It's not good when the doctor calls

**WARNING: some of this material is regarding feminine issues. Not explicit but you get the point.**

I was almost off of work but I couldn't take the phone call from an 858 number I didn't know. Once off work I listened to the message and heard my doctor's nurse telling me to call her about my test results from Monday. I knew it couldn't be good if they were calling, especially so soon. Last Friday I saw my doctor because I've been having a period about every two weeks. For some of you less educated on women, that isn't normal. My doctor asked some questions, checked on some stuff and ordered me to the hospital on Monday. He also took me off of one of my medications for lupus because a side effect is bleeding and wanted to see how that I responded to that.

Monday I anxiously got into my fly looking hospital gown and matching robe, hopped on an ultrasound table and had an internal and external test done. It was uncomfortable, sometimes painful and scary because the technician kept making faces, marking things on the screen, going back and forth, back and forth. It took longer than they said it would and when he said he wanted to take additional pictures I knew something was up but quickly excused it for something else. On a side note: it's totally unfair that they make you drink so much water before this exam, don't allow you to pee, and then proceed to press into your bladder.

Wednesday the call came. The nurse said there were abnormalities on both ovaries and in the uterus and it could be a number of things. She mentioned a few, cysts, fibroids, something starting with an E, and then said, "or something else." My mind immediately filled that with CANCER and fast forwarded not to my funeral but to me never being able to conceive. Even when I was diagnosed with lupus I wasn't scared about the dying part, it was the bullet point that said I might never be able to carry a child to full term that made me sob in the hospital lobby. Even though I'm not a girly girl or even have a completely traditional view of what my life should or would look like as a woman, I still long to be a mom. I know, I'm jumping to conclusions and even if having my own children is never a possibility there are options. But it's what's scaring me the most right now.

Yesterday morning I meditated on 2 Corinthians 5. Not because of this but because of another heartbreak I was feeling but this was so applicable to the afternoon too. It's a reminder that I long for heaven and eternity with my Father because He has paid an incredible price for me, his beloved.

Next comes more pokes, prods, and tests. I have to wait for my insurance to allow me to have an MRI to have a better idea of what is going on inside me. I guess this is never news you want to hear but it makes it much harder being a month away from my doctorate program beginning, moving out of San Diego and to La Mirada, and losing my insurance in August because my benefits came through work. I could use some prayer.