and started planning our trip for today to Rotorua. I'm ready for some EXTREME adventure while the others are really just ready to laugh at how ridiculous I am. I was thinking I might want to jump off the Sky Tower so we were looking to see how much it cost. $200! I told Pip I would just jump off her house for free. Jen said she would drag a mattress out for me to land on. Only one mattress though, I'd have to be pretty accurate on my landing. So now I'm thinking I'll jump off the Harbor Bridge because like Pip said, "where else can you jump off the Harbor Bridge?" While we were looking for adventures we came across a tour company called 4Play. I won't repeat the comments that were made but we laughed so hard I cried.

We headed to Mission Bay at sunset and it was awesome. We continued laughing as Jen snapped her camera at our craziness. After heading home, JT and I went to the grocery store (something I enjoy in other countries) and Pip went to a meeting. I had rice for dinner because honestly, I feel like I'm constantly eating and I just needed a little something for dinner. JT fell asleep pretty quickly and I watched Finding Nemo until going to bed. Ah, what a great day.

We're heading to Rotorua soon...we'll see what lies ahead!

The difference between Tuesday & Wednesday

Yesterday (Tuesday in NZ) was pouring. JT and I headed to Davonport on the ferry and braved the storm with the hopes of finding something cool to see or do. Once we got off the ferry the tour guide told us we were pretty much out of luck if we wanted to see cool things. He even said it wouldn't be worth it to pay for the tour because of the rain. We weren't planning on taking the tour anyway so we just started walking and then the rain started PELTING us. It wasn't just raining, it was pouring. I gave JT my umbrella because I'm a good friend and I had a rain coat but we both still got soaked. We hiked to the top of Mt. Victoria and along the way we played Amazing Race and I climbed a tree. Once we got back into downtown Auckland we walked to Parnell and by now the sun was starting to peek through. We spent the afternoon walking, drying off, shopping and drinking coffee. I had the cutest and yummiest peanut butter mocha. I even took pictures of it because it was that pretty. My camera is being temperamental so I've been using my phone. I might try and buy a camera today since the US dollar is much stronger than the NZ dollar. I've been using my phone for the camera (not the best, but it works) and found I have service. It's very expensive so I'm not using it but I can see text messages and was very sad to learn I'll be missing Liz's last day at the gym. She's heading off to China until who knows when. So, best of luck Liz!

Today (Wednesday) is BEAUTIFUL out and we're about to venture into another suburb of Auckland and see what today brings.

A Day of Travel

It's weird to completely miss a day when travelling. I left LAX on Saturday night, flew for 13 hours, and got off in New Zealand on Monday morning at 5:30 am. We got to the airport super early for our flight. Not knowing what LA traffic would be like on a holiday weekend we played it safe. We had no problems with traffic or security so we were 3 hours early to our gate. We grabbed dinner and watched the Laker game so time went by quickly. I even ran into a friend from San Diego who was on his way to Paris so we got to chat for a while. I always like when friends from different parts of my life get to meet one another so my San Diego world and Hume world connected at LAX :)

The flight wasn't the most comfortable flight. It was 13 hours in a hot, stuffy airplane. There was a demon child sitting in front of me too and for some reason his mom thought he needed his seat all the way back for most of the flight. Not very comfy but I did get to watch 3 entire movies so it wasn't all bad. I have a hard time sleeping in planes and usually can't do it unless I take drugs. Unfortunately my drugs were in my bag overhead and I couldn't reach them so I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours total. I finally decided to give up on sleep after I woke up sweating and the boy in front of me had stood up in his chair, turned around to face me and was screaming his head off. My first instinct was to punch the kid but then I realized he was a red head and felt bad for him.

Once I was through immigration and collecting my bag I noticed a man walking around with a dog, trained in sniffing out contraband. Guess who's bag the dog jumped up on first. That's right, yours truly. He was a small dog so he couldn't really reach my backpack and the officer with him asked me to put it on the ground. The dog was sure there was something in there so the officer asked if I had any fruit or meat or had carried fruit or meat recently. I said no but Jen quickly reminded me I had a banana and orange at LAX. I said I got rid of the contraband in LA and after he looked through my bag he cleared me. I just thought it was humorous that I was the one being questioned.

