Identity Crisis

"I am not who you think I am. I am not who I think I am. I am who I think you think I am." Dr. Shelly Cunningham

Nerdy Rivers.

Weezer Rock My Socks

Saturday night was probably one of the greatest nights ever! I got to hang out with cool people and see Weezer along with the Foo Fighters in Long Beach. It seriously was a great show, the flying W, “Say it ain’t so” and acoustic “Island in the sun.” Who doesn’t love nerdy Rivers? Wess, I was doing my drunk step mom dance when you called…to Weezer!

Treasure from the CSUN campus

I can never say Nate doesn’t think of me. On Thursday we were watching TV and suddenly he gets up and runs to his car. He came back with this CD he found on the ground at school and he handed it to me. It was called “LA Playaz” and with songs like “Spanish Butterfly” and “Drinkin and Smokin” I knew I was in for a treat. He said he saw it and there was nobody around so he picked it up and thought I would LOVE it. It’s the most horrific thing I've ever listened to. But it has provided a ton of laughs and we get stares from the people next to us at the stoplights.

Lamenting lender

Because today seems to last forever I decided to post once again. This time I'm venting.

Settlers is an addicting game. It's just so good! I'm kind of like a drug dealer in that I've now got others addicted and I'm the only one with the supply...Well, until Trent dropped the money for it too. But I'm the only one Nate feels like he can rip off. So, he went into my house (okay, home is where the heart is. So what if it's a trailer?) and "borrowed" Settlers while I was gone last week. I got a call one evening from him and he asked if I had heard about the tragedy. Tragedy? Yeah, he spilt water all over the game. So pretty much the minute I got home I marched next door to get the game and count the pieces. He thought I was ridiculous but a red road is missing! Okay, I'm done and my game is incomplete :(

Raining and Pouring

The week is coming to an end and I haven't had time to really even think about anything of importance. I want to journal so bad but can't seem to get the hour it's going to take me to get thoughts on paper. So here's my story since I can't really share my heart now.

I was driving home on Monday from Reedley/Fresno area and it was pouring on the grapevine. I mean, I couldn't even see 5 feet in front of me and I had slowed to about 35 mph just to feel a little more in control. I saw these 2 cars go into each other on the left so I moved to the right side and my brakes locked and I begin to hydroplane. Luckily there was nobody around because I moved to the right quick. Once I got into the right lane I realized it's flooded and now I'm moving slower and really feel like at any moment someone is bound to ram right into the back of my car. I looked in the mirror to see if I could move into a middle lane and all I see it this car spinning out of control and then off the side of the road. I kept going down the road, praying out loud because I was so scared and then to my right another car goes into an embankment. A few minutes down the road a semi jacknifed, half his trailer flips and now all traffic is moving to the right. Once I got home I felt the tension that had been building in my body. It was stressful!

Another Quiz...

You Are A: Pony!

Who doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.

You were almost a: Bear Cub or a Monkey
You are least like a: Groundhog or a TurtleThe Cute Animals Quiz

English 101

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

15% Yankee

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Habitat and Hume

Hume Lake is a refuge...Hume Lake. I joined the Joshua 06 class for their Habitat for Humanity trip in Livermore this week. It was tiring, hot, full of hard work and smashed fingers but it was great! I had a ton of fun with the new kids and the staff. It's always fun hanging out with Darin. We went to a concert on Friday night at The Fillmore in San Francisco and that was a ton of fun. Turns out Mikey and his band The Shiny Toy Guns were the opening band. It was phenomenal! Bob Mould is amazing and the 40 year olds moshing was the best part.

There were so many funny stories but I'll only share one of my favorites. We had to wait an hour one day for the showers to open so we decided to go to a park. There were a few teens in the park and they stared as 60 people invaded the area. These 2 girls were laying on top of one another in the grass and they were looking at Darin and myself as we sat reading. One girl yells, "Hey, are you gay?" Darin looks at her and says, "you talking to me?" "Yeah." "No. If I was gay my wife would probably be pissed." I hid my face in my book as I cried my eyes out. Oh man, it was so funny.

I'm still at the good ol' JWI building and now they have high speed internet...No more dial up. And it only took them 3 years to put it in. I remember them saying we would have it at the beginning of my Joshua year. Anyway, it's sweet...And I love Hume.

