For the Faithful

My dear friend Veronica called me out the other day on my lack of posting. I didn't even realize it had been months! So, for the faithful to my blog...or just Veronica, here you go :)

Sometimes I feel like I am the most wretched person to ever walk this earth.  Therapy helps bring these feelings out.  Therapy also helps normalize a lot of these feelings.  I know I've always been tough on myself.  I push myself to excel, go past the limitations I have, and with this also brings a whole lot of self-criticism.  It genuinely is difficult for me to hear positive things about myself.  Sometimes I try the positive self-talk, but it never really ever goes deep.  Sometimes I try to take in the things my friends say to me, but I secretly doubt they actually believe those things about me.  All this makes tomorrow a very difficult day for me.  Yes, it's Valentine's Day...but that's not what is hard about the 14th.  Tomorrow at 7:45 am, I'll meet with 3 faculty members who will give me feedback on my time so far in this doctorate program.  While I don't expect everything to be positive, I do know it'll be hard for me to hear the positive.  They will also then make me wait a few weeks to tell me if I can continue on in the program.  I don't think they're gonna tell me to take a hike, but I'm sure I'll have a better sense of security after tomorrow.  My practicum rankings for next year are also due and this is a highly competitive year in terms of clinical work.  I just pray I place and somewhere where I'll be excited to work and learn and do therapy.  So, I'd appreciate your prayers!

Another week of thanks

10 - Completed an exam pretty successfully
11 - a 24 hour Walmart
12 - Sleeping in & UFC fight nights
13 - the Salvation Army bus ministry at 1BL
14 - having the courage to speak up about certain issues in class
15 - Maya & her birthday!
16 - Trent & his birthday!
17 - Rosie Thomas is going to release a new album. I'm also thankful I finally got to do grocery shopping & I have food to eat now!

This Week's Thanksgivings

I'm really bad at getting on here daily. I have many things to be thankful for today.

6 - Sunday afternoon football
7 - a valid MMPI result :)
8 - Friends to laugh with on a very crappy day
9 - Answered prayers!!!

Day 4

I knew I'd be bad at posting what I'm thankful for every day this month...I'll go ahead and post the 4th & 5th:

I'm thankful for good & honest conversations. I'm also thankful for sleeping in tomorrow.

I'm obviously a 2nd year

I haven't posted since the first day of school...yeah, it's been that busy. Some days are a bit overwhelming, some days I wonder what I would do if I wasn't so busy. School is hard and I'm learning a lot, but it's hard. Did I mention it's hard? 2nd year is over 1/4 of the way done! I'm in the process of trying to pick classes for next semester and I've made 2 different master plans. In my first plan I take 16-18 units each semester and apply to internship a year early. In the second plan I take 9-16 units a semester and apply to internship on time. The possibility of getting out of school a year early is enticing. I just don't know how prepared I feel to be applying for internship and venturing out in the clinical workplace on my own. I think since I first started school I thought I would put my nose to the grind and finish early. Now that the time has come to really make those decisions, I'm scared. It's sorta difficult to allow myself to take my time. I've always felt like I have to know what I want to do, have a plan, and not waiver. Staying another year feels like wavering...

I've definitely been isolated, spending time in my room, the library, the student lounge, working away. I haven't been involved at church much this semester, which has been difficult to be away from. It's also sort of outta sight, outta mind. Nobody really reaches out to me to see how things are going. Makes me think everyone is tired of hearing about school. Maybe they are, I don't know. At least my therapist listens to me :)

My health has been up and down this semester. I'm still way better than I was this summer, but I'm definitely not at my normal functioning level. I have to go to the doctor again this month. I hate this part of my life.

Well, we'll see when I get to another post. Maybe Thanksgiving :) Actually, I'd like to do this month of thanks I see so many friends doing. I'll start a day late but I'll start with this:

I'm thankful for a perfect God who loves my imperfections.

I'm a 2nd year!

School started today but all of my classes were postponed, so what did I do? I watched soaps and trashy TV, went to walmart, and then had to go to the counseling center. I know, productive. I have class tomorrow morning and then the madness of 18 units, TAing, client hours, supervision, consultation, my own therapy, and church stuff are ready to take my life. I've been trying to decide if I should continue to be a part of the college ministry at my church. It was a good thing for me this last year, but I know I won't have the time to really invest this semester. I've been praying about it, but I don't have a clear answer yet. I'd appreciate prayers, advice, and wisdom!

