"You're a Beast!"

I don't think girls really like to be called beastly. Today I was thinking maybe I should just embrace the beast-like tendencies I have. Last week in class we looked at different scales of gender, sexuality, gender identity, and gender expression. To me, the gender part seemed pretty clear but I guess it always isn't. The other areas were a bit hard to look at. I've realized a lot of the social constructs that play into my identity and expression and while I am, feel and express myself as a woman, I am somewhat of a tomboy. I've always done the things the boys do. This is partly because I grew up with brothers, nearly all boy cousins, and had to play baseball with the boys from the time I was 5 until I went to high school. Sometimes I'm proud of my strength (have you done a complete 26.2 marathon or leg press 270 pounds?) and other times I'm embarrassed (I've been told have the perfect shoulders to be a line backer) but I've found a few new hobbies. I'm doing this with women but they're definitely male dominated sports, boxing and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I'm mostly looking forward to being able to defend myself against my brothers, although Robbie knows a lot of submissions already. In a weird way it's also making me very comfortable with my body and with others.

The Way I See It #141

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, 'Hi.' They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word." -Augusten Burroughs

I'm sure you've seen these on the Starbucks coffee cups. I got this cup last Saturday. Vinh, Maria and I were headed to Aaron's and stopped to get coffee and as I read the cup I thought about the upcoming week. This was going to be an intense week, full of me putting myself out there in new ways and with new people.

I had told myself I was going to go to church but I hadn't decided where I was going to go, so I was guessing I probably wasn't going to actually do it. I've had a lot of excuses for not going to church. After a conversation with a friend who served in missions for a time, I realized he was telling me the hard truth. Churches will disappoint and people will fail you but God is constant and good and wants me to be in a relationship with Him and His people. So I went to a new church and it was difficult. I wanted to immediately turn around and leave. I felt completely alone in this crowded room. I sat with that feeling and didn't really like the music but once the pastor started to teach, I was digging it. He taught with such conviction, passion and honesty. I loved it. After the teaching the music started again and they played this song that I know only through Everybody Duck, which brought back a lot of memories. So, church was good and bad and I'll go back Sunday because it was the first message in a new series and I'm interested in hearing what else is coming through the teaching.

Monday my client didn't show and I was bummed, but it allowed us more time to "do work" as it's called in the CBB circle. My supervisor has really challenged me to look at why I won't dare touch the subject of intimacy, sexuality, sex and relationships. I haven't told him why I don't want to work on it but I know he knows. It would be some really hard work. I brought it up on Monday night and the conversation went in a completely different direction then I thought it would and I didn't really get any work done. But I did come away with wondering why these issues are largely addressed in the church when it pertains to marriage. Why don't we have more open and honest conversations about these things? I still have a lot of work to do.

I was in an accident on Wednesday and this has thrown my entire week out of whack. It's getting worked out and it was the other guy's fault but insurance companies are a pain in the ass.

I haven't had a date in like 6 years. It's a little sad sometimes...other times I'm extremely grateful I only have to deal with my crap. But Thursday night I had 30 dates and it was a blast. I went speed dating. One guy asked me why I would choose this speed dating thing. I told him because I had multiple personalities and thought this would be the easiest thing for me. He laughed and I didn't care if he thought I was crazy. Then I told him I really was just curious about the whole thing and he said the same was true for him. So, I met a lot of interesting guys and some that I would go on a real date with but we'll see what happens. So there I am, putting myself out there a little more.

There is a lot more going on with me but since this has turned into a novel, I'll leave it at this.

P.S. I've begun my training for the San Diego Marathon and I'm possibly beginning Ju Jitsu classes. Ultimate Fighter, here I come. I actually just want to be able to defend myself around my brothers.

Tracks that played while writing: Single Ladies, Beyonce; Witness Blues, A.A. Bondy; She Moves in Her Own Way, The Kooks; La Vie Boheme, Rent; When the World Stops Turning, Matt Pryor; Get Back, Ludacris; You and Me, Lifehouse; 99 Problems, Jay Z; Must be Nice, Lyfe Jennings; Necessito, Some Girls

ABDC

I like watching TV online instead of writing papers.  Today I caught up on America's Best Dance Crew.  I really like Quest Crew because of their style and two of the crew members were on So You Think You Can Dance and I loved them there.  Check out Quest Crew.

I cried...

I thought Joshua (02-03) was my year for crying but I think CBB has been record breaking.  I cried again today.  This time it wasn't because I was sad, lonely, hurt, or even frustrated.  I cried because I was mad.  I was so pissed by classmates who were acting in a selfish and immature way and I had to call them out on it.  Why do people have to be like this!?  

Listening to: Two of Those Too, Maria Taylor

Quick Update

I had every intention of posting a complete update but I also had intentions of doing homework and that didn't get done either.  I'm about to run out of the house to go to class and see clients until 9 pm, so here's the low down.

I've been feeling a bit sad, lonely, unmotivated.  Now, before you start to think I'm depressed, I'm not.  I'm trying to allow myself to feel these negative emotions because I'm so used to picking myself up and moving on as fast as possible from this hurting place.  I realize the things bringing on these emotions aren't issues I can just put a band-aid over and hope it heals.  This is gonna take work and luckily I have a therapist who is encouraging me to feel this but remember what great work I'm doing.  

I've also been fighting a cold for nearly a week.  I hardly ever get "sick" thanks to my super immune system.  Too bad my system fights itself too.  I was doing physical therapy for an inflamed shoulder and it's been getting better but this morning when I was doing a shoulder press set I knew I needed to stop.  And I did, which I was proud of because usually I push through the pain and that's how you hurt yourself.  

I'm trying new things this month.  Maybe I'll tell you about that later.  But these are big things, trying to be different in my environment to see what happens. 

What I'm listening to: I hate this part, Pussy Cat Dolls