So I haven't slept but maybe 4 hours in the last 36 and I'm not doing too bad now. Earlier I thought I was gonna pass out mid conversation but I'm holding out til 9pm tonight. Auckland is amazingly gorgeous and I've seen a lot of it already because we went to the top of One Tree Hill (the park not the show) and Mt. Eden and had a 360 view of the city. I can't wait for more cafes, exploring, and bungee jumping.

Bummer Dude

I found out today I'm not getting unemployment. At least not for a few weeks, if at all. Big time bummer. I'm left in a weird spot because I feel like I have a lot to figure out but the timing just stinks. Oh well, I guess I'll just go on vacation :)

I'm leaving on Saturday for New Zealand. I'm super excited. It's definitely one of my top 5 places I MUST visit. I'm also glad I get to go with Jennifer E. Turner. We met at Hume Lake and were even roommates for a while. She would make me get up at 5 am to do pilates with her and I would get up, get on the ground, and usually fall back asleep. Except I would wake up when the roll like a ball exercise came on. I liked that one. She lives in Central Cali now and I don't get to see her as often as I would like but we ALWAYS have a good time together. Even if it's sitting around in our pajamas, drinking coffee, and making up stories. Guaranteed laughter and honesty in all of our conversations.

Don't let the make up fool you. We know how to get down. In fact, we were dancers for the Hume Lake fall conference openers. Yes ladies, we danced with Rich Baker.

This was taken at one of the many weddings we've attended (but it's special because it was right before Sarah Slavich became Sarah Richter). Now she's a photographer so she has to go to lots more weddings than I do.

Feelings

"The problem is that, because of sin, our feelings can lead us astray. And when I start to let the way I feel dictate how I behave, my life becomes a selfish, misdirected, mess."

"Instead of letting my actions be dictated by my feelings, I have to act based on the truth of God’s character and expectation for me as revealed in scripture."

I don't know where I read these quotes but I keep coming back to them. I like these quotes and I don't like them at the same time. Is this possible? I guess so because that's how I feel. Or am I being misdirected? Anyway, something to chew on.

Trading my Sorrows

My days have become really confused and meshed together. On Monday I swore over and over it was Tuesday. Good thing it's really only going to be Tuesday because I have a lot to get done before leaving for New Zealand.

I've been out of work for going on two weeks now. It's been a roller coaster for me. On one hand it's great to take a break, have time to myself and rest. I've been in and out of lupus flares for the last 6 months and in great physical pain for the last 2. Tomorrow I get to see my specialist and I'm gonna demand he shoot me up with some good stuff to bring this inflammation down. I just know 13 hours on a plane isn't going to be comfortable in my present condition. On the other hand I feel a bit useless and worthless being out of work. I had an unexpected dinner with a group of my cohort members from CBB tonight and it brought up a lot of stuff for me. As we sat around and had REALLY good food, we also chit chatted about what's been going on. It suddenly turned into us sitting in a circle, checking in with one another and really spilling the beans on life. I miss that. I miss having people check in, listen and really care about where I'm at. I miss doing that for other people.

While we were sitting there it was a bittersweet moment. It struck us that we've been out of CBB for a year now. It was also a time to remember Denny Ollerman, a long time educator in the CBB program. He passed away this morning and the impact he had on all of us, even without knowing him very well, was tremendous. He will be missed greatly and my heart goes out to his family, whom I care for deeply.

