My Life

I passed my professional qualifying exam in May! I only cried once and sweated through one dress. I guess that's success. Once it was officially announced I had passed, my supervisor asked how I would celebrate. That hadn't really crossed my mind, but then she said these words: "passing proqual means we put our stamp of approval on you. We trust you enough to handle clients on your own. We're basically saying, you're ready for internship." Ready for internship...

So, I'm applying for internship now! This semester I'm taking 2 classes, practicum, teaching some labs, working at the counseling center, pretending to be working on my doctoral paper, and trying to have a social life. I've also decided to volunteer with the high school ministry at church, which I'll try and write a different post about. And I'm taking on internship applications. Much like everything else in grad school, this is a beastly, expensive process, which could end up taking me very far from So Cal, the only place I've really called home. It's weird to look at my list of sites and think I could end up in DC or Georgia, New York, Florida, Washington, Missouri, or Texas, to name a few states. Maybe it will be Santa Barbara, San Diego, or L.A.? I'll know in February. 

Lastly, I'll leave you with some dating stories. It's been so, so interesting doing this online dating thing. I hate it. I'm about to give it up and wipe my profile from the many sites I've been using. I've met some nice guys, but there has always been something missing. The only one I really had interest in being with was the one who I posted about in April. Even though he broke it off we never stopped talking for much longer than 3 weeks. And actually, we saw one another again last week. He's still seeing someone but I think this was our attempt at becoming friends. I don't think that's gonna work for me. Anyway, the last few dates have been with guys who really are only looking for sex so those haven't gone so well. I did have a "date" a few weeks ago with a guy who asked me to coffee but our "date" never left the parking lot we met in. We literally stood by our cars in the parking lot and talked for 20 minutes. I just kept thinking, get me out of here! Then he texted me that night to say he had so much fun with me and wanted to go out again. When I told him I wasn't interested his response was, "Me either! Ciao!" Okay, dude. On to the next one...

"Dear pillow, sorry for the tears. Dear heart, sorry for the damage. Dear brain, you were right." Author Unknown

This week has been an emotional mess for me. I'm pretty overwhelmed by the fact that I have 4 major papers/projects/assignments due in the next 3 weeks and am expected to have a first draft of my dissertation done in 2 weeks (that's not happening). I also am in the middle of my professional qualifying exam, which a beast in itself. I know I've said this before, but it's weird to think I'm nearly done with my doctorate program and moving into a place where I won't have major evaluations of my work as a psychologist in training anymore. Soon I'll just be a psychologist.

I was running for Student Government President, but lost that election. I was bummed. I decided to run for another position, which I won this week. I'm excited. I'm running for a state wide position soon and maybe I can post more about that in the weeks to come. I've come to recognize the importance and my passion for advocating and growing in my profession. This is my small way of contributing.

As many of you know, I've decided to take on new adventures in my personal life as well. Yup, I started online dating. Don't ask me why I decided now would be a good time to start dating because then I'd have to explain my masochistic personality structure and well, it's taken me a long time to understand the basics to psychodynamic theory and I'm afraid this post would get too long and boring to non-psychology nerds. Anyway, I started this journey in early February with the first guy I started talking to. We met, had dinner, continued to talk, planned more dates, went on more dates, and had fun. I met other guys, had more dates, continued to talk to more potential dates, and even began saying no to dates. I never thought that would happen. But it did and all the while I was analyzing the situations and trying to find what felt right and best for me. There have been some really great guys and some real lame-os, but I kept consistent with one in particular. Well, he broke things off with me this week. Through a text message while I was at work no less. I was completely caught off guard. I cried through my lunch break and tried to pull myself together for my afternoon clients. I've cried every day since, but for different reasons and emotions. Friday was probably most cathartic cry because I was able to cry for 45 minutes with my own therapist. I realize this is part of the dating process, but it's not fun. The title of this post was a quote I came across and I felt like it summed up my week because deep in my gut I knew things weren't right. Even though I gave him multiple opportunities to be straight with me, he decided not to take them and instead dropped a bomb on me. So now I'm trying to not let this situation reinforce all of the junk I've worked so hard in therapy to get through; ideas like I'm not lovable, shouldn't need anyone, and can't trust others in relationship. I know those are lies and this guy isn't deserving of any part of me, but I can't help but wish he would've chosen me instead of someone else.

A Promise Kept

This week I had the chance to talk to my dear friend Mel. She's been doing big things with her life, like presenting at conferences and meeting Vice President Biden. She's a big deal. Anyway, I love her and miss her and told her I'd blog. I've had a lot of ideas for posts but never seem to get them from my head to my keyboard and onto the internet. I thought I'd start tonight by telling about my recent trip to Nassau, Bahamas. 

The wonderful students I had the joy of spending my week with. They were hilarious, fun, genuine, and caring. It was refreshing for my soul and relational self to be with them. L to R: Samantha, April, Todd, Jackie, Lara, Alyssa, Brian

Nassau was beautiful and it was so fun to get lost downtown and take in another part of the world. I really was there for school, but I was able to have a lot of fun too.

