Where's my healing?

Mark 10:46-52

Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

The sermon this Sunday was on this passage. They were talking about it with a missions perspective and I found it challenging to think about the ways I follow (or don't) after Jesus and the expectations I have for our relationship. I know there is one great fear I have in following Him and I really have been praying through this in the past 2 days.

I'm also wrestling with this passage from a different perspective. Most of you know, I have been living with lupus for the last 3 years (it seems like so much longer) and have had my ups and downs with the disease. Right now I'm on a downward slope, feeling achy in my hands, feet, and back. Being so tired I could literally fall asleep one minute and then finally getting in bed only to toss and turn for hours. It's a pain in the ass right now. So while reading this I think about Bartimaeus shouting out to Jesus and being given what he asked for, sight. I've prayed for Jesus to heal me. To take away the uncertainty of this disease, to give me a body that is able to train for marathons, compete in jiu jitsu tournaments, and not require 10 hours of sleep at a time. I've prayed for the emotional mess that comes with a chronic illness to be taken from me. But it's still here and I wonder, am I calling loud enough? Am I lacking in faith? Belief? I know I'm not perfect but I know God can heal me, so why doesn't he? While I feel like I'm in the deep dark of something, I also am reminded that God works for His glory. So, while I don't understand this right now, there has to be His glory in it somewhere. It's just tough accept tonight.