A Day of Travel

It's weird to completely miss a day when travelling. I left LAX on Saturday night, flew for 13 hours, and got off in New Zealand on Monday morning at 5:30 am. We got to the airport super early for our flight. Not knowing what LA traffic would be like on a holiday weekend we played it safe. We had no problems with traffic or security so we were 3 hours early to our gate. We grabbed dinner and watched the Laker game so time went by quickly. I even ran into a friend from San Diego who was on his way to Paris so we got to chat for a while. I always like when friends from different parts of my life get to meet one another so my San Diego world and Hume world connected at LAX :)

The flight wasn't the most comfortable flight. It was 13 hours in a hot, stuffy airplane. There was a demon child sitting in front of me too and for some reason his mom thought he needed his seat all the way back for most of the flight. Not very comfy but I did get to watch 3 entire movies so it wasn't all bad. I have a hard time sleeping in planes and usually can't do it unless I take drugs. Unfortunately my drugs were in my bag overhead and I couldn't reach them so I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours total. I finally decided to give up on sleep after I woke up sweating and the boy in front of me had stood up in his chair, turned around to face me and was screaming his head off. My first instinct was to punch the kid but then I realized he was a red head and felt bad for him.

Once I was through immigration and collecting my bag I noticed a man walking around with a dog, trained in sniffing out contraband. Guess who's bag the dog jumped up on first. That's right, yours truly. He was a small dog so he couldn't really reach my backpack and the officer with him asked me to put it on the ground. The dog was sure there was something in there so the officer asked if I had any fruit or meat or had carried fruit or meat recently. I said no but Jen quickly reminded me I had a banana and orange at LAX. I said I got rid of the contraband in LA and after he looked through my bag he cleared me. I just thought it was humorous that I was the one being questioned.

So I haven't slept but maybe 4 hours in the last 36 and I'm not doing too bad now. Earlier I thought I was gonna pass out mid conversation but I'm holding out til 9pm tonight. Auckland is amazingly gorgeous and I've seen a lot of it already because we went to the top of One Tree Hill (the park not the show) and Mt. Eden and had a 360 view of the city. I can't wait for more cafes, exploring, and bungee jumping.

Bummer Dude

I found out today I'm not getting unemployment. At least not for a few weeks, if at all. Big time bummer. I'm left in a weird spot because I feel like I have a lot to figure out but the timing just stinks. Oh well, I guess I'll just go on vacation :)

I'm leaving on Saturday for New Zealand. I'm super excited. It's definitely one of my top 5 places I MUST visit. I'm also glad I get to go with Jennifer E. Turner. We met at Hume Lake and were even roommates for a while. She would make me get up at 5 am to do pilates with her and I would get up, get on the ground, and usually fall back asleep. Except I would wake up when the roll like a ball exercise came on. I liked that one. She lives in Central Cali now and I don't get to see her as often as I would like but we ALWAYS have a good time together. Even if it's sitting around in our pajamas, drinking coffee, and making up stories. Guaranteed laughter and honesty in all of our conversations.

Don't let the make up fool you. We know how to get down. In fact, we were dancers for the Hume Lake fall conference openers. Yes ladies, we danced with Rich Baker.

This was taken at one of the many weddings we've attended (but it's special because it was right before Sarah Slavich became Sarah Richter). Now she's a photographer so she has to go to lots more weddings than I do.

Feelings

"The problem is that, because of sin, our feelings can lead us astray. And when I start to let the way I feel dictate how I behave, my life becomes a selfish, misdirected, mess."

"Instead of letting my actions be dictated by my feelings, I have to act based on the truth of God’s character and expectation for me as revealed in scripture."

I don't know where I read these quotes but I keep coming back to them. I like these quotes and I don't like them at the same time. Is this possible? I guess so because that's how I feel. Or am I being misdirected? Anyway, something to chew on.

Trading my Sorrows

My days have become really confused and meshed together. On Monday I swore over and over it was Tuesday. Good thing it's really only going to be Tuesday because I have a lot to get done before leaving for New Zealand.

I've been out of work for going on two weeks now. It's been a roller coaster for me. On one hand it's great to take a break, have time to myself and rest. I've been in and out of lupus flares for the last 6 months and in great physical pain for the last 2. Tomorrow I get to see my specialist and I'm gonna demand he shoot me up with some good stuff to bring this inflammation down. I just know 13 hours on a plane isn't going to be comfortable in my present condition. On the other hand I feel a bit useless and worthless being out of work. I had an unexpected dinner with a group of my cohort members from CBB tonight and it brought up a lot of stuff for me. As we sat around and had REALLY good food, we also chit chatted about what's been going on. It suddenly turned into us sitting in a circle, checking in with one another and really spilling the beans on life. I miss that. I miss having people check in, listen and really care about where I'm at. I miss doing that for other people.