My Soul Must Sing!

Well, I thought with time during the summer I would post more often. Obviously that didn't happen. I thought I would do a lot of things this summer, but my plans were thwarted by a series of health issues. Most of the summer I've dealt with an inflamed sciatic nerve. It's the most painful thing I've ever felt, and it seems to be a yearly occurrence. I've spent a lot of time trying to get comfortable standing, sitting, laying...not much was bearable. It's been a bummer having to spend so much of the summer being inactive and on ice packs. I recently went to a new rheumatologist, since I haven't seen a doctor in nearly a year. He sent me to have specific blood tests done for scleroderma. Basically, it's another autoimmune disease, but this one sounded much scarier because symptoms are much more severe than what I'm currently dealing with with the lupus diagnosis. I went to the lab, had blood drawn, peed in a cup, and left for a week at Hume Lake, leaving me to think about this for the next week.

Hume had some highs and lows. It was great to be back at a place I called home for a while. I hadn't been to the camp since I moved to San Diego and then La Mirada, about 4 years. It was also great being there with new and old friends. It was hard being in a cabin of high school girls that didn't know me, or one another very well. My one on one conversations were pretty awesome and I felt encouraged by them, but when we would have cabin time, they would shut up like clams and not share at all. It was also difficult feeling so vulnerable with God and questioning so much. I felt like I needed to get my junk in order to be with these girls, at the same time, I was a mess inside. Thankfully I had friends who lifted me up in prayer, which is the only way I made it through the week.

I was able to spend time in scripture and writing in my journal while at Hume. I had forgotten how great and valuable that time is for me and my relationship with God. As I read through various passages I was comforted in knowing that the things I am facing, physically, mentally, and spiritually, are nothing compared to the suffering Christ endured through the cross. Yet, like Paul, I should long to share in that suffering. That really put things into perspective and has been a source of strength in the last few days of waiting for test results.

I went to the doctor this afternoon and my test results were about as good as I could hope for. I tested negative for scleroderma, but that doesn't mean I'm in the clear. The doctor said this is something that can just explode one day. He's heard of cases where there were no symptoms or positive test results and then one day a patient will wake up unable to move. My lupus antibodies were still positive, but for now my blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood count levels were excellent. It's a little reassuring to me and my doctor that as of now, there is no affect on my internal organs. So, I'll continue to sit an lay on ice and hope the pain goes away before school starts next week.

Summer Plans

I decided in May to start my 3rd year practicum this summer (I'm a year ahead in practicums) for a lot of reasons. Practicums run a year long, so starting in June means I'll be done in June of 2012. It also means I don't really get a summer break, but it seemed like a good choice since next summer I'll be taking comprehensive exams and will be able to focus on that. This all seems to be going so quickly. I guess it's a good thing, but I feel like I have so much to learn still. For example, today I learned I'll be seeing couples now! This sort of freaks me out and makes me scared. What do I know about couples!? At least my supervisor has confidence in me :)

Since I'm at practicum I can't travel too far away from home but I'm hoping to get to San Diego and will be back in Fillmore next weekend. I really want to go to the bay, we'll see if that happens.

Let Freedom Ring!

It's almost June. I realize I haven't posted since February and nobody probably looks at this anymore. That's okay. I just need to declare I am done with my first year as a doctoral student and tomorrow begins my third year practicum and Friday brings a summer class on Relational Psychoanalysis...but summer will be much lighter! Yes, I'm skipping second year practicum because I'm just that awesome. Not really, I was just able to transfer in units :) Now I'm looking for a flexible summer time gig that will earn me gas money so I can visit some of you this summer. It isn't looking so great, I can't even get babysitting jobs with a BA & MA. Hopefully something works out very soon! I hope to update a little more this summer, maybe take time and space to reflect on what the last 9 months of school has been like. Stay tuned...