Released to Rule

I'm taking my time with The Divine Conspiracy. I have to think a lot when I read it so I'm only done with one chapter :) Yeah, so I started a month ago...I haven't spent time reading, only playing Settlers.

I've been thinking about how once I release control of something to God I usually find myself with more rule over that thing. Does that make sense? I've just felt like a failure lately even though I haven't tried to achieve. And I haven't tried to achieve because I'm afraid of failure. What a crappy cycle to be caught in.

It relates to bigger issues in my life but here is the small one I'm trying to work through now. So, I like a guy...Yeah, he's still around. I've liked him for a few months, we've become friends and we spend time together. He's great! He's fun and smart and we get along well...So why hasn't he got the clue? Everyone around me is telling me to just lay it out there. I feel like if I spill my guts I'm going to end up picking them up and putting them back in once he's ripped into me. But I haven't tried and I don't even know for sure if it would end this way. I'm just too scared. I know in my head that God will be there to be my comfort if it doesn't go the way I'd like it to and I know God really is the only one I need to be satisfied with and by. But I can't make my heart feel that and I can't get the words out of my mouth. So how do I release this to God and rule over these feeling? It's probably by spending time with God, reading my Bible, journaling about these things. Maybe it's harder than that though. Maybe I totally need to change my thinking. Maybe I just need to open my mouth, stumble over my words and see where I land.

I just feel like writing

I don't know if I have anything worth writing about this morning but I just feel like writing. I'm starting to come out of my feeling ugly in every way stage. It probably has to do with me getting back into the word. I've had no desire to even read scripture over the past week or so but Tuesday night I just couldn't get enough of it. After I realized how late it was and that I needed to go to bed I laid there and thought about what an idiot I am. Why can't I remember how good it is to be in communion with God? Maybe it's because I'm lazy or I have poor time management skills. Joshua took care of a lot of those problems though. I guess a 9 month program can't do everything for you.

Speaking of Joshua...I get to go on their first trip with them. I'm pretty stoked about that. Darin called and needed a driver so it's all working out for me to go. It should be fun, we're going to the bay area to work with Habitat for Humanity. So, it's not really vacation because I plan on working hard but it should be grand. I get to see The Bob Mould Band at the Fillmore...Who ever that is. Darin just said to buy the ticket. Shiny Toy Guns is opening for them though and my friend Mikey is the drummer and he's been bugging me to go to one of his shows. Works out well I think.

Now, speaking of shows...I've become addicted to Ticketmaster. I know you can sign up for Ticketmaster to email you about shows and all that but they've failed me so far. I can't depend on their emails so I've been searching a lot lately. I've found an Iron and Wine show this month and since I don't know anyone cool enough around here who likes the music I'm in search of a friend (or friends) who can make it to the Wiltern on the 18th. I also can't wait until the 22nd when I get to see Weezer and the Foo Fighters in Long Beach. I'm mostly excited about Weezer...Okay, I'm amped about Weezer.

I guess I'm done rambling. Oh yeah, this morning there were 4 fire trucks rushing up my street with sirens and everything. Not gonna lie, it made me nervous.

I have a clear sight of the valley now.

The fire has left the rodents homeless. This one tried to get into our office but the door got closed on his face and killed him! What a way to go.

The wind has been kicking up ash and I sound like a 50 year old smoker because I've been breathing it in.

From the church parking lot.

The fire came all the way up to the gate you see in the background.

the entrance to the baseball field and my house.

A fireman was told to get off the hill but he refused to let the cross burn.

Saving our property

across from the church

Here is the baseball field I live by. If you've ever been to my house you know exactly how close this came.

My trailer is at the bottom of this mountain.

Catan Crazy

I've been playing a whole lot of this board game. If you've never played, I'm sorry you're missing out on some great action. But it's probably for the best because you become addicted. It might not be so great for friendships either :) I knew I was crazy when I got evacuated and was sad Settlers of Catan got left in the trailer.

I've got some pictures of the fire damage and the post will come soon. The fire came so stinking close! It was probably 10 or 15 yards from my trailer. It burnt all around our property and it's a little creepy now because the rodents have no place to live. Seriously, the biggest rats are everywhere and I think one got into my trailer last night. Nikki, you still want to visit:)? I'm in the process of extinguishing the smoke smell from my trailer, although it's gonna take a while since it still smells outside. Deep cleaning Monday, here I come!