Being in the circle again made me think about what I was like in CBB, some of the work I did with my therapist and steps I've taken this year. In all honesty, it took me a while to even acknowledge I had done any good in the last year. The critical voice in my head I've been learning to control has been running rampant lately with lies. I was focused on what I didn't have to show instead of on ways I developed in the last year. It's hard. To feel like I've made progress when it seems like I don't have tangible things to show for it. But it felt good to acknowledge to these friends that I've done some growing, work, and pushing forward. I was feeling insecure about not having a steady job to show I'm doing something with my Master's degree that I didn't give credit to the fact that I've been accepted into a doctorate program for the fall. In talking about relationships I felt like I had failed because the man I was interested in didn't feel the same way about me. But I didn't give myself credit for actually being vulnerable, honest, and open to the possibility with another person. I didn't write off being close to someone like I normally would and I sought the Lord in the excitement, disappointment, and unknown. I felt weak admitting I was in physical pain but when I think about what I live through every day, I don't know if anyone else could endure this and that makes me feel strong. So it's been up and down and I continue to struggle against myself, my thoughts, and my comfort zone. I try to push through with the hope that my new experiences will teach me something, be it good or bad. I hold on to the hope that the Lord Jesus Christ gives and the promises from a Father who loves me more than I can even imagine. While I sat with my friends, laughed and cried, I couldn't help but think about the joy that comes in the morning.

In the crowd...

I finished my first temp gig. It was only supposed to last for 6 weeks but ended up running 8 months long. I'm super thankful for the opportunity to work in the office I was in. I made some really fantastic and life long friends. As I was getting ready to leave the position I realized that for the last 8 months, work was where I felt most full. It was where I had most of my meaningful interactions with people and some really thought provoking, challenging, and funny conversations. It kinda makes me sad to think I get that at work and not really anywhere else in my life on a regular basis (with the exception of a few people here and there). It also made me nervous knowing that I was going to be out of a job, home alone, and have time on my hands to think about all the things I try to not think about.

So far I've been very happy with my time away from work and not sad or scared like I anticipated. I know that's only because of God's great provision and protection in every way. There is the possibility I'll be heading back to campus for another job. It's better pay and would run just up to the time I'd move for school. I might not get it due to my trip planned soon but I know it isn't too much to ask for. He ALWAYS proves faithful.

When I started this post last week I had something else on my mind. Maybe I'll share that later, but for now, this is where I am.

Super Random

I decided to go to New Zealand in two weeks...for two weeks. I don't know what made me do it. It's so not something I would do, just make a decision like this. But I did and it feels crazy exciting. I'm going to try and enjoy it instead of thinking about the ways I should have or could have spent the money more responsibly. It was a super cheap flight and I have a free place to crash. Why not go? You can come too if you get on this hot deal from Air New Zealand now. Do it. Now.

Note to self

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed” - Unknown

Sometimes I wish I would keep my mouth shut. Instead, I usually dig myself deeper into a pit I can only laugh myself out of.

Book Review 3 - Celebration of Discipline

"The Spiritual Disciplines are an inward and spiritual reality, and the inner attitude of the heart is far more crucial than the mechanics of coming into the reality of the spiritual life."

Every Christian who is serious about their faith needs to read this book. Foster does an excellent job breaking down spiritual disciplines and explaining the relevance of each practice. Some of my favorite chapters were on fasting, submission, worship, and celebration. I know that if I consistently put these lessons into practice my relationship with the Lord will be taken to new and intimate places. Even while reading through the book I could see how thinking on these things was drawing me closer to God and that is what I desire.

Overall Grade: A+

Walk for Lupus Now!

The cutest walker

Some of Team Alyzzle

My amazing support

May is Lupus Awareness month. This weekend I recruited some friends to walk/run along with me and raise money for the Lupus Foundation of America (LFA). It was the first time I've participated in this event and it was only recently I became aware of the LFA but they do a lot of work to raise awareness as well as money for research and support for people with lupus. It felt good to be able to contribute and I was a little surprised by all those who joined my team. Brian, Ian, and I ran the 3 miles and came in first. We didn't win anything but it felt good to run. I may have over done it though, I got very tired on Saturday afternoon and was having a hard time even moving from my couch. I went to bed on Saturday night and slept for 15 hours. I've spent Sunday on my couch and used most of my energy doing dishes and then came back to the couch. If you have a few minutes I would love some prayer. I haven't been feeling so great but I've also been under some stress. I have 10 days of work left and I'm not sure what comes next. My mom said I could move back in for a few months because she knows I'm out in August :) I'll keep you posted...

Songbird

Rosie Thomas sings the words on my heart. I absolutely love her and hope to see her in concert some day soon. Rosie, please come to So Cal. The Rosie Thomas station on Pandora has been a delight. If you're looking for some chill, comforting, and lovely music you should listen to this station.

