Confession of the Week

I got an email from the University of Oregon saying they had over 200 applicants and I made the top 50. However, they weren't offering me an interview yet. I'm on a wait list for now and if they happen to do a second wave of interviews, I'll be invited. I thought I would be bummed out about this news but I was actually really encouraged. Top 50...not so bad.

I also heard back from a department I interviewed with for a full time position. I didn't get the job and I was a bit bummed about this but at the same time, really glad I didn't have to make a decision about the next year of my life without knowing my options. Staying in San Diego would have meant putting school on hold, but I'm willing to stay in San Diego. So, I'll keep this temp job and see what happens next. A friend made the comment, "at least you like the temp job," which is true but I found myself really annoyed at the desk this week.

I can't blame the rain for my attitude lately, I loved the weather this week; it was just...people and things and thoughts. I found myself being really bratty and snippy, pushing other people’s buttons just because I could. I made comments and jokes that I should have just kept to myself. I'm pretty sure I hurt some feelings and wasn't helpful at all. I really don’t like myself when I’m like that and I’m sure others don’t either. As I was sharing this realization out loud I struggled to find the root of the behavior. I continued talking about the week and finally admitted I was acting out of jealousy and an attitude of defeat. With the news of work and school I just felt defeated. It played on my "craziness" (something we talk A LOT about in CBB) of never feeling sufficient.

I’ve labeled 2009 the year of transitions but it feels like this unstable place I’ve been in for the last year just won’t settle. While I continue to wait on schools and look for work, I also see that I’ve been jealous of what others appear to have, stability. I’m feeling convicted for looking to people and not my God, my rock and stability. Today I truly had the feeling and thoughts of thankfulness and praise for the way He provides for me and I guess all I can do is repent for the nasty attitude I had throughout the week. It’s humbling but comforting.

"The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!" 2 Samuel 22:47