It started during the summer, when my Director of Clinical Training (DCT) called me and asked if I wanted to present at this conference (NCSPP). He told me what would be required of me and some of the details. He saved the best part for last: it was in the Bahamas. Duh, who wouldn't say yes? I kind of put it on the back burner for a while since I knew it wasn't until January but once December hit, I couldn't wait to go. I was nervous for many reasons and had so many worries. I wondered if the other students I would be with were going to be nice (my expectations were exceeded here). I wondered why Rosemead would ask me to represent our school on an international stage. I wondered if I would say or do something stupid.

The time came & here is my view from the stage. We presented on the importance of mentoring and safe relationships between faculty and graduate students in professional psychology. It was so empowering for me to be able to do something like this and to do it successfully.

When I got home I had a meeting with my DCT about upcoming practicum applications and placements. We got to talking about NCSPP and the MANY things I learned and took away, like the importance of advocacy, the way we do relationships in graduate training programs, and MAYBE my interest in some day becoming a faculty member at a doctoral training program. That last one is BIG for me. I never wanted to be in academia, but I see the potential impact I could have on future psychology students. Anyway, my DCT told me some of the reasons I had been chosen to go to NCSPP and it was encouraging, uplifting, and just incredibly nice. He talked about my reputation at school and how highly I'm regarded by my peers and faculty. He told me I had wisdom to share with others and an open, graceful way that could impact many. He called me a culture changer and said he believes I will do well in life and in our profession. If you know my DCT, you know what an honor it is to hear him speak so candidly and forthright. All that to say, I think my 3rd year has shaped up to be pretty great. It's weird to think I'm so close to my last year at Rosemead and then I'll head out to collect my hours & return as Dr. Aguilar.

Here I am!

I honestly didn't know it had been so long since I've written. My apologies to my 2 followers :)

2nd year is done! Comprehensive exams are done (as of now. Hopefully in 2 weeks I'll get a letter saying I've passed them all & I won't need to worry about retaking any of them)! So, here are some highlights:

passed my 2nd year evaluation. finished my last semester with all As. was called by my 1st choice practicum site on Uniform Notification Day (I'll be at the VA in Long Beach next year). got hired as a staff therapist, so now I'm getting paid to see clients! went through physical therapy for my sciatic problems, had great results & can touch my toes again & get out of bed without pain radiating through my body.

Now I have a few weeks off, with the exception of some client hours. I feel the need to sleep a lot and my introverted personality really wants to hide in my room. At the same time, I'd love to see friends and hang out. Friends, please don't let me hide these next 4 weeks. Call me & let's get together!

The Gift of Being Yourself

"The mystery of the Christian gospel is that our deepest, truest self is not what we think of as our own self but 'the self that is one with the Risen and Deathless Christ in whom all are fulfilled.' In Christian spiritual transformation, the self that embarks on the journey is not the self that arrives.  The self that begins the spiritual journey is the self of our own creation, the self we thought ourselves to be.  This is the self that dies on the journey.  The self that arrives is the self that was loved into existence by Divine Love.  This is the person you were destined from eternity to become - the I that is hidden in the 'I AM.'" - David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself (2004)

17 Years Later

Tomorrow marks 17 years since I sat in Ponderosa Chapel at Hume Lake Christian Camps and gave my life to God.  17 years since I promised to take up my cross and follow Jesus.  I admit I haven't done it perfectly or consistently, but I rest in knowing I serve a loving, forgiving God who seeks after me, finds me where I've wandered to, and brings me back to Him.  In my theology class this semester we've been talking about creation, God's providence. and Jesus' presence in this world.  I've been so thankful for my formal education and being able to study this with a fantastic professor who is truly humble & hilarious (he's also a tall, nerdy white boy...You catching my drift, Veronica?).  I'm also thankful for my informal education in these matters.  God has been prompting me over and over to just stop and listen to Him.  I use school as an excuse to not do this very often, but I'm convicted.  So, as we begin lent, I've decided to 1. Give up drive thrus (I've gained so much weight in grad school); 2. Read through a devotional every day.  I hope to post about what I'm learning more often, but don't hold me to it :)  I've also seen all these photo of the day challenges and think this might be fun to do too...hopefully in March, you'll SEE more of my world :)

2nd Year Eval

Not long after I began studying in my current program did I begin to hear about the dreaded 2nd year eval.  There were horror stories.  Stories of people getting immediately kicked out, put on some sort of academic discipline, or given very critical and negative feedback.  I didn't hear any stories about students being praised, encouraged, or supported.  All this chatter stirred up anxiety in me and my fellow classmates.  So, as 2nd year eval approached, I tried to tell myself that thus far there hasn't been any critiques of my job as a student and I shouldn't be too worried.  That helped...a little.  2nd year eval came & went yesterday and you know what? It was great! The committee of faculty gave me tons of encouragement and positive feedback.  They told me they liked me and to keep on trekking towards my degree.  One faculty told me she appreciated my consistent, dependent, and calming demeanor.  Another told me that everyone who has interacted with me has thought highly of me.  They appreciate my professionalism and maturity.  They are excited to see what happens with my career and where I decide to go after graduation.  It put a smile on my face at 7:45 am.  Around 6 pm I found out I wouldn't be allowed to apply to my 1st choice practicum site, which bummed me out.  Thankfully I had friends to celebrate the positive with last night.  It feels like it's already been such a long week, but I'm looking forward to Friday now when another hurdle is placed before me...practicum applications.  I'll keep you posted, friends!