Loneliness & Boredom

I went away to Big Bear last weekend with our college group from church. It was a rough trip for me because of how I was feeling, the amount of school work that needed to get done, and my lack of motivation. Saturday morning I broke down in tears. I knew it would happen, I just didn't want anyone to see it. It was humbling to not have a place to go and hide and cry my eyes out, but God taught me a good lesson in that moment. He reminded me that I needed to be vulnerable and that I needed to allow others to care for me. I was able to share just a bit of what has been going on with me with some of the girls in my group and I realized that as their leader, I felt like a failure. I mean, I was supposed to be the one with my act together. I was supposed to counsel them and let them cry. But here I was, needing people to process with. While I didn't get into my whole story, I see how it brought me closer to the body of Christ and that deserves a whole mess of praise.

It's still hard, I'm still not feeling well. That on top of a boring load of reading I have to do has made me more than irritable, I've been angry a lot. I told my mom I was looking for a therapist and she didn't understand. Lately it feels like nobody does and that's exactly why I need a therapist :) I'm only slightly joking here. But I wait and hope and try to look forward to what's to come. One thing I am excited about: MOVING!!!

Where's my healing?

Mark 10:46-52

Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

The sermon this Sunday was on this passage. They were talking about it with a missions perspective and I found it challenging to think about the ways I follow (or don't) after Jesus and the expectations I have for our relationship. I know there is one great fear I have in following Him and I really have been praying through this in the past 2 days.

I'm also wrestling with this passage from a different perspective. Most of you know, I have been living with lupus for the last 3 years (it seems like so much longer) and have had my ups and downs with the disease. Right now I'm on a downward slope, feeling achy in my hands, feet, and back. Being so tired I could literally fall asleep one minute and then finally getting in bed only to toss and turn for hours. It's a pain in the ass right now. So while reading this I think about Bartimaeus shouting out to Jesus and being given what he asked for, sight. I've prayed for Jesus to heal me. To take away the uncertainty of this disease, to give me a body that is able to train for marathons, compete in jiu jitsu tournaments, and not require 10 hours of sleep at a time. I've prayed for the emotional mess that comes with a chronic illness to be taken from me. But it's still here and I wonder, am I calling loud enough? Am I lacking in faith? Belief? I know I'm not perfect but I know God can heal me, so why doesn't he? While I feel like I'm in the deep dark of something, I also am reminded that God works for His glory. So, while I don't understand this right now, there has to be His glory in it somewhere. It's just tough accept tonight.

Humbled

Today I was at the counseling center and noticed they failed to put the M.A. after my name on my name plate. It really bothered me and I had to stop for a minute and evaluate why. I think part of it is because others have their M.A. proudly stamped on their name plates and I want to show my degree off too. Part of it is because I've doubted so much that I'm capable and deserving to be where I am and get to the end goal. I then came home to an email from another grad student regarding grades and I had a realization; my clients won't know if I had a 4.0 or a 3.5. They won't know I got a B+ in stats but aced my psychopathology final. They won't care if I was the best of the best in my program. What they will care about is if I'm helpful and capable of walking through crap with them.

I had a moment tonight at church where I was able to talk to a student who is in a lot of pain. As I sat there with them I thought, you are a horrible counselor and you don't have the right words. As soon as those thoughts came to mind I also was reminded of what our group had just been talking about, blessings. I might not have had the exact words she needed to hear but I think tonight was a blessing.

I'm continually humbled by God, by the ways in which He works for His glory and allows me to join in on it. I'm blessed by the communities at church and at school.

2011 excitement

Blogger refused to let me post for a while. I don't know what was up with all the error messages but I finally gave up. I'm trying again, mostly in avoidance of reading the most boring books this semester. I think all of my professors got together and liked the idea of reaction papers due every week...seems like that's what my semester will be. I got pretty good at cranking out 5-8 pages of writing a night thanks to my interterm class that nearly killed me. I'm not saying any of the writing was quality, I was just about quantity. Anyway, the biggest bummer about reaction papers is I have to read in order to have something to react to. Booo to hundreds of pages of reading a week.

Well, it's 2011 and I think I want to go to 1 new place a month. This doesn't necessarily have to be far, but looking at new towns. January held a trip to Seattle. Oh man is that a cool place. I just loved walking around and checking things out, drinking coffee and looking at art. I'm not sure where I'll go in February but thanks to the holidays I have the next 2 Mondays off. Maybe I'll finally go out to Brea or something :) Any suggestions on where to travel to this year?