I saw this picture today and felt like it reflected life for me lately. It's beautiful but not perfect. Stormy but peaceful all at the same time. In the midst of the blurry giant mountains shines the radiant rainbow. Life isn't exactly as I would like it to be but I'm sure it's the way it is supposed to be. There are some fantastic things going on, coming up, and that I'm looking forward to with excitement and hope. I fully recognize that life isn't going to be exactly as I would like it to be until heaven and today I am so thankful for a loving God who shows me comfort, love, worth, and growth in an unfulfilled world. And I'm thankful for laughter and tears at the same time ;)

The "What If?" Challenge

Don Miller proposed a question on his blog a few weeks ago and is doing a new series on the question: What if? I thought it was a cool idea, can strike up conversation and has the potential to shake things up in my life. I feel like I've been taking some steps lately asking myself, "what if?" without realizing that was what I was doing. The grad school decision was a lot like this. What if I just go for it? and now I am. What if I just say what I'm thinking without editing it? and it's led to great and growing conversations. I think I might try this with a trusted group of friends and see what happens, like Miller says, it definitely won't be boring. I especially liked what he said at the end, I had to bold it for you. Read his post and try it out. Ask yourself, "what if?" and then do it. If you feel so inclined, post in a comment what you did and how it turned out.

From Miller's Blog:
So here’s the challenge:
If you’re part of a small group, read the blog entry to the group, pass out index cards and have people write down five “what if” questions. Now here’s the trick…people are going to write down stuff they can’t control, like what if I hadn’t lost my job or what if my wife hadn’t left. Those are great questions to process, but they aren’t helpful for our experiment. The questions you are looking for are “what if I popped the question” or “what if I found my father” or “what if I held a fundraiser” or “what if I broke up with my bad boyfriend.” Those are the questions we are looking for.

Once everybody has written on their index cards, have each person in the group share one or two aloud. Then issue the challenge.

Challenge the group to follow through on at least one item on the list. And they must follow through by the next time you meet, because they are each going to report on what happened.
What will unfold, good or bad, will not be boredom, I assure you. Things are going to get crazy. People are going to start talking, because their lives are suddenly going to get interesting.
Here’s the moral of the story, if you will. What you’re teaching the group is that God gives life to you to live, and you can either tell meaningful stories or boring stories. We can’t wait around anymore for God to make something happen in our lives, meanwhile we shop at Bed Bath and Beyond. The truth is, God gives you wisdom and direction and morality and His presence and support, and then asks you to live, to conquer, to risk and experience the whole of life. People grow when they are in motion.

Eating my Words

Yesterday I posted a book review and today's Donald Miller blog made me laugh. Mostly because he's saying the opposite of the book I just reviewed...and I just gave up my list. He wrote a book a few years ago titled To Own a Dragon and while it was meant for men who had grown up without fathers, I still read it. And I loved it. I did have a dad growing up and I considered us to be close but after I became a Christian and he got remarried things changed. I've felt distant from my dad for a long time but thankfully I've been blessed with a step dad who attempts to show me what a God-fearing man and leader looks like. Miller has re-released To Own a Dragon under a new name, Father Fiction, and has added a few chapters. He's sharing them on his blog if you're interested.

In other news: I'm going to Rosemead in the fall. I was driving myself crazy trying to analyze every possible move (I should learn to play chess, I'd probably be good). When I took a step back from the many thoughts swirling in my head, I recognized the fear I was letting cloud my decision. I have no idea how a few things are going to work out but I'm super excited for the community I'll be joining and the chance to go to a Christian school. That should be a VERY different experience for me. I'm excited to jump into doctoral work and part of the requirement for the degree is a minor in theology...ah, now that is exciting! I'll be moving in August and start school on the 25th!

Time for BJJ Worlds

This tournament always brings the best players to the mat. Last year I watched a teammate compete at the Mundials and we couldn't help but laugh when the announcer would announce a disqualification. If you watch until the end, you'll know why.

