Catching up a bit

Since the beginning of school, I've felt like I've been sprinting as fast as I can but I still can't keep up. I know I'm not the only one in my cohort who had a late start on the reading and required therapy sessions, but I really feel disadvantaged being a late add to the program. I've been struggling to get caught up in the reading and more keeps getting dumped on my plate. Papers are coming now and they are 5-6 pages of intense, emotional and personal stories. Psychoanalyzing myself is exhausting. The paper I just finished required me to write about the emotional environment I grew up in and to talk about to what extent I feel fulfilled physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. Are there any more "allys" they could ask about? I had to discuss dreams, desires, fantasies, relationships with friends, parents, siblings, significant others. It was too much for 6 pages and too much to write in Starbucks. I found myself overcome with emotion when writing. I would tear up because I remember the hurt from my childhood, I cried because of the way my relationships have changed with people. I cried because I remembered or realized the love I have for certain people in my life. Needless to say, it's an emotionally charged paper.

I went out with some new friends from my cohort on Friday. When I saw my therapist on Thursday I told him I didn't want to go. He asked why and I said I just needed introvert time. But I added that they have told me I'm too quiet and they think I'm trying to keep them away. I don't want to be perceived as a snob, but I do protect myself a lot. But Maria asked me if I was going to go and it was her birthday so I said yes. Sometimes with social events I'll give in and say yes and then bail out last minute. I thought about it Friday night at 8:30, when I should have been leaving the house. But I went and I had a blast and I think my cohort members were a bit surprised (we went to a club...yeah I danced until 2 am) to see me in a different environment. I'm glad I went though, I feel like they're becoming more than just classmates, they're becoming friends. And friends have been really hard to make here on my second go around in San Diego.

I'm looking for an apartment now because little Drake is coming in a few months. I really wanted to give David and Mars time together and to get the room ready, but it's been difficult finding time to view places and if I wait another month I'll be able to afford to live alone for the next year. I desperately want to live alone next year; I need a place to retreat to. Craig's list has become my addiction and best friend in apartment hunting. It seems a little shady though so a couple of classmates said to tell them where I was looking and they would tell me if it was even worth driving to that area. I really like living in PQ but it's pretty far from school. I guess I'll move south, even though it isn't as nice. Hillcrest was fun on Friday though and there are some cute places around there. Mars added they have some awesome restaurants too. It's also where most of the gay/queer population in San Diego live. No wonder why it’s so fun. I don't know...I'm wrestling through a lot right now. I'm just waiting to see where I land.

This morning my pastor was talking about trusting God to provide in ways you don't always expect. He said sometimes you get pushed to the edge and when you trust it pleases God. He added that God also doesn't always provide filet mignon, sometimes it bologna. Mmmm, I'm hungry now.