Where I'd Like to be

Today I wish I was laying on this couch with my books and my journal. I'm sure it would be fantastic.

Superhero Savior

This weekend we studied Luke 19:28 - 48 in church. I'm sure if you've been around the church for a while you've also studied the passage on Palm Sunday. This marks the beginning of "Passion Week" and Jesus' journey to the cross (although his journey really began at birth). Observing the text I think about the excitement and hope the people had, their savior had come! Only he didn't come to do what they thought he was going to do. He wasn't there to pull rank, restore a nation, or be an earthly king. He was there to die a painful, brutal, gory death, so that the world would have the chance at salvation. I immediately thought of the role Jesus plays in my life. He's a bit like a superhero, allowing me to live with the comfort of knowing he's there, fighting my battles and keeping me safe, but sometimes feeling really impersonal and not playing the role I think he should. Lately I've been accusing of God, questioning His character, wondering if He enjoys seeing me struggle and cry nearly everyday. I thought I was trying to reach out and hear from Him. I've been doing the things I should be doing: reading, praying, going to small group, talking to brothers and sisters, and tithing. But yesterday I realized that I wasn't doing the one thing He wanted me to do, trust Him.

After church I headed towards Mission Bay for some quiet time. I read, prayed, wrote in my journal and wrote and wrote :). I went back to the beginning of the year and read a few entries and one thing stuck out. On 1/4 I wrote about a message I heard by Francis Chan asking if we could go through the year, have fun and not be closer to God. OR go through the year with challenges and be closer than ever to God, which would I choose? I confessed fun sounded good but I want to be closer to the Lord, so I'd have to choose the challenges. I didn't know what I was to receive at that time. 2010 has brought illness, cancer scares, surgeries, family conflict, financial hardship. I've been with friends as they battle anxiety, worry, fear, divorce...and March isn't over. But yesterday I was able to rejoice in all that has been and is going on because I'm yearning for time with the Lord.

I know my feelings and situations aren't going to change overnight. Just today I got a letter saying my temp hours at work will be up in a month and it looks like I'll be unemployed for a while. I immediately got tears in my eye, my chest felt heavy and I walked away from my desk. But it took only a minute for me to recognize the opportunity to trust and that's what I'm choosing and it feels good. I also found out today that I got into Rosemead's Clinical Psych program. I have no idea how this is going to work out. It's a good $25,000 + a year. But I have 2 weeks to make a decision and I know this is another chance to seek the Lord. Stay tuned for more.

Soundtrack for 3/29:

Mexico City - Jolie Holland, Save You - Matthew Perryman Jones, Heart on my Sleeve - Michael Johns, Everything's Right - Matt Wertz, Half of my Heart - John Mayer, Can't Fight This Feeling - Glee Cast, You Want This - Janet Jackson, So Excited - Janet Jackson, End of the World - Blake Lewis, Halo - Glee Cast, Bust Your Windows - Glee Cast, Now That You Got It - Gwen Steffani

Food for Thought

30 years ago today...

The Eve of 30

First of all, I did jiu jitsu tonight and now I have icy hot all over my shoulder. Turning 30 sucks.

Secondly, I have AMAZING people in my life who help me realize turning 30 doesn't suck. I'm super blessed with loving family and caring friends who encourage me all the time. I've had some great conversations today that have helped me realize that in the last few days of my 20s I've grown in really amazing ways. I'm planning on carrying this into the 30s. From what I hear from those on the other side, it's pretty darn good.

Book Review 1 - Do Something!

I started the year with a goal of reading a book a month. I think I might average 12 books this year but I'm not meeting my goals yet. I have finished one book, Do Something by Pastor Miles McPherson. I probably only finished this book because I joined a small group and went through the book with them. It was a decent book and really motivating to actually put faith into action. The book had inspiring personal stories from people in the church and great scripture to reinforce putting faith to work. I thought the curriculum that went along with the book was simple, good for some, not for me. I felt myself wanting to dive deeper, maybe it was my group that didn't want to go there, but I felt like the discussions never really went anywhere. I bought the book for $5 and it was worth it, it was an easy, quick read. If you're interested in starting new ministries there are a lot of examples in the book. Overall grade: B-

Answered Prayer

Thursday I was congested and tired but I couldn't help feeling HAPPY as I left work. My mom called to let me know she's cancer free, the BEST thing I could ever hear. I had told Maya that I needed that test to come back negative or I might just fall apart. Thank the Lord for hearing the prayers of His children.

Don't Mess

THIS brought me joy this week.

It's ALMOST here...

Baseball season is upon us. Here's my outfit for opening day. Can you tell I'm not a red sox fan?

