Scripture Week 5

"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." Psalm 27:5

Every week I recognize more deeply the importance of memorizing His words and why I feel so drawn to this Psalm in particular. Today I'm filled with joy because my heart belongs to the Lord and He is so faithful to love His children.

Muchas Gracias

Friends, thank you for the words, prayers, and hugs. This morning I woke up a bit stiff (joint pain is the biggest symptom of a lupus flare in my body) but refreshed. I usually wake up still feeling exhausted and while in my selfishness I pray this is a sign the flare is ending, I am thankful for a morning where I felt good and immediately was able to give thanks to God for it.

I also got some good news. I got an interview at Rosemead (Biola's school of Psychology) for their doctorate program!

Lupus Lyss

In May of 2007, I sat in Cottage Hospital crying my eyes out. I was in pain but more than anything I was scared. Before seeing the rheumatology specialist I had seen my primary care doctor for a pain in my shoulder and my hands. The pain had gotten so bad I could no longer grip a toothbrush and it hurt to sit, lie down, and sometimes even walk. I had already been told, “we think you have lupus” and “there’s no cure.” The doctor also said, “you could die.” I didn’t want to be alone in that moment but I was. I had gone to the doctor not thinking I would get news like this. My mom had a feeling it wasn’t going to be good news and later told me she didn’t want to say anything to scare me, but the sudden color change in my fingertips when I got cold and the wads of hair in the shower caught her attention. I had just completed a full marathon and was closing in on a 40-pound weight loss. How could this happen? Why me and why now? But in the hospital I was also crying my eyes out because I had been handed a booklet and told, “Read this.” I wish I still had it because it was seriously like a REALLY bad tract street evangelists hand out, the kind that literally scare the hell out of you. In it was listed all of the things I may never get to do and even now as I think about that list I can’t help but cry.

I finally saw my doctors yesterday, after a year with no insurance. New symptoms are appearing and I’m feeling exhausted lately. After talking to my rheumatologist about some of these things he decided to test me for Sjögren’s (pronounced showgrins) syndrome, a disease where the immune system attacks the body’s moisture producing glands. People with lupus can also have secondary Sjögren’s and I guess I’ll know in a week if I do too. My ophthalmologist also wants to put plugs in my tear ducts in order to produce more moisture and avoid any long-term damages that could result. It seems kind of weird to have plugs in my eyes and I don’t know if I’ll still be able to cry, but I’ve been told it will make me more comfortable and nobody will be able to tell. I’m still considering it. I honestly left the doctor’s office feeling pretty bummed, mad, and sad.

I don’t want to be “chronically ill” and I don’t want others to think of me as “the sick girl.” I know most people wouldn’t think of me as being weak or sick (jiu jitsu and boxing aren’t hobbies for the weak and sick) but in my head I have a lot of negative things going on. When I first was diagnosed I had a conversation with my friend JC about some of the things I was afraid I would never be able to do, I’m still afraid of that list. I know I’m not the one to say what is fair and what isn’t, but this feels pretty unfair sometimes. Part of it is my craziness, feeling like I have to have it all together, be strong, independent. I need to admit to myself first that I can’t take this on all on my own; I need to surrender to the Lord. I also need some encouragement and I feel funny asking for it, but if you feel led, please leave me a note or email me. I know it would help.

Scripture Week 4

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."

-Psalm 27:4

Confession of the Week

I got an email from the University of Oregon saying they had over 200 applicants and I made the top 50. However, they weren't offering me an interview yet. I'm on a wait list for now and if they happen to do a second wave of interviews, I'll be invited. I thought I would be bummed out about this news but I was actually really encouraged. Top 50...not so bad.

I also heard back from a department I interviewed with for a full time position. I didn't get the job and I was a bit bummed about this but at the same time, really glad I didn't have to make a decision about the next year of my life without knowing my options. Staying in San Diego would have meant putting school on hold, but I'm willing to stay in San Diego. So, I'll keep this temp job and see what happens next. A friend made the comment, "at least you like the temp job," which is true but I found myself really annoyed at the desk this week.