Book Review 2 - How to get a Date Worth Keeping

During my interview at Rosemead, Professor Straus mentioned Doctors Cloud and Townsend, Rosemead grads that were very successful authors, life coaches, and happened to do a lot of work surrounding relationships. He didn't tell me about these guys because he thought I needed to read their books (at least I hope that's not why he told me about them), it happened naturally and made sense in the context of our conversation/interview. Anyway, as I was talking about these guys with a friend she mentioned she had a book by Dr. Cloud. I took it, interested in the topic and always entertained by the way Christians approach dating.

I've heard Christian speakers suggest you make a list of qualities you'd like in a spouse. At a camp I once worked at, we were encouraged to give an unedited list to a trusted brother or sister and pray over the list. Sarah, sorry I gave you my list! Ask my close girlfriends and they know about the list. They might not be able to tell you everything on the list because some of it I've kept secret but the list is exhaustive. This book told me one thing: GET RID OF THE LIST! Because the author made some very good arguments for writing this, I listened and continued to read. The thing I really enjoyed about this book wasn't really the dating tips (although, there were some funny quotes), it was the theory behind dating. I think it's true that you learn so much about yourself in the process of rejection, acceptance, love, and yes, flirting. I appreciated that the book didn't take the hard nose, "I kissed dating goodbye" approach and I noticed myself more willing to be open. Even though I haven't put many of his steps into action, I did get rid of the list. He managed to open me up a little to doing things in a different way and while it's hard, awkward, and scary, I think it's making me think in healthier ways.

Overall grade: A

Anyone have any good/bad/ugly dating stories?

Happy Easter

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

Matthew 28:5-7

Submission

I had a jiu jitsu coach who always said, "if you aren't attacking, you're losing." His point was that our goal in the game should always be to make your opponent submit. When I think about the game and conditioning for the sport, I can surely draw some spiritual parallels.

I've been reading Foster's Celebration of Discipline for a while now. It's taken me a while to get through it because after reading some of these disciplines I had to take a break and evaluate the magnitude of what was being said in the chapters. One such chapter was on submission.

Today my small group assignment was to read James. Yes, chapter 4 is about submission.

So there seems to be a theme lately. Maybe God is trying to get this idea of submission through my thick skull, you think?

I'm learning that I don't have to dominate (unless we're talking jiu jitsu), be stubborn, and that submission is really about love and selflessness. These are just initial thoughts, the entry isn't developed but I just had to get these thoughts down. What are your thoughts on the topic of submission to God and others?

Where I'd Like to be

Today I wish I was laying on this couch with my books and my journal. I'm sure it would be fantastic.

Superhero Savior

This weekend we studied Luke 19:28 - 48 in church. I'm sure if you've been around the church for a while you've also studied the passage on Palm Sunday. This marks the beginning of "Passion Week" and Jesus' journey to the cross (although his journey really began at birth). Observing the text I think about the excitement and hope the people had, their savior had come! Only he didn't come to do what they thought he was going to do. He wasn't there to pull rank, restore a nation, or be an earthly king. He was there to die a painful, brutal, gory death, so that the world would have the chance at salvation. I immediately thought of the role Jesus plays in my life. He's a bit like a superhero, allowing me to live with the comfort of knowing he's there, fighting my battles and keeping me safe, but sometimes feeling really impersonal and not playing the role I think he should. Lately I've been accusing of God, questioning His character, wondering if He enjoys seeing me struggle and cry nearly everyday. I thought I was trying to reach out and hear from Him. I've been doing the things I should be doing: reading, praying, going to small group, talking to brothers and sisters, and tithing. But yesterday I realized that I wasn't doing the one thing He wanted me to do, trust Him.

After church I headed towards Mission Bay for some quiet time. I read, prayed, wrote in my journal and wrote and wrote :). I went back to the beginning of the year and read a few entries and one thing stuck out. On 1/4 I wrote about a message I heard by Francis Chan asking if we could go through the year, have fun and not be closer to God. OR go through the year with challenges and be closer than ever to God, which would I choose? I confessed fun sounded good but I want to be closer to the Lord, so I'd have to choose the challenges. I didn't know what I was to receive at that time. 2010 has brought illness, cancer scares, surgeries, family conflict, financial hardship. I've been with friends as they battle anxiety, worry, fear, divorce...and March isn't over. But yesterday I was able to rejoice in all that has been and is going on because I'm yearning for time with the Lord.

