I need a bigger heart or something...

I tried to post over the weekend but blogger wouldn't let me so the bathroom junk is fixed and actually I'm moving again. This time they can move my entire house without me even moving my stuff. How great is that? Maybe I'll live in a trailer for the rest of my life so I'll never have to deal with moving my junk again.

I've been reading a lot lately. A lot of scripture, a lot of books, a lot of your blogs. Life wants to overwhelm me. On Sunday in the college group Mike wanted us to evaluate our sin and be broken and come to the table of communion. I couldn't go. Not because I'm not broken over my sin but because I felt like I had to do some pleading with God. I've been loving, trusting and trying harder than I ever have and yet I'm continually knocked down. I just sat and cried before my Father. Why is my family life crappy? Why can't I love Him more? Why can't I show more compassion?

My mom has had it hard lately. Her husband isn't loving her, caring for her or even trying. She has to have surgery today on both hands for carpal tunnel, her pinky is being cut to the first joint because of cancer. She's in pain, physically, emotionally, spiritually and I feel like there's nothing I can do. My mom doesn't know God the way I do and yet she's so strong and I question Him everyday! Why?

I look at people around me and I want to love them so much. I want to give all that I am and all that I have. I want them to see that and want that from me. I hear from some of you and I wish I could put my arms around you and show you how much I care. I want to give so much more but I feel like I have nothing to give. Maybe I just need a bigger heart or something.