While we were sitting there it was a bittersweet moment. It struck us that we've been out of CBB for a year now. It was also a time to remember Denny Ollerman, a long time educator in the CBB program. He passed away this morning and the impact he had on all of us, even without knowing him very well, was tremendous. He will be missed greatly and my heart goes out to his family, whom I care for deeply.

Being in the circle again made me think about what I was like in CBB, some of the work I did with my therapist and steps I've taken this year. In all honesty, it took me a while to even acknowledge I had done any good in the last year. The critical voice in my head I've been learning to control has been running rampant lately with lies. I was focused on what I didn't have to show instead of on ways I developed in the last year. It's hard. To feel like I've made progress when it seems like I don't have tangible things to show for it. But it felt good to acknowledge to these friends that I've done some growing, work, and pushing forward. I was feeling insecure about not having a steady job to show I'm doing something with my Master's degree that I didn't give credit to the fact that I've been accepted into a doctorate program for the fall. In talking about relationships I felt like I had failed because the man I was interested in didn't feel the same way about me. But I didn't give myself credit for actually being vulnerable, honest, and open to the possibility with another person. I didn't write off being close to someone like I normally would and I sought the Lord in the excitement, disappointment, and unknown. I felt weak admitting I was in physical pain but when I think about what I live through every day, I don't know if anyone else could endure this and that makes me feel strong. So it's been up and down and I continue to struggle against myself, my thoughts, and my comfort zone. I try to push through with the hope that my new experiences will teach me something, be it good or bad. I hold on to the hope that the Lord Jesus Christ gives and the promises from a Father who loves me more than I can even imagine. While I sat with my friends, laughed and cried, I couldn't help but think about the joy that comes in the morning.

In the crowd...

I finished my first temp gig. It was only supposed to last for 6 weeks but ended up running 8 months long. I'm super thankful for the opportunity to work in the office I was in. I made some really fantastic and life long friends. As I was getting ready to leave the position I realized that for the last 8 months, work was where I felt most full. It was where I had most of my meaningful interactions with people and some really thought provoking, challenging, and funny conversations. It kinda makes me sad to think I get that at work and not really anywhere else in my life on a regular basis (with the exception of a few people here and there). It also made me nervous knowing that I was going to be out of a job, home alone, and have time on my hands to think about all the things I try to not think about.

So far I've been very happy with my time away from work and not sad or scared like I anticipated. I know that's only because of God's great provision and protection in every way. There is the possibility I'll be heading back to campus for another job. It's better pay and would run just up to the time I'd move for school. I might not get it due to my trip planned soon but I know it isn't too much to ask for. He ALWAYS proves faithful.

When I started this post last week I had something else on my mind. Maybe I'll share that later, but for now, this is where I am.

Super Random

I decided to go to New Zealand in two weeks...for two weeks. I don't know what made me do it. It's so not something I would do, just make a decision like this. But I did and it feels crazy exciting. I'm going to try and enjoy it instead of thinking about the ways I should have or could have spent the money more responsibly. It was a super cheap flight and I have a free place to crash. Why not go? You can come too if you get on this hot deal from Air New Zealand now. Do it. Now.

Note to self

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed” - Unknown

Sometimes I wish I would keep my mouth shut. Instead, I usually dig myself deeper into a pit I can only laugh myself out of.

Book Review 3 - Celebration of Discipline

"The Spiritual Disciplines are an inward and spiritual reality, and the inner attitude of the heart is far more crucial than the mechanics of coming into the reality of the spiritual life."

Every Christian who is serious about their faith needs to read this book. Foster does an excellent job breaking down spiritual disciplines and explaining the relevance of each practice. Some of my favorite chapters were on fasting, submission, worship, and celebration. I know that if I consistently put these lessons into practice my relationship with the Lord will be taken to new and intimate places. Even while reading through the book I could see how thinking on these things was drawing me closer to God and that is what I desire.

Overall Grade: A+

Walk for Lupus Now!

The cutest walker

Some of Team Alyzzle

My amazing support

May is Lupus Awareness month. This weekend I recruited some friends to walk/run along with me and raise money for the Lupus Foundation of America (LFA). It was the first time I've participated in this event and it was only recently I became aware of the LFA but they do a lot of work to raise awareness as well as money for research and support for people with lupus. It felt good to be able to contribute and I was a little surprised by all those who joined my team. Brian, Ian, and I ran the 3 miles and came in first. We didn't win anything but it felt good to run. I may have over done it though, I got very tired on Saturday afternoon and was having a hard time even moving from my couch. I went to bed on Saturday night and slept for 15 hours. I've spent Sunday on my couch and used most of my energy doing dishes and then came back to the couch. If you have a few minutes I would love some prayer. I haven't been feeling so great but I've also been under some stress. I have 10 days of work left and I'm not sure what comes next. My mom said I could move back in for a few months because she knows I'm out in August :) I'll keep you posted...