This week has been an emotional mess for me. I'm pretty overwhelmed by the fact that I have 4 major papers/projects/assignments due in the next 3 weeks and am expected to have a first draft of my dissertation done in 2 weeks (that's not happening). I also am in the middle of my professional qualifying exam, which a beast in itself. I know I've said this before, but it's weird to think I'm nearly done with my doctorate program and moving into a place where I won't have major evaluations of my work as a psychologist in training anymore. Soon I'll just be a psychologist.
I was running for Student Government President, but lost that election. I was bummed. I decided to run for another position, which I won this week. I'm excited. I'm running for a state wide position soon and maybe I can post more about that in the weeks to come. I've come to recognize the importance and my passion for advocating and growing in my profession. This is my small way of contributing.
As many of you know, I've decided to take on new adventures in my personal life as well. Yup, I started online dating. Don't ask me why I decided now would be a good time to start dating because then I'd have to explain my masochistic personality structure and well, it's taken me a long time to understand the basics to psychodynamic theory and I'm afraid this post would get too long and boring to non-psychology nerds. Anyway, I started this journey in early February with the first guy I started talking to. We met, had dinner, continued to talk, planned more dates, went on more dates, and had fun. I met other guys, had more dates, continued to talk to more potential dates, and even began saying no to dates. I never thought that would happen. But it did and all the while I was analyzing the situations and trying to find what felt right and best for me. There have been some really great guys and some real lame-os, but I kept consistent with one in particular. Well, he broke things off with me this week. Through a text message while I was at work no less. I was completely caught off guard. I cried through my lunch break and tried to pull myself together for my afternoon clients. I've cried every day since, but for different reasons and emotions. Friday was probably most cathartic cry because I was able to cry for 45 minutes with my own therapist. I realize this is part of the dating process, but it's not fun. The title of this post was a quote I came across and I felt like it summed up my week because deep in my gut I knew things weren't right. Even though I gave him multiple opportunities to be straight with me, he decided not to take them and instead dropped a bomb on me. So now I'm trying to not let this situation reinforce all of the junk I've worked so hard in therapy to get through; ideas like I'm not lovable, shouldn't need anyone, and can't trust others in relationship. I know those are lies and this guy isn't deserving of any part of me, but I can't help but wish he would've chosen me instead of someone else.
