I've been out of work for going on two weeks now. It's been a roller coaster for me. On one hand it's great to take a break, have time to myself and rest. I've been in and out of lupus flares for the last 6 months and in great physical pain for the last 2. Tomorrow I get to see my specialist and I'm gonna demand he shoot me up with some good stuff to bring this inflammation down. I just know 13 hours on a plane isn't going to be comfortable in my present condition. On the other hand I feel a bit useless and worthless being out of work. I had an unexpected dinner with a group of my cohort members from CBB tonight and it brought up a lot of stuff for me. As we sat around and had REALLY good food, we also chit chatted about what's been going on. It suddenly turned into us sitting in a circle, checking in with one another and really spilling the beans on life. I miss that. I miss having people check in, listen and really care about where I'm at. I miss doing that for other people.
While we were sitting there it was a bittersweet moment. It struck us that we've been out of CBB for a year now. It was also a time to remember Denny Ollerman, a long time educator in the CBB program. He passed away this morning and the impact he had on all of us, even without knowing him very well, was tremendous. He will be missed greatly and my heart goes out to his family, whom I care for deeply.
Being in the circle again made me think about what I was like in CBB, some of the work I did with my therapist and steps I've taken this year. In all honesty, it took me a while to even acknowledge I had done any good in the last year. The critical voice in my head I've been learning to control has been running rampant lately with lies. I was focused on what I didn't have to show instead of on ways I developed in the last year. It's hard. To feel like I've made progress when it seems like I don't have tangible things to show for it. But it felt good to acknowledge to these friends that I've done some growing, work, and pushing forward. I was feeling insecure about not having a steady job to show I'm doing something with my Master's degree that I didn't give credit to the fact that I've been accepted into a doctorate program for the fall. In talking about relationships I felt like I had failed because the man I was interested in didn't feel the same way about me. But I didn't give myself credit for actually being vulnerable, honest, and open to the possibility with another person. I didn't write off being close to someone like I normally would and I sought the Lord in the excitement, disappointment, and unknown. I felt weak admitting I was in physical pain but when I think about what I live through every day, I don't know if anyone else could endure this and that makes me feel strong. So it's been up and down and I continue to struggle against myself, my thoughts, and my comfort zone. I try to push through with the hope that my new experiences will teach me something, be it good or bad. I hold on to the hope that the Lord Jesus Christ gives and the promises from a Father who loves me more than I can even imagine. While I sat with my friends, laughed and cried, I couldn't help but think about the joy that comes in the morning.
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