Loneliness & Boredom

I went away to Big Bear last weekend with our college group from church. It was a rough trip for me because of how I was feeling, the amount of school work that needed to get done, and my lack of motivation. Saturday morning I broke down in tears. I knew it would happen, I just didn't want anyone to see it. It was humbling to not have a place to go and hide and cry my eyes out, but God taught me a good lesson in that moment. He reminded me that I needed to be vulnerable and that I needed to allow others to care for me. I was able to share just a bit of what has been going on with me with some of the girls in my group and I realized that as their leader, I felt like a failure. I mean, I was supposed to be the one with my act together. I was supposed to counsel them and let them cry. But here I was, needing people to process with. While I didn't get into my whole story, I see how it brought me closer to the body of Christ and that deserves a whole mess of praise.

It's still hard, I'm still not feeling well. That on top of a boring load of reading I have to do has made me more than irritable, I've been angry a lot. I told my mom I was looking for a therapist and she didn't understand. Lately it feels like nobody does and that's exactly why I need a therapist :) I'm only slightly joking here. But I wait and hope and try to look forward to what's to come. One thing I am excited about: MOVING!!!

Where's my healing?

Mark 10:46-52

Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

The sermon this Sunday was on this passage. They were talking about it with a missions perspective and I found it challenging to think about the ways I follow (or don't) after Jesus and the expectations I have for our relationship. I know there is one great fear I have in following Him and I really have been praying through this in the past 2 days.

I'm also wrestling with this passage from a different perspective. Most of you know, I have been living with lupus for the last 3 years (it seems like so much longer) and have had my ups and downs with the disease. Right now I'm on a downward slope, feeling achy in my hands, feet, and back. Being so tired I could literally fall asleep one minute and then finally getting in bed only to toss and turn for hours. It's a pain in the ass right now. So while reading this I think about Bartimaeus shouting out to Jesus and being given what he asked for, sight. I've prayed for Jesus to heal me. To take away the uncertainty of this disease, to give me a body that is able to train for marathons, compete in jiu jitsu tournaments, and not require 10 hours of sleep at a time. I've prayed for the emotional mess that comes with a chronic illness to be taken from me. But it's still here and I wonder, am I calling loud enough? Am I lacking in faith? Belief? I know I'm not perfect but I know God can heal me, so why doesn't he? While I feel like I'm in the deep dark of something, I also am reminded that God works for His glory. So, while I don't understand this right now, there has to be His glory in it somewhere. It's just tough accept tonight.

Humbled

Today I was at the counseling center and noticed they failed to put the M.A. after my name on my name plate. It really bothered me and I had to stop for a minute and evaluate why. I think part of it is because others have their M.A. proudly stamped on their name plates and I want to show my degree off too. Part of it is because I've doubted so much that I'm capable and deserving to be where I am and get to the end goal. I then came home to an email from another grad student regarding grades and I had a realization; my clients won't know if I had a 4.0 or a 3.5. They won't know I got a B+ in stats but aced my psychopathology final. They won't care if I was the best of the best in my program. What they will care about is if I'm helpful and capable of walking through crap with them.

I had a moment tonight at church where I was able to talk to a student who is in a lot of pain. As I sat there with them I thought, you are a horrible counselor and you don't have the right words. As soon as those thoughts came to mind I also was reminded of what our group had just been talking about, blessings. I might not have had the exact words she needed to hear but I think tonight was a blessing.

I'm continually humbled by God, by the ways in which He works for His glory and allows me to join in on it. I'm blessed by the communities at church and at school.

2011 excitement

Blogger refused to let me post for a while. I don't know what was up with all the error messages but I finally gave up. I'm trying again, mostly in avoidance of reading the most boring books this semester. I think all of my professors got together and liked the idea of reaction papers due every week...seems like that's what my semester will be. I got pretty good at cranking out 5-8 pages of writing a night thanks to my interterm class that nearly killed me. I'm not saying any of the writing was quality, I was just about quantity. Anyway, the biggest bummer about reaction papers is I have to read in order to have something to react to. Booo to hundreds of pages of reading a week.

Well, it's 2011 and I think I want to go to 1 new place a month. This doesn't necessarily have to be far, but looking at new towns. January held a trip to Seattle. Oh man is that a cool place. I just loved walking around and checking things out, drinking coffee and looking at art. I'm not sure where I'll go in February but thanks to the holidays I have the next 2 Mondays off. Maybe I'll finally go out to Brea or something :) Any suggestions on where to travel to this year?