I can't blame the rain for my attitude lately, I loved the weather this week; it was just...people and things and thoughts. I found myself being really bratty and snippy, pushing other people’s buttons just because I could. I made comments and jokes that I should have just kept to myself. I'm pretty sure I hurt some feelings and wasn't helpful at all. I really don’t like myself when I’m like that and I’m sure others don’t either. As I was sharing this realization out loud I struggled to find the root of the behavior. I continued talking about the week and finally admitted I was acting out of jealousy and an attitude of defeat. With the news of work and school I just felt defeated. It played on my "craziness" (something we talk A LOT about in CBB) of never feeling sufficient.

I’ve labeled 2009 the year of transitions but it feels like this unstable place I’ve been in for the last year just won’t settle. While I continue to wait on schools and look for work, I also see that I’ve been jealous of what others appear to have, stability. I’m feeling convicted for looking to people and not my God, my rock and stability. Today I truly had the feeling and thoughts of thankfulness and praise for the way He provides for me and I guess all I can do is repent for the nasty attitude I had throughout the week. It’s humbling but comforting.

"The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!" 2 Samuel 22:47

Mi Familia

The 19th was Robbie's birthday. He's a fantastic brother...for the most part. He can make anyone laugh and even though we fought a lot as kids, I've always been really protective of him. I'm thankful for the relationship I have with him now as adults because I think it's pretty special. Happy birthday Bubbalito!

My papa Bud's birthday would've been on the 18th. He was mean to everyone but me and the whole family knew he would do anything for me. He was an inspiration to go to college and pursue my educational goals. He's also a huge reason I'm applying to doctorate programs. He always believed in me and encouraged me. I was his princess and he always took care of me. During my freshman year of high school I pretty much lived with him and my Granny. He would wake me up every morning for school, have breakfast ready and would get me out the door on time. My papa never boasted about being a fighter pilot in WWII and we always knew about his love for P-38s, but after his passing I learned so much more about him. I wish I would've made him tell me his stories because after reading some stories about him, I learned he was a bad ass ace. I miss my papa.

January 10th would have been my nana's birthday. She was a very strong, feisty woman and my family always tells me I not only look like her when she was young but I act like her. Sometimes I'm proud of that, she was a hardworking woman who sacrificed a lot for her family. She always was willing to help friends and even people she didn't know. I remember a lot of farm workers and field workers coming to our house to have her help with bills, addressing mail, etc. Sometimes I'm not so proud. She could be so mean to the people closest to her and I see those tendencies in myself also. She was the one who nicknamed me fea (spanish for ugly) and often pointed out all of the negative aspects of myself. But she also was my stability in a very unstable home life. I shared a bedroom with her and my dad for a few years and after our house fell in the Northridge earthquake, we rented a house down the street and her and I shared a room again until our house was rebuilt. With the good and the bad, she was my nana for 16 years and I loved her so much.

Extended Weekend

I've lived in San Diego for over 6 years collectively and have never been to Hodad's. Since Robbie and Brianna were here for the weekend I decided to take them some place new. Now I can finally say I've been to Hodad's. If you ever go, make sure you also get a shake. I know, it's like a ridiculous amount of calories but every once in a great while is worth it.

I was also able to celebrate Ethan's first birthday with wonderful friends. He is such a cute boy! I wish I could spend more time with him but I take every second I can get. His arms are blurry because he had a balloon tied to his wrist and was getting a kick out of making it move. It could have also been the cake and his first time having sugar!

Scripture Week 3

"Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident." Psalm 27:3

I & Love & You

We all long to hear these three words. They’re powerful words, special words, words I don’t use with just anyone. I have few people I actually say them to but a lot of people I feel them towards. So why don’t I say these words to them? I don’t know, I guess its fear that these special words will be taken too lightly or I’m unsure the feelings are not reciprocated. Sometimes I get in my head and I wonder if I’m really as close to someone as I think I am or if I’m not really that special. I usually decide I’m not that special which often leads to withdraw.

I think I might have just had an aha! moment.

Anyway, I do this with family, friends, guys I’m interested in dating. I do this with God. The One who tells me over and over again how much He loves me. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am to have a God who pursues me, loves me, and never gives up on me. The story of the cross, that’s a pretty amazing way to say those three words.

Scripture Week 2

Keep with my 2010 commitment to memorize scripture, I'm working on Psalm 27.