I know my feelings and situations aren't going to change overnight. Just today I got a letter saying my temp hours at work will be up in a month and it looks like I'll be unemployed for a while. I immediately got tears in my eye, my chest felt heavy and I walked away from my desk. But it took only a minute for me to recognize the opportunity to trust and that's what I'm choosing and it feels good. I also found out today that I got into Rosemead's Clinical Psych program. I have no idea how this is going to work out. It's a good $25,000 + a year. But I have 2 weeks to make a decision and I know this is another chance to seek the Lord. Stay tuned for more.

Soundtrack for 3/29:

Mexico City - Jolie Holland, Save You - Matthew Perryman Jones, Heart on my Sleeve - Michael Johns, Everything's Right - Matt Wertz, Half of my Heart - John Mayer, Can't Fight This Feeling - Glee Cast, You Want This - Janet Jackson, So Excited - Janet Jackson, End of the World - Blake Lewis, Halo - Glee Cast, Bust Your Windows - Glee Cast, Now That You Got It - Gwen Steffani

Food for Thought

30 years ago today...

The Eve of 30

First of all, I did jiu jitsu tonight and now I have icy hot all over my shoulder. Turning 30 sucks.

Secondly, I have AMAZING people in my life who help me realize turning 30 doesn't suck. I'm super blessed with loving family and caring friends who encourage me all the time. I've had some great conversations today that have helped me realize that in the last few days of my 20s I've grown in really amazing ways. I'm planning on carrying this into the 30s. From what I hear from those on the other side, it's pretty darn good.

Book Review 1 - Do Something!

I started the year with a goal of reading a book a month. I think I might average 12 books this year but I'm not meeting my goals yet. I have finished one book, Do Something by Pastor Miles McPherson. I probably only finished this book because I joined a small group and went through the book with them. It was a decent book and really motivating to actually put faith into action. The book had inspiring personal stories from people in the church and great scripture to reinforce putting faith to work. I thought the curriculum that went along with the book was simple, good for some, not for me. I felt myself wanting to dive deeper, maybe it was my group that didn't want to go there, but I felt like the discussions never really went anywhere. I bought the book for $5 and it was worth it, it was an easy, quick read. If you're interested in starting new ministries there are a lot of examples in the book. Overall grade: B-

Answered Prayer

Thursday I was congested and tired but I couldn't help feeling HAPPY as I left work. My mom called to let me know she's cancer free, the BEST thing I could ever hear. I had told Maya that I needed that test to come back negative or I might just fall apart. Thank the Lord for hearing the prayers of His children.

Don't Mess

THIS brought me joy this week.

It's ALMOST here...

Baseball season is upon us. Here's my outfit for opening day. Can you tell I'm not a red sox fan?

La Bonita

I spent all day Saturday with CBB folk, holding interviews for the next cohort. There is something so great and so annoying about being in a room full of counselors all day. By 10 pm I had a headache and had to go (I had been there since 7:45 am). It was from either all the love or all the analyzing that was going on, I'm not sure which. It's always a fun experience though and even though I don't know some of them at all, I feel like the genuine and real Alyssa around them. I allow them to see parts of me that even close friends don't get to see. I say things to them I wouldn't say to random strangers, even though that's what they are. I know it's because they've been through or are going through a similar process I went through and they have an understanding only someone from the program would have. As I thought about my cohort and was reminded of certain people throughout the day I was also reminded of last May and our closing exercises. One of my classmates has a gift I'm envious of. He not only writes poetry but performs spoken word. He brought me to tears with this piece he wrote for me and performed in front of the cohort. I happened to find it today. I thought I'd share, it's too amazing not to.