MIA

I'm sure you've been dying for a post lately. I've tried to post but blogger wouldn't let me, kept giving me errors and I didn't have the patience to try and work it out. School has consumed most of my time, I'm sure that's what you expected to see me write. I'm almost done though and I'm looking forward to visiting Fillmore, San Diego, Seattle...and where ever else I decide to get in my car and drive to. Probably Reedley, maybe Morgan Hill?

I'm ready for a break but school has been great. I decided to apply for a Navy scholarship. Not sure how that'll work out. Part of me gets excited thinking about it, part of me hopes I get rejected and don't have to make that decision about joining the military.

Church has been awesome. School and church combined have been helping me grow in tremendous ways. I'm grateful for the insights I've been given and the challenging encouragement I've received. It's been fun to make new friends and feel more comfortable at school.

Tonight our cohort is having our own Christmas party. I'm excited to debut my ugly Christmas sweater and hopefully score a treasure in our white elephant gift exchange. 2 finals left & I'm free for a few weeks!!!

It's just right

Rosemead '15

I should be writing about Mahler's Stages of Development. I'm obviously procrastinating. Doing the reading to write this paper though has freaked me out about ever even thinking about becoming a parent and has helped explain some of my neurosis. I guess we're all bound to be a little bit crazy.

This week has been redeeming for me and my confidence. I needed some encouragement with school and it came on Monday and Tuesday after doing pretty well on exams. I'm not thinking I'll fail out of my first semester after all :) I did have a professor call me out on how hard I am on myself. He doesn't even know me well and yet could pin in down in 5 minutes of talking to him. Yeah, I don't hide that well. My mom says I don't hide any of my emotions well. I'd like to disagree but maybe she's right.

I went to a taping of The Price is Right with some of my cohort members on Wednesday. I'm not at liberty to say what happened, but the show airs on December 9th. I had fun with them and am really thankful for such fun-loving classmates. I feel my guard coming down around them more and more everyday. I'm glad too, I want a genuine friendship with them. On our way to the CBS studios we saw some of the cast of Modern Family walking into a restaurant to tape. It was so fun just to catch a glimpse of Jay, Manny, and Cam.

I've been helping out with the college group, 1825, at my new church in Long Beach. It's been so fun getting to know students and staff better. This last week was super special. I just feel grateful to be serving alongside awesome people and for the opportunity to see how God is moving in the lives of students and even in myself. It's a nice change from the last 2 years of wandering and feeling disconnected. Lately just thinking about this makes me cry. God is good.

School on the Brain

This week I have a stats exam, a paper due, sessions to watch and comment on, a client to see and prep for next week. When I'll have an IQ test to administer, a client to see, another tape to watch, another exam, paper, and on and on. I'm stressed, mostly because I doubt myself. I don't think I'm very smart and I'm often scared I can't pull this doctorate thing off. But the stress isn't good. My hair falls out, my body aches, my eyes dry up, I require more sleep and the lupus is in full effect. My mom talks to me like she wants me to quit. Last week I wanted to. Last week I really wanted to. It only took 6 weeks for me to feel this way and I still have 4 3/4 years to go. I was talking to a 5th year this weekend who gave me some encouraging words. I think part of it is I feel disconnected from my cohort. It's hard jumping in and seeing clients during the first semester. Sometimes I wish I would've just stuck with the cohort but sometimes I think maybe I can do this in 4 years. School is the only thing on the brain.

Successful Surgery

My mom and I had a great week together. Well, at least I enjoyed her waiting on my every need. She would help me get in and out of bed, get me food, water, drugs. My mom is the best. Our stay in San Diego wasn't that great. The first hotel room we were assigned to was dirty and I quickly got on the phone and let them know this wasn't cool. We got another room and a discount and I guess that was good enough to keep us.

Monday morning I wasn't nervous at all, I truly could feel the prayers of protection around me. The last thing I remember before surgery was going into the operating room, looking at the lights, moving to the table and then it was lights out. After waking in the recovery room I could move my mouth enough to say water, and after falling back asleep I once again woke up for juice boxes and graham crackers. Yes, I did feel like a kid but I also felt a lot of pain. My mom took me back to the hotel, I made a few drugged up phone calls and went to sleep.