"When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall." Psalm 27:2

Debbie Downer

Nobody wants to hang out with a downer. I don't want to be a downer. I feel like a downer lately. I've also been experiencing lupus flares. It's been a while since the last one and I guess I forget the limitations this thing can have on my physical body and the emotional and psychological side effects. I'm sure anyone living with a chronic disease would agree or know what I'm talking about. Depression is probably fairly common in chronic patients and occurs in an estimated 20 - 60% of lupus patients. My mom encouraged me to do more research and reading to better understand my situation. I told her I felt like blaming it on the lupus was a cop out but I found a few interesting articles that help me know I'm not crazy, just stubborn. I hate having limitations on my physical body but it makes me long for the day I no longer have to live in this dirt bag body. I'm trying to keep a good attitude despite feeling the need to sleep 12 hours a day, put drops in my eyes every hour, and not being able to do jiu jitsu lately because of the pain in my hands and shoulders.

To end this post with some positivity: I have a job interview next week, I'm almost done with grad applications, I'm drawing closer to the Lord, my family and friends are amazing, encouraging, caring, and most importantly, praying for me.

Scripture Week 1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life-
of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 27:1

Call me a liar...

The first 5 days of 2010 have been pretty crappy. But because things haven't been so great, it's really made me look at my attitude, my habits, and think about trying different ways of being this year. I know I posted about not making resolutions and I don't want to make resolutions...but I guess these are resolutions.

1. Memorize scripture. I'm aiming for one a week. This started this week because since Friday I have been gripped by fear. I'll be driving, think of something terrifying or horrible and just start crying. Back in 2006 I experienced some pretty crazy spiritual warfare that I probably wouldn't believe without living through it. It hasn't been the same thing, but I have this gut wrenching fear about this year. So I've started with Psalm 27:1 and might just keep going with this psalm.

2. Read. With the new JWI network I've decided to join in on their book discussions. It also helped that I own the book they're reading this month and have never read it. January is Foster's Celebration of Discipline and next month is Mark Cahill's The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven. I'm not sure what I'll read after this but I have a list going. If you have recommendations feel free to leave them in a comment.

3. Communicate clearer. I tend to keep a lot to myself. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I don't just want to do this for myself but to encourage, pray, and build others up as well.

4. Be more balanced. I bet most of you know my schedule: work, work out, home. I do love my new sports but I've decided to give up Thursdays at the gym (which is tough because I already give up Wednesdays) in order to join a small group. I've already picked one too. But now the difficult part is deciding if I'm staying at this church. I just know that in the last year my spiritual self could've used more exercising.

I'm keeping these from 2009

I've been trying to think about what I really loved about 2009. It was an okay year but nothing stood out except the births of lots of babies. It was by far better than 2005 but 2009 was just eh. Here are some things I thought were worth noting.

Favorites of 2009:

Book: Forgotten God by Francis Chan
Record: Blue Print 3 by Jay Z
Dish I Made: Slow Cooked Pork Spare Ribs
New TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia & Modern Family (I couldn't decide)
Sport: Jiu Jitsu
Place to Hang in San Diego: Balboa Park
Place to Study/Write: Panera
Job: Career Center Temp Gig
Movie: Up
Athlete: Derek Jeter
Day: May 26 A.K.A Graduation Day
Concert: Hanson (Adele was close but she messed up the words to my favorite song so I had to bump her down)
New Artist: The Damnwells
Actor: Zach Galifianakis
Website: Hulu
Restaurant: Phil's BBQ
Friend: Just kidding!

2010 Resolutions

The new year is the time for people to make resolutions, forget to follow them, then talk about how nobody ever keeps resolutions. I guess I fall into that category of people but I mostly try to avoid making resolutions because I know how I am and how judgmental I can be toward myself. I've been thinking about my post yesterday and how it was full of, I did this and this and then went here and there, but what I really wish I could've conveyed were the emotions I felt sitting with each person and the thoughts and feelings they triggered when they said or did certain things. Maybe that's what my personal journal is for? I know I can't put all that stuff on the internet for anyone to search. But in 2010 I hope to convey more feeling. Not only on the blog but with the people I'm around and most importantly, between me and my God.