La Bonita Daddy’s little girl

You came into this world beautiful

The people within it made you feel otherwise

Their disposition was due to blinders and shades

Resilient and amazing

swans cannot be hidden

Like treasure I find you remarkable

Your value undefined

Mona Lisa is jealous

Vango’s and Picasso’s can’t hang in the same room with you

Stars fall from the heavens which cry for you

Because your beauty is far deeper than eyes can see

The night falls because God has kept his eyes on you all day

And his eyelids have betrayed him

He has grown weary

The reason that god made a girl

To be loved and cherished

You carry a sentiment that is far more than intimate

A marathon of love… runner’s high couldn’t match

I snatch you up for myself

But I fear I may be stoned to death

For not sharing you with the rest of the world

I’d crumble like the Berlin wall

The world wouldn’t let me keep you forever

I’d revel in every moment we ever shared

I’d live forever because those moments tattooed between my left ventricle and aorta

Would pump blood fit for immortals

See, hear and take notice

Take ownership of your tribute

Like rivers flowing carrying sustenance to tributaries were the wild are free

Your existence means much more to others than you may dare to imagine

You may be a dream for others maybe to yourself

I command…open your eyes and see you

For you are beauty hidden from yourself by words of selfish ignorance

Sweet decadence

I promise.. you will fall in love with yourself

Just as I have fallen In Love with you… La Bonita.

Update on Mom

Thank you all who prayed for my mom and checked in with me throughout the day. I talked to my mom tonight and she is doing great. She hasn't been sick and is only slightly sore right now (I'm sure that will be different tomorrow) and is in good spirits. She even got to watch Survivor so that made her happier. The doctor said the surgery went well, things seemed to look good but we'll have to wait a week for tests to come back.

Things I love...

It might be trendy now, but I still love that every pair purchased means someone who can't afford shoes gets a pair.

Music has the ability to make me laugh, cry, dance, and fall to my knees.

I love holding hands. There is a security in being so close to someone (yes, even my girl friends) that I can show it affectionately. See previous post.

I'd love to take a class and learn how to make these flowers.

I could sit all day with books and coffee. Of course I do get distracted in coffee shops because I like watching what others are doing. I also really like that coffee cup.

I also loved having a Disneyland Annual Pass. Depending on where I end up in the fall, I might just get another.

I think WAY too much

I can't figure out if Wednesdays make me sad or I'm just jacked up and the long day makes me emotional. For the last three Wednesdays (at least) I've cried at some point in the day and I feel like I have reason to but I wish I didn't feel this way. Today I wanted to just be quiet and hope to keep the tears in. At the same time I wanted someone to ask and really care about what was going on in my head. Thankfully there were a few people throughout the day who checked in with me and didn't mind my tears. A friend asked what I needed and I responded with, "I need something good to happen. And soon." I feel like I've been dealt blow after blow and I'm beat. At the same time I know I have so many things to be thankful for and then I feel guilty for not being as thankful as I should be. Here I go, into my spiral. This is definitely not where I want to be.

I had a realization today that I know is going to benefit me. I was in my bathroom, blow drying my hair and getting ready for work and I had a million thoughts going through my head and I just kept thinking about them. And thinking about them. And dwelling on them. Somehow I had confused thinking about these things as praying about these things. Have you ever done that? It felt like I was really convinced I had surrendered these things to God but I hadn't. Maybe I'll start praying out loud. Anyone have tips, advice, things they do to commit their thoughts to prayer?

Finally, my mom is having surgery tomorrow morning at 11 am. My family and I would love your prayers in this scary time. We keep saying we'll be okay no matter what but the truth is, I don't know if I can handle bad news. She's having a lump removed from her left breast and then we wait for results on what that lump is, if it's anything at all.

Soundtrack while writing: Go it Alone - Beck, Acorn Factory - The Dodos, Technicolor - Nurses, Leap - The Cave Singers, Oh the Vampyre - A.A. Bondy, Comets - Fanfarlo, Nothing Ever Happened - Deerhunter.

Keith Olbermann Comments on Racism

My mom said something to me last week that I've been thinking a lot about. We were talking about the happenings at UCSD and the fear some have with the racist acts going on and she made a comment about me not having to worry about that stuff. And it struck me, my mom doesn't see me as a Mexican-American woman. I get that I'm her daughter and that's how she views me but I certainly don't look like her and I certainly don't experience the world the same way she does. It's made me think a lot. Maybe too much. Anyway, I got this video passed on to me today by a woman I highly admire and respect, Dr. Maria Nieto-Senour.