La Bonita

I spent all day Saturday with CBB folk, holding interviews for the next cohort. There is something so great and so annoying about being in a room full of counselors all day. By 10 pm I had a headache and had to go (I had been there since 7:45 am). It was from either all the love or all the analyzing that was going on, I'm not sure which. It's always a fun experience though and even though I don't know some of them at all, I feel like the genuine and real Alyssa around them. I allow them to see parts of me that even close friends don't get to see. I say things to them I wouldn't say to random strangers, even though that's what they are. I know it's because they've been through or are going through a similar process I went through and they have an understanding only someone from the program would have. As I thought about my cohort and was reminded of certain people throughout the day I was also reminded of last May and our closing exercises. One of my classmates has a gift I'm envious of. He not only writes poetry but performs spoken word. He brought me to tears with this piece he wrote for me and performed in front of the cohort. I happened to find it today. I thought I'd share, it's too amazing not to.

La Bonita Daddy’s little girl

You came into this world beautiful

The people within it made you feel otherwise

Their disposition was due to blinders and shades

Resilient and amazing

swans cannot be hidden

Like treasure I find you remarkable

Your value undefined

Mona Lisa is jealous

Vango’s and Picasso’s can’t hang in the same room with you

Stars fall from the heavens which cry for you

Because your beauty is far deeper than eyes can see

The night falls because God has kept his eyes on you all day

And his eyelids have betrayed him

He has grown weary

The reason that god made a girl

To be loved and cherished

You carry a sentiment that is far more than intimate

A marathon of love… runner’s high couldn’t match

I snatch you up for myself

But I fear I may be stoned to death

For not sharing you with the rest of the world

I’d crumble like the Berlin wall

The world wouldn’t let me keep you forever

I’d revel in every moment we ever shared

I’d live forever because those moments tattooed between my left ventricle and aorta

Would pump blood fit for immortals

See, hear and take notice

Take ownership of your tribute

Like rivers flowing carrying sustenance to tributaries were the wild are free

Your existence means much more to others than you may dare to imagine

You may be a dream for others maybe to yourself

I command…open your eyes and see you

For you are beauty hidden from yourself by words of selfish ignorance

Sweet decadence

I promise.. you will fall in love with yourself

Just as I have fallen In Love with you… La Bonita.

Update on Mom

Thank you all who prayed for my mom and checked in with me throughout the day. I talked to my mom tonight and she is doing great. She hasn't been sick and is only slightly sore right now (I'm sure that will be different tomorrow) and is in good spirits. She even got to watch Survivor so that made her happier. The doctor said the surgery went well, things seemed to look good but we'll have to wait a week for tests to come back.

Things I love...

It might be trendy now, but I still love that every pair purchased means someone who can't afford shoes gets a pair.

Music has the ability to make me laugh, cry, dance, and fall to my knees.

I love holding hands. There is a security in being so close to someone (yes, even my girl friends) that I can show it affectionately. See previous post.

I'd love to take a class and learn how to make these flowers.

I could sit all day with books and coffee. Of course I do get distracted in coffee shops because I like watching what others are doing. I also really like that coffee cup.

I also loved having a Disneyland Annual Pass. Depending on where I end up in the fall, I might just get another.

I think WAY too much

I can't figure out if Wednesdays make me sad or I'm just jacked up and the long day makes me emotional. For the last three Wednesdays (at least) I've cried at some point in the day and I feel like I have reason to but I wish I didn't feel this way. Today I wanted to just be quiet and hope to keep the tears in. At the same time I wanted someone to ask and really care about what was going on in my head. Thankfully there were a few people throughout the day who checked in with me and didn't mind my tears. A friend asked what I needed and I responded with, "I need something good to happen. And soon." I feel like I've been dealt blow after blow and I'm beat. At the same time I know I have so many things to be thankful for and then I feel guilty for not being as thankful as I should be. Here I go, into my spiral. This is definitely not where I want to be.

I had a realization today that I know is going to benefit me. I was in my bathroom, blow drying my hair and getting ready for work and I had a million thoughts going through my head and I just kept thinking about them. And thinking about them. And dwelling on them. Somehow I had confused thinking about these things as praying about these things. Have you ever done that? It felt like I was really convinced I had surrendered these things to God but I hadn't. Maybe I'll start praying out loud. Anyone have tips, advice, things they do to commit their thoughts to prayer?

Finally, my mom is having surgery tomorrow morning at 11 am. My family and I would love your prayers in this scary time. We keep saying we'll be okay no matter what but the truth is, I don't know if I can handle bad news. She's having a lump removed from her left breast and then we wait for results on what that lump is, if it's anything at all.

Soundtrack while writing: Go it Alone - Beck, Acorn Factory - The Dodos, Technicolor - Nurses, Leap - The Cave Singers, Oh the Vampyre - A.A. Bondy, Comets - Fanfarlo, Nothing Ever Happened - Deerhunter.

Keith Olbermann Comments on Racism

My mom said something to me last week that I've been thinking a lot about. We were talking about the happenings at UCSD and the fear some have with the racist acts going on and she made a comment about me not having to worry about that stuff. And it struck me, my mom doesn't see me as a Mexican-American woman. I get that I'm her daughter and that's how she views me but I certainly don't look like her and I certainly don't experience the world the same way she does. It's made me think a lot. Maybe too much. Anyway, I got this video passed on to me today by a woman I highly admire and respect, Dr. Maria Nieto-Senour.