Some of What I Needed

Saturday was what I needed. I got up and boxed with Mel, something I've been missing BIG time. Although, she still won't spar with me. I don't get it :) We worked out, chatted for a bit and said our see ya laters. I came home, showered and got ready for my favorite family in San Diego: THE DRAKES! After such a rough week I was craving some family time and they're the closest I have here in San Diego (along with Peter and Maya) and so we all had dinner together and just hung out. Once I got home and collected my mail that night I saw a letter from my doctor's office. I thought it was another random survey that they seem to send me every time I go to their office and almost blew it off. As I sat on my couch and started to unwind I opened the mail and it turns out what I got was a letter from the lab. It said that my initial test was negative for cancer and that while sometimes there are false negatives, I will have follow up from my doctor. It was a relief to say the least. And I had just had blood tests done for my rhuematologist and knew my white blood cells were in the healthy range which also brought some ease. It's still a waiting game for the MRI but I'm not as scared. I know this peace isn't just from my results, but from my time in the Word of God, the prayers, love, and support from my friends and family. I know many women deal with these things, but that doesn't make it easier. Thanks for your understanding and for just allowing me to be me, whatever emotional state that might be at the time.

It's not good when the doctor calls

**WARNING: some of this material is regarding feminine issues. Not explicit but you get the point.**

I was almost off of work but I couldn't take the phone call from an 858 number I didn't know. Once off work I listened to the message and heard my doctor's nurse telling me to call her about my test results from Monday. I knew it couldn't be good if they were calling, especially so soon. Last Friday I saw my doctor because I've been having a period about every two weeks. For some of you less educated on women, that isn't normal. My doctor asked some questions, checked on some stuff and ordered me to the hospital on Monday. He also took me off of one of my medications for lupus because a side effect is bleeding and wanted to see how that I responded to that.

Monday I anxiously got into my fly looking hospital gown and matching robe, hopped on an ultrasound table and had an internal and external test done. It was uncomfortable, sometimes painful and scary because the technician kept making faces, marking things on the screen, going back and forth, back and forth. It took longer than they said it would and when he said he wanted to take additional pictures I knew something was up but quickly excused it for something else. On a side note: it's totally unfair that they make you drink so much water before this exam, don't allow you to pee, and then proceed to press into your bladder.

Wednesday the call came. The nurse said there were abnormalities on both ovaries and in the uterus and it could be a number of things. She mentioned a few, cysts, fibroids, something starting with an E, and then said, "or something else." My mind immediately filled that with CANCER and fast forwarded not to my funeral but to me never being able to conceive. Even when I was diagnosed with lupus I wasn't scared about the dying part, it was the bullet point that said I might never be able to carry a child to full term that made me sob in the hospital lobby. Even though I'm not a girly girl or even have a completely traditional view of what my life should or would look like as a woman, I still long to be a mom. I know, I'm jumping to conclusions and even if having my own children is never a possibility there are options. But it's what's scaring me the most right now.

Yesterday morning I meditated on 2 Corinthians 5. Not because of this but because of another heartbreak I was feeling but this was so applicable to the afternoon too. It's a reminder that I long for heaven and eternity with my Father because He has paid an incredible price for me, his beloved.

Next comes more pokes, prods, and tests. I have to wait for my insurance to allow me to have an MRI to have a better idea of what is going on inside me. I guess this is never news you want to hear but it makes it much harder being a month away from my doctorate program beginning, moving out of San Diego and to La Mirada, and losing my insurance in August because my benefits came through work. I could use some prayer.

Marisela is the BEST!

The last 2 weeks have been horrible. I really mean horrible. I've had new health issues come up, been stressed, sad, and angry. I've tried to stay positive, diving into prayer and the Word. It's just one of those times where you know God is with you and He won't disappoint you but situations just suck and you wonder how much more you can take. In my last post I said I wanted one of these. Marisela delivered. I love her a lot. Not just because she brought me a baseball mickey candy apple but because she's always been an encouraging, supportive, and honest friend. And she knows how to cheer me up :) Thanks Mars!

I'm having a not so fun procedure done on Monday at a hospital in San Diego. If you all think about it, please pray this will give my doctor some insight as to what is happening to me. It's not really a great time to find new issues with my body. I have fantastic doctors here in San Diego and I don't know what will happen to my health care once I leave UCSD. It's all kinda scary.

All Stars in CA

In honor of the MLB All Star game taking place tomorrow in Anaheim, Disneyland is making these candy apples. And I want one.

My Anxious Thoughts

While filing away papers today I had A LOT of time to think (there was A LOT of filing). I’ve had many things on my mind and I finally felt the anxiety that’s been brewing. My breath got shorter, my stomach started to turn, and I really felt the emotions inside myself. I’ve been wondering how this school thing is going to work out. I’ve got the financial aid to pay for it, just not to live off it. I need to figure money out…not a fun subject to talk or think about. But I’ve tried to not worry about it because the Lord provides EVERYTIME. I guess its money on top of moving (and not knowing where I’m going to live), and giving up training…the list of things that have me anxious could go on. The other BIG thing on my mind and causing some intense emotions involves having to say goodbye to friends (some probably forever). During CBB we spent two weeks saying goodbye to one another, now I have limited or no time to say my goodbyes. I’m hesitant to accept that some of my relationships here will change. I love boxing with Mel, sometimes seeing one another 5 days a week. I like Peter, Maya, Maria, Ian, and Brian calling me for random meals or just time together. I’m sad to move further from the Drakes, especially with a baby girl on the way and Ethan growing so fast. I’m a bit sad to leave the people at the gym, and the new people I’ve just started to get to know in the last couple of weeks at church. And even though AJ is also going to LA, I know we won’t see each other much and by the time I blink he’ll be back in San Diego. Yeah…I guess I don’t do change very well.