I didn't realize what kind of pain I had been living with. My back always hurt, especially on my left side. On Tuesday I woke up with no back pain. The doctor told my mom they had removed golf ball sized cysts from both ovaries. No doubt the cysts was making my back hurt. I'm still sore, unable to wear anything but sweatpants, and walk like an old lady, but I know this will be so much better soon.

Thanks for the prayers, calls, text messages, and especially to my mom for taking such great care of me!

Like an overdue book

Where I spend most of my days. Or just across the walk way in the library.

I knew once school started the posting would become more difficult. The last 2 weeks of school have felt like months, both in good and bad ways. I've found myself wondering if I can keep this commitment to be married to school for the next 5 years. It's hard to not think about the things I could be doing with my time and resources. It's also very exciting being in school again. I know I haven't been out for very long but this process just seems so much bigger. No doubt because of what I have to go through to get to the end. This cohort experience has been MUCH different than CBB. It's so academically focused in this first year that we are still relating to one another on a very surface level. I don't do surface too well. I'm reminded of that while meeting all the new people at school and at church. But I recognize it's a safe place for a lot of folks and you have to go through this layer to build those relationships you can take deeper.

I'm LOVING classes (except stats. blah.) and my classmates have been fun to be around. I had this idea I would come in and be labeled the heathen, judged for some of my views and choices I've made in life, and have to keep a big part of who I am to myself. I came in guarded. I've never liked being wrong, but in this case, I'm so glad I'm wrong. I've already had to wrestle with some big questions about me, my faith, my future profession. I've had to accept that I have to take the next week off for surgery and I might fall behind. My professors and TAs have been awesome though, meeting with me outside of class to prep me on what I'll be missing, giving me extensions, and postponing exams for me.

I've spent a lot of time in the library but I've also spent a lot of time with people. In San Diego I hung with a few friends pretty consistently but one thing I was missing there were people who shared my faith, or at least wanted to be real about their faith journey. I've been able to jump in with a new college ministry and volunteer. I've joined friends in a weekly discussion group about life, faith, and random silliness. It's been good for me and my soul, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I haven't figured it out yet.

I'm leaving tomorrow for San Diego. I'm having surgery at Green Hospital in La Jolla on Monday morning at 7:30 am. If you think about it, please pray for me. I'm not nervous yet. I'm mostly nervous about the recovery. Last time I went under anesthesia I came out of it depressed for a few weeks. Hopefully I won't have to spend the night in the hospital but like my doctor said, there are risks in surgery. He gave a great pep talk about how he does his best work in the morning. Maybe I should bring him some Starbucks.

Big Oops

I keep trying to upload pictures but it obviously isn't working. I'm not sure if I just haven't had a good internet connection or if my computer is jacked. With my luck, the computer is jacked.

Yesterday I found a packet of reading in my grad mail box that said, "Alyssa, you missed class today at 1. Please meet me in my office next week." I think my heart stopped beating and my stomach did back flips. I quickly pulled out my schedule and even though I knew I didn't have class, I had to double check. Sure enough, my schedule was totally clear. I ran into the assistant dean who asked how things were going and I showed her the papers. She looked at me and apologized. She forgot to tell me I had to enroll in that class. The program is challenging in the coursework but I think it's even more challenging in the way it's operated. So now I'm stuck taking 18 grad units in my first semester. I'm hoping this helps me graduate early because it's a lot of work up front.

I've been getting involved with a church in Long Beach. New things are always awkward for me but I'm so genuinely happy right now. As I was falling sleep last night I just couldn't help but feel and know I was in the Lord's hands and that I was exactly where I should be. It's comforting to know that despite the trials, stretches, and pain, I'm safe and loved and known.

Pray for the Saizas

If you follow me on twitter you probably know how I really feel about the family I'm living with. They're really nice and have a great house, but they're two things I hate in a living situation, messy and loud. This past Friday there was a major accident here and they could really use prayer. The 16 year old, Daniel, passed out in the pool and was found at the bottom. He was unconscious and pulled out by a friend. He's now awake and in ICU and has no brain damage, but he has some major lung problems and that'll most likely be permanent. He's a very active kid and had hopes of going into the military. He isn't a believer, nobody in the family is. Pray the Lord will use this to bring Daniel and the family to Him. Pray Daniel will recover and they will find hope